A Little Bo Peep Story

[Reverend Pudding]

(a sample from my blog on FreedomHaters.org. I began writing a blog in the guise of a cult leader - a scientology parody - then moved on to political satire and pieces like this one)

This week, I'm moving on from David Icke and his lizard monster fantasies to an equally-interesting fellow: The late Marshall Applewhite.

This man's "Heaven's Gate" was a very special little cult. Marshall and his wife Bonnie went by the names "Bo" and "Peep" (Bonnie died in 1985, and Marshall and his new partner became "Ti" and "Do" - unfortunately for posterity, those names aren't nearly as funny, so I'm sticking with "Bo" and "Peep").

After introducing themselves - as "Bo" and "Peep", I feel I can't overstress that - Marshall and partner would impart information regarding Earth's doom.


"Oh dear," one might imagine a potential initiate responding, "- is there anything we can do in preparation, Bo and - I'm sorry, was it 'Peep'...?"

In a nutshell, Mad Marsh (who was, by then, claiming to be Jesus) would then explain that enlightened people ought to kill themselves to begin the next level of existence.

"Seems reasonable." some of the respondents apparently said, "Do I need to sign anything...?"

Artist's rendition of how Applewhite might look, if he were alive today

And when I say "some of the respondents", I'm not talking about two or three. On that fateful day in March, 1997, thirty-eight Heaven's Gatesketeers joined this nutty old dude for a bowl of lethal mashed fruit snack (applesauce loaded with enough phenobarbitol to kill five Keith Richardses, washed down with vodka).

At least two more cult members who'd had second thoughts on the big day have sinced croaked themselves for the cause. Too little too late, I say. Back of the spaceship with those Johnny-die-latelys.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't yet mentioned the spaceship. Bo, Peep, and the other true believers felt certain that behind the Hale-Bopp comet trailed a craft containing...aliens!! Wudja expect?

Is it possible these folks are not really dead, but are instead living on forever in the stars, just as they'd expected? People have believed, and still believe, some pretty far out things...

At the risk of sounding cynical, my own guess is: No. They're worm food, and nothing more. Some of them very prematurely.

Members of Heaven's Gate lived together in a rented mansion in California, paying their bills by designing websites. Their own website is still up and running at www.heavensgate.com. Creepy, no...?

For reasons I can't be bothered to look into, Marshall and his band of merry mouth-breathers referred to themselves as an "Away Team" (a la Star Trek), wore matching uniforms with cloth "Heaven's Gate" patches (a la teenage Metallica fans), matching crewcuts, and purple Nike running shoes (a la... I got nothing for this one).

It's not easy to joke about a bunch of people killing themselves because of an insane elderly man's demented hallucinations. Thank goodness the leaders called themselves Bo and Peep (plus, the applesauce was a nice touch).

[maxbarth]

Funny stuff. Thanks for posting!

[Reverend Pudding]

Thanks Max. Here's part two of my scientology parody, from the same site. It's a jab at their obviously self interested anti-psychiatry position. Unlike the above piece about Bo and Peep, this one is written in character, as the Reverend Neil Pudding (clergyman of SOK).

SOK: The Society Of Kneeophytes
Part Two: I Can Knee Clearly Now


The aliens who regularly speak with children's author C. Spaught-Runn have much knowledge to offer.


For example, through SOK's resident psychic/ufologist and alien translator, Anne Unaki, CS-R has learned about the very real dangers of optometry.

"People are attaching shards of glass to their faces, and even putting rubbery chunks of shaped petrochemicals beneath their eyelids! And for what?! Optometry is unsafe, unnecessary and just plain rotten!" from C. Spaught-Runn's "Me, Myself and Eye: How Opticians Are Destroying America".

Since the Spring of 2003, The Society Of Kneeophytes has set up fully-staffed "Vision Booths" in the downtown regions of eighteen cities across the United States and Canada. At these booths, anyone interested can take an absolutely free eye exam. Dependent on the results of these tests, participants will have recommended to them the best possible course of action to improve their sight. Often this involves becoming a member of SOK.

I originally found CS-R's teachings solely because I'd agreed to taking one of these absolutely free "VB" tests, so they mean a great deal to me. In fact, part of my work with SOK involves training new VB testers. Basically, I just tell them to smile a lot and to watch for "SPs" (Squinting People), as they are very often willing to take the test.

By the end of 2003, a splinter group had formed, under the demented, self-serving leadership of former SOK member Martin Slutch. The group - called "Knees For Jesus" - stole the messages of C. Spaught-Runn's writings for use in their bizarre clan, but for two changes. Firstly, they believe that Jesus of Nazareth had three knees. Secondly, it is written in the "KFJ" Faith Manual that, "The responsible use of contact lenses and eyeglasses is permitted (provided they are obtained through Dr. Slutch's Quality Eyewear Inc.)"

Before this whacko abandoned us, he did make some notable contributions. It was Martin Slutch who, while still a Kneeophyte, uncovered the "Nipplegate" conspiracy (Janet Jackson flashing her flesh thimble during Superbowl 38) Apparently, the shadowy and sinister Build-A-Bear group managed to ferret an operative into Jackson's dressing room just prior to the half-time show. Obviously, the agent tampered with her outfit. C. Spaught-Runn later revealed that the Build-A-Bearers had been causing similar "accidents" across the globe. Concerning the motive of the conspirators, CS-R believes that "revealing women's nipples probably makes them really horny."

Don't miss next week's SOK installment, "Eat My Eam!"

In the meantime, this Saturday you can catch DJ Silent K at the SOK Celebrity Kneehab Center in Bowlegs, Oklahoma.

Early in the evening, K will be pumping out hits like, "Cap'n Cap", "SOK it to Me" and "Give Knees a Chance". Then, after 9pm, it's Adults Only. You'll hear Silent K's "Hos in Hose in the House" and the crowd-pleasing "Yeah I'm a Cult Member - Go Fuck Yourself!".