Joke Workshop & Free Jokes

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

I've come to the conclusion I will never do stand-up. I don't feel any serious shame or regret about this, I'm just not a performer. I do think I'm a pretty funny guy who can come up with good premises and stuff and if I get serious, I may have a career as a comedy writer in the future, but right now I'm content just to say goofy shit on the internet. Given those facts, I will post free jokes for people who do stand-up to use if they want or things I'm working on that I'd like to sort of workshop out with people. Anyone game?

Here's one:

"It's a new decade, almost, or is, depending on when this joke is told, and I've been doing a lot of thinking about things I want to happen or things I hope I see change, and I keep coming back to one very important hope that I have for this next decade, and that is that I hope Dave Grohl and his compatriots finally defeat Foo. They've been opposing Foo since 1995 and it's time that this senseless conflict is finally resolved."

A very dumb joke, but I'm a big fan of desperately stupid puns, and one I think could work well if delivered properly.

I'm working on another one that is basically just someone pretending to think that 9/11 was a piece of elaborate performance art but I'm not sure I can work out the wording or that you could come up with a way to fit it organically into a set, but feel free to take that premise and run with it if you like it.

[chrisrozwod]

I really like the Foo Fighters idea. For me though, it's rather wordy. I don't think you gain anything by relating it to the new decade.

I guess what I'd like to see is
"When are Dave Grohl and his compatriots finally going to defeat Foo? They've been opposing Foo since 1995. Isn't it about time for this senseless conflict to be resolved?"

Maybe if you wanted to expand it, you could add more bands with violent names at the end and suggest that perhaps they step in and help out, or something along those lines (The Killers, Death Cab For Cutie, Rage Against The Machine, etc.). I think that you might have to do a lot of names for it to be worth it though. It's probably better staying short and sweet, but who knows?

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

See, I thought it worked better with the conceit of the new decade because really, who talks about the Foo Fighters anymore? It's not a particularly relevant reference to go with in 2009 so I feel it works better with that idea to back it up.

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Here's another one:

"I know what you're thinking. Not you as in the entire audience, but you specifically sir, and yes, you can fit one more hooker in your crawlspace, you'll just have to fold her at the waist slightly. Hope that helps."

[chrisrozwod]

See, I thought it worked better with the conceit of the new decade because really, who talks about the Foo Fighters anymore? It's not a particularly relevant reference to go with in 2009 so I feel it works better with that idea to back it up.

I see where you're coming from, but I feel like if people have a problem with the joke, it's not going to be because of that. Also, within the joke, you mention how long they've been fighting Foo, so you're already acknowledging how long they've been around.

The biggest reason I think it should be short and sweet is that the joke is simple. I usually feel like the more time you invest in a set up, the bigger the payoff should be. I might be splitting hairs on this because it isn't much longer, but I think it's better for it to be trimmed down. I don't think that relating it to the new year makes the joke itself better. At most, it makes the idea more relevant (but only for the time being...you'll have to change the wording in a month or two anyway, I'd imagine). If the extra words don't make the joke itself better, aren't they just filler? Maybe you could get around this by putting a joke into that part of the set up too?

It's the new decade, and I've been thinking a lot about things that I want to see happen. (Potential spot for new joke) I keep coming back to...

Last year, I wanted ...
Last year brought us
In 2000, I wanted...
etc.

Maybe you could just put in an unexpected idea and move on.

For example,
...I want to see happen. Cotton-candy heroin aside, I keep coming back to...

You see what I mean. Unless you can get better laughs, or more laughs with the extra words, I'd say lose them.

[SlyBattery]

I really like the Foo Fighters idea. For me though, it's rather wordy. I don't think you gain anything by relating it to the new decade.

I guess what I'd like to see is
"When are Dave Grohl and his compatriots finally going to defeat Foo? They've been opposing Foo since 1995. Isn't it about time for this senseless conflict to be resolved?"

Maybe if you wanted to expand it, you could add more bands with violent names at the end and suggest that perhaps they step in and help out, or something along those lines (The Killers, Death Cab For Cutie, Rage Against The Machine, etc.). I think that you might have to do a lot of names for it to be worth it though. It's probably better staying short and sweet, but who knows?

You could also end all that with, "and I wish that Nickleback could just stop playing music." Or some such band you don't care for. Because that joke doesn't really have a whole lot of punch on its own. Not that adding that makes it a great joke, but its misdirection, which is supposedly funny.

Or, considering the fact that you consider the Foo Fighters out of date (are they really?) you could make some comment like, "I don't get it, these killed back in 96'." But you would have to hope the audience understands that they are as out of date as you do.

Or you could just say the line then hold the mic against your ass and let out a really loud fart. That really drives it home.

I didn't help at all.

[chrisrozwod]

Here's another one:

"I know what you're thinking. Not you as in the entire audience, but you specifically sir, and yes, you can fit one more hooker in your crawlspace, you'll just have to fold her at the waist slightly. Hope that helps."

I like it.

I'd remove the word slightly though.

Though I think it's good for a laugh as it stands right now, you could expand it and really make it count if you wanted to. I've always been fond of that sort of thing.

