Writing News Jokes

[Harry B]

Researchers say that Silent Heart Attacks -- a condition where there are no symptoms -- may be more common than previously thought. Said one researcher, "the risk is not to be taken lightly. They are silent, but deadly."




Silent but deadly wasn't just something Canadian kids said about farts, was it?

[DiscoInferiorityComplex]

Philip Markoff is accused of killing a woman he met online through a Craigslist ad. Police believe he has victimized through Craigslist before. Several prostitutes have come forward claiming he choked and robbed them. A masseuse claims he punched her. Neil Hendrickson of Somerville, MA claims that Markoff described the chest freezer he was selling as "like new", but when he picked it up, the door was warped and wouldn't close all the way.

[Harry B]

Oprah announced on her show that she will be joining Twitter and is currently on pace to to be followed by a record number of users. Meanwhile, Maury Povich accepted Tom as his Myspace friend.

[Harry B]

British experts say children suffering from vomiting and diarrhoea are being made more sick by parents giving them flat soft drinks and lemon sodas.

However, the report does go on to explain that clotted cream and Berkshire Boiled Sweets do in fact cure Chimney Lung.

[scamboogah]

Excellent work, Harry.

[Harry B]

Excellent work, Harry.

Thanks, you too. The Slim Fast one was great.

[KevinLee]

I love you guys! These are great!

[Harry B]

Animal activists are in an uproar after a cat who ran on to Wrigley Field during a game last night was eventually caught and hoisted by its tail into the stands.

The cat was taken to a shelter where it was later adopted by Ron Santo who immediately had it euthanized.


That one is for maybe two people?

[Harry B]

More than 60 Italian restaurants in Chicago are joining in a protest against a punitive tariff that's about to double the price of Italian mineral waters.

The petition was sent to U.S. Trade Representative Ronald Kirk on Monday. Kirk, nor his family could be reached for comment.


Stereotypes!

[Big Box Of Money]

British physicist Stephen Hawking is said to be “on the road to recovery” in a U.K. hospital where he is being treated for a chest infection.

We all wish Professor Hawking a speedy recovery and hope that he is back to his old motionless, wheelchair-bound, freaky computer-synthesized voiced self in no time.

[Umlaut]

Everyone is doing a great job here.

This is an excerpt from my horrible blog that you should never look at, in re: Perez Hilton v. Miss California:

It’s 1969 and it’s the Miss America pageant. All the finalists are up for their final question. Sammy Davis Jr. asks Miss Mississippi how she feels about interracial marriage. She replies, “No offense to the charming black Jew with the white wife, but I personally feel like we shouldn’t mix the races, y’all. It’s just how I was raised in my hometown of Lynchem, MS.”

[scamboogah]

Rachel Maddow's ratings have been steadily declining since her strong debut, marking the first time she's been upset to see anything go down.

Cash or Credit?!!

[Harry B]

Nearly 2 percent of the U.S. population have some kind of paralysis, according to a survey published on Tuesday.

Spinal cord injuries and strokes accounted for more than half those affected, the telephone survey found.

It is unclear as to what affliction comprises the balance of those affected since they were sitting more than 4 feet away from their phone during the survey.

[RubelT]

Fidel Castro says President Barack Obama misinterpreted his brother Raul's remarks regarding the US that they would discuss "everything", reassuring the world that as long as his pact with death holds out he's still running things.

[aenemaTron]

Rachel Maddow's ratings have been steadily declining since her strong debut, marking the first time she's been upset to see anything go down.

Cash or Credit?!!

Acknowledging it doesn't mitigate the fact that its horrible. I'm not a single-issue person but jokes about gay people where the punchline is "they're gay!" annoy me. I hope when he moves to the Tonight Show Conan will stop doing them. (Plus, I think everyone likes oral sex, right?)

You didn't deserve this, but you got it. To be fair, I hate every joke in this thread equally.

(Did I break the co-dependency spell in this thread? Let's find out!)

[Harry B]

Acknowledging it doesn't mitigate the fact that its horrible. I'm not a single-issue person but jokes about gay people where the punchline is "they're gay!" annoy me. I hope when he moves to the Tonight Show Conan will stop doing them. (Plus, I think everyone likes oral sex, right?)

You didn't deserve this, but you got it. To be fair, I hate every joke in this thread equally.

(Did I break the co-dependency spell in this thread? Let's find out!)

Do you hate every joke on late night television and weekend update too? Because I can understand not liking the format but some people wrote some well constructed jokes that would easily fit into a monologue or on WU.

[aenemaTron]

I admit I didn't read the whole thing. There are a couple that were OK. Most of them are horrible.

[Harry B]

I admit I didn't read the whole thing. There are a couple that were OK. Most of them are horrible.

Yeah, there's some duds, not pointing fingers. But I think people are just having fun with the idea of writing jokes in a familiar format.

[scamboogah]

A moderator in a comedy forum was recently quoted as saying he hated all the jokes posted there, but then admitted later that he didn't read most of them. As a result, George Bush and Condaleeza Rice are suing for copyright infringement.

[aenemaTron]

Not all and not most aren't the same thing, hypocrite!