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Thread: Writing News Jokes

  1. #241
    MJEH's Avatar
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Scammy Davis Boogah Jr. View Post
    A couple was arrested after having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle, where Queen Elizabeth lives. The Queen later said, "I don't think anyone's gone after a set of jewels like that here since Oliver Cromwell in 1649.
    I was going to do a joke about this situation, but couldn't think of a really
    funny one. After reading Scammy's bit, I see he couldn't either.
    "Except for MJEH. He is an irredeemable fiend who should be locked up!!" - Alex Mac



  2. #242
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    You just didn't get the wicked smart subtext. Oliver Cromwell stole and destroyed the English crown jewels in 1649.

    That, and jewels can also mean balls.
    Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.



  3. #243
    FourandahalfInchesRaw's Avatar
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Scammy Davis Boogah Jr. View Post
    You just didn't get the wicked smart subtext. Oliver Cromwell stole and destroyed the English crown jewels in 1649.

    That, and jewels can also mean balls.

    too early. not enough caffeine. read this as "wicked smart buttsex."

    continue.



  4. #244
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by yumitree View Post
    i think the punchline could use some re-working (coining "obesification" doesn't really work).
    The word was just fun, I was trying to tie together the liver disease/fatality that the FDA won't let you have versus alcohol that causes liver disease and can be fatal is legal, encouraged, and used by people to self-medicate. Still could be reworked to not be so "wordy" yet try to get that point across better.



  5. #245
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Scammy Davis Boogah Jr. View Post
    You just didn't get the wicked smart subtext. Oliver Cromwell stole and destroyed the English crown jewels in 1649.

    That, and jewels can also mean balls.
    Dude, I got the joke. I was just tryin' to be a smart-ass jerk
    but you didn't get my bitter subtext therefore RUINING my
    total asshole-ness. Thanks a lot. Now everyone thinks I'm just
    a total idiot instead of a mean bastard prick.

    And I thought we were gonna be the next Abbott and Costello...
    "Except for MJEH. He is an irredeemable fiend who should be locked up!!" - Alex Mac



  6. #246
    FourandahalfInchesRaw's Avatar
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by MJEH View Post
    Dude, I got the joke. I was just tryin' to be a smart-ass jerk
    but you didn't get my bitter subtext therefore RUINING my
    total asshole-ness. Thanks a lot. Now everyone thinks I'm just
    a total idiot instead of a mean bastard prick.

    And I thought we were gonna be the next Abbott and Costello...
    if it makes you feel any better, i think you're a mean bastard prick, and i don't even know you.

    but wait.

    does that mean that i'm more a mean bastard prick than you and am therefore biting of your steez? well, well well...what the fuck do we do about this? duel i say. to the death. with bologna.



  7. #247

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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Mexican officials have lowered the flu alert level in the capital. Cafes, libraries and museums will open this week however they are warning citizens the risk is not over yet and that a collective sigh of relief would be premature and dangerous.



  8. #248
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. In hopes of drumming up some publicity, the couple has adopted one of those celebrity marriage nicknames. Unfortunately, only Siamese twins joined at the tongue can pronounce it correctly.

    Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. They're registered at Beed, Baath, and Beeyoond.

    Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. I haven't seen that many useless A's since Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco testified in front of Congress.
    Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.



  9. #249
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    you leave the bash brothers out of this, asshole!
    "This is not the Beach Boys. It can't be. Why? No beach songs! I thought it was some kind of joke. All 'Pet Sounds' offers is the opportunity to hear Brian Wilson whine for forty minutes, backed by elevator music. There's barely any Mike Love on the album at all."



  10. #250
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by yumitree View Post
    you leave the bash brothers out of this, asshole!
    How's this?

    Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. Maggie's hyphenated last name now has more useless A's than a report card from Arizona State University.
    Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.



  11. #251
    yumitree's Avatar
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    i'd have gone with something like "i haven't seen that many useless a's since mike gaellgo and luis polonia showed up at a baseball card convention."
    "This is not the Beach Boys. It can't be. Why? No beach songs! I thought it was some kind of joke. All 'Pet Sounds' offers is the opportunity to hear Brian Wilson whine for forty minutes, backed by elevator music. There's barely any Mike Love on the album at all."



  12. #252

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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    fuck off yumi, the bash brothers joke was amazing.



  13. #253
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by forgetiheardthat View Post
    fuck off yumi, the bash brothers joke was amazing.
    +1. that made me LOL for real



  14. #254

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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    U.S. health officials are no longer recommending that schools close if students come down with swine flu. Instead they are urging parents to keep children with flu symptoms at home for 7 days preferably in a clean, well-lit cage in the basement.



  15. #255
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Joe 'The Plumber' Werzelbacher was recently quoted as saying he wouldn't want 'queers' anywhere near his kids. A pretty bold statement from a guy who snakes out shit-filled orifices for a living.
    Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.



  16. #256

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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    After more than 5 centuries protecting popes in the Vatican, the Swiss Guard may consider opening its ranks to women. Possible options on the table include an "if they look butch enough don't ask don't tell" policy.



  17. #257
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Catholic leaders have attacked the film sequel to The Da Vinci Code for its "gratuitously outlandish" portrayal of the Church. According to Father Dean Berlutti, there was a total lack of regard for constant, aching erections that can only be quelled by the soft moonlit touch of a non-fortified human hole of inappropriate age. That, and eating poop, he said.



  18. #258
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    Re: Writing News Jokes




  19. #259
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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Cameron View Post
    Those people are assholes who should be ashamed of themselves. Hopefully the writer's union will grow a pair and put a stop to this.
    Hey, check me out. I'm a ghost.



  20. #260

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    Re: Writing News Jokes

    Congratulations Robert Schimmel on beating cancer! What a fighter! What will he beat next?!



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