You could make it into a whole story by asking "What?" after what you have right now and then going into something else.

Hope that helps.
(act like the guy says something)
Sorry, what's that?
(act like the guy says something)
Well yeah, I guess you're going to have to break her knees first then.
(act like the guy says something)
I don't know...Febreze maybe. You'll have to do something.
(act like the guy says something)
Well just buy some more. She's not going to care about the Febreze. I'm sure of it.
and so forth for whatever sort of story you want to tell. I think it'd be funny to have the guy doing something with the hookers' clothes.

Again, it's good as it stands, but you could elaborate for a long time if you wanted. Maybe even go so far with it that it transitions into your next joke.

[chrisrozwod]

You could also end all that with, "and I wish that Nickleback could just stop playing music." Or some such band you don't care for. Because that joke doesn't really have a whole lot of punch on its own. Not that adding that makes it a great joke, but its misdirection, which is supposedly funny.

Maybe suggest that they stop fighting Foo and direct their attention toward Nickelback...or something like that?

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Thanks for the feedback guys! And again, anyone who can reasonably fit either of those two lines into their act is welcome to use these jokes.

[Mack Luster]

I've come up with one of my own, but if someone wants it, they can have it. By the time I would even have the opportunity to tell it, it will be obsolete.

Have you guys heard about Shane Sparks, the co-host of "America's Best Dance Crew?" He was charged with 8 counts of child molestation. Obviously, this terrible for everyone affected by it, but I kind of feel bad for Shane, too. I mean, things were just coming together for him. In fact, before this whole story broke, he had just signed a deal to host a new show called "So You Think You Can Tell Your Parents About This?"

[scamboogah]

Jokes are like pairs of underwear. Why would anyone take one that someone else is giving away?

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

They're not used?

[RubelT]

Here's one you'll like.

I've been thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me. She can cook, clean and her hips are wider than a WOOCHAKEEMATACHAKA.


It's a breed of mutant pumpkin.

[SlyBattery]

I have written a lot of jokes. And being as that I am to lazy to ever find a local comedy zone to go try them out, I would love to throw them out here to get peoples opinions. But I think that would be ultimately a bad idea, so I will just throw out really old/terrible jokes that I would never attempt to do on stage.


Most people were amazed when Michael Jackson unsleashed the dance revolution known as the Moonwalk. But I think he is just a thief. Because, unlike everyone else, I seem to remember it being done first by an up and coming dancer known as Mr Neil Armstrong.

Have you ever bought a watch and you just sit around all day waiting for some guy to ask you the time, but no one ever does? Then about a week later you just don't care and you don't wear it then someone asks you. And your just like "Fuck you...I'll tell you what time it is, time to stop being such an insensitive jerk." And then the guy is all sad because he realizes he is standing in front of Big Ben. (I don't understand this either...its not really a joke...but thats why its here)

I think we are too mean to the Amish. I really think it is about time we tell them about electricity.

A friend of mine goes to church all the time. Not because he is religious or anything, he's just constantly stalked by vampires

I like to find people that are in conversations and just sit there and listen in on them for a few seconds and just shout "Speaking of Charles in Charge, Scott Baio is probably the greatest actor ever." Then when they bring to my attention that no one was talking about Charles in Charge, I say "and that's the problem." (This one is so stupid, I am embarrassed to put it on here. But I don't think I ever really found it that funny. Again, it is barely a joke, but whatever.)

So there you go, a bunch of pretty terrible joke-ish things that anyone can go ahead and use. Enjoy!

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

ATTENTION: This thread is also my internet-based comedy boot camp. It costs 12 Twizzlers and I will teach you the most important lesson for any stand-up comedian to learn: how to get more stage time. I don't want to give away too much but it involves an eight-ball of coke and a Slip N Slide. You can Paypal me the Twizzlers now or send me your headshot with a funny word balloon attached to it as the down payment.

[James Smann]

For me, the Foo joke would be like this:

"President Obama today announced he is starting an immediate reduction of forces in Afghanistan in order to turn his attention to a conflict that's been raging for much longer, at long last helping Dave Grohl defeat Foo. Grohl is quoted as saying "This plan is definitely the best, the best, the best, the best one yet."

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

For me, the Foo joke would be like this:

"President Obama today announced he is starting an immediate reduction of forces in Afghanistan in order to turn his attention to a conflict that's been raging for much longer, at long last helping Dave Grohl defeat Foo. Grohl is quoted as saying "This plan is definitely the best, the best, the best, the best one yet."

Anybody have Seth Myers cell phone number?

[James Smann]

Hey be nice! I thought it was okay.


/can't tell if you're being complimentary or not, so I'm responding under the assumption that the "Fuck you, faggot" nature of the internet has reared it's ugly head again

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Hey be nice! I thought it was okay.


/can't tell if you're being complimentary or not, so I'm responding under the assumption that the "Fuck you, faggot" nature of the internet has reared it's ugly head again

No I think I could actually sell that to SNL if they bought jokes, that was an honest to goodness compliment!

[James Smann]

Awww, thanks then! To be fair, it was your concept that I just tweaked and added a reference to Foo lyrics to. So we'll split the profits 50/50?