Alex Mac

Dear Monster Drink:

You and I have a beef to settle, friend. Now, before I begin I want to let you know that I still think you are a good person. Everything seems more exciting when you’re around and I really appreciate it. But our relationship as of late has been a little rocky and I feel that we need to act like adults and talk about it. No hard feelings. I just can’t lie to myself any longer. It is tearing my heart in two. And I need that. Otherwise, I’m no better than Pinocchio:...

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Wow. So I guess you really do exist, eh? This certainly wasn't what I was expecting. You smell good, not at all like those Circus Peanuts my mother would buy for me a a kid. You know the answer to everything, so I have to ask: were they really pea-- oh, they weren't? That's good to know. How tall are you? I once met that guy who played Jaws in the James Bond movies when I went...

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I have been given a tiny wooden katana. From Japan. What now? How can you threaten me when I can cut through your dreams? This is Hattori Hanzo wood, my friend. Bullets, Baseballs, Bears, Babies, Barracudas, Barack Obama, Bodies of celestial light, Back Alley Abortionist, Bagels, Bridges to Terabithia, Butter, Blow jobs. This katana can cut through anything so long as it...