NASCAR is alleging that Dr. Harvey MacFenerstein, an expert witness brought forth by suspended driver Jeremy Mayfield, might have fudged some of the facts when he testified on Mayfield's behalf. NASCAR officials say their suspicions first arose when the "doctor" claimed his name was Harvey MacFenerstein.
A computer professional in Norway has discovered a new and hard to find prime number known as a Mersenne with the help of an online computing project. Asked to describe how it felt to make the discovery he said "It felt like the time I got the number of this really hot girl after failing over and over again at hacking her computer."
Another story from the bad economy...Residents in Santa Ana, California are turning to lockable trash cans in an effort to discourage scavengers from collecting recyclable bottles and cans from their garbage. The homeowners say that the locks will have to suffice until scientists can develop a fogger-type device that would provide a more hassle-free method of simultaneously killing homeless people and destroying the environment.
"A UK woman cancelled her wedding plans when she discovered that her fiance was secretly a porn actor. She told reporters she first became suspicious when he grew a mustache, started walking around in a silk robe, and decorated every room of their apartment with Klieg lights."
"Except for MJEH. He is an irredeemable fiend who should be locked up!!" - Alex Mac
The Mexican government found more than one ton of cocaine hidden inside sharks aboard a freight ship yesterday. The officials became suspicious when the sharks wouldn't stop talking about how great 'Fight Club' is...
Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.
The Iranian government finally admitted that there are massive protests going on throughout the country. They insist, however, that it's got nothing to do with the elections, however, and just people who want Letterman fired.
Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.
Palid said, "If he meant Bristol it was merely a joke about two whorish adults. Clearly, though, this was a nationally public joke about child rape."
She added further, "And further, if you listen carefully, he actually says 'David Letterman the pagan lordchrist' instead of Alex Rodriguez when he said 'Alex Rodriguez'. "
He (and Stephen) would be thrilled that you've managed to get jokes into the verbal essay, because too often they rely on the bullet as the punchline. They prefer it be spread out like you've done it, but find it challenging. I laughed out loud at "President Mahmoud Iím-tired-of doing-this-every-time-I-say-his-name-inejad".
Doing a Word is damn hard, and apparently the thing that most often gets done incorrectly in packets. The staff writers have to submit a proposal for a Word before it's written, and only about 1 in 8 actually get written.
Well hopefully this Word will top the others. (Probably won't) All feedback is much appreciated.
your newest one is great. "just rub dirt on it" really had me...
Here's a few monologue jokes:
Yesterday a man set off an explosion in an Arby's bathroom in Delaware, destroying a toilet. When asked what exactly he used to achieve the destruction, he reportedly said, "Two Arby's Big Beef and Cheddars."
Andy Dick helped bring attention to a PETA protest against the slaughtering practices at McDonald's by dressing up as Ronald McDonald and brandishing a knife at patrons as they entered one of the fast food chain's restaurants. When asked for comment, one of the protesters remarked, "Oh he's not with us. He's just high on PCP."
This past week, Pixar helped fulfill a dying girl's final wish by sending an employee to her doorstep with an advanced DVD of Up and a basket full of toys. Not to be outdone, Vivid Video showed up at a boy's house with an advanced DVD of Teen Sluts 12 and a 6-pack of beer.
Edwin "Buzz" Aldren has penned his autobiography, in which he opens up about his battle with alcoholism. Now we know why they nicknamed him Buzz.
Radio stations are honoring Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett today by playing all of their hit songs.
Here's this weeks Colbert Word. Always glad to hear feedback.
Today, astronomers revealed that "Betelgeuse" is shrinking. What's next -- a trembling mothblood?
According to the Imperial College in London sheep are growing smaller in Scotland due to global warming. lambs that would not have survived harsh winters are now growing up and reproducing due to climate change. As a result the Scottish people now count gazelles to go to sleep at night.
Burning Question: If Sarah Palin does become President, do they chant "3 more years" at her second convention or does she quit 3 years into term one?
It doesn't matter. The only way Sarah Palin can win in 2012 is if Track dies after Obama signs an Executive Order taking away his body armor.
Colbert Word for July 5th.
The world's oldest known bible was put online today. Scholars say there are many significant differences between this 1600 year-old book and the bible we know today. For example, homosexuality and abortion are hardly mentioned at all.