Help us with our jokes

[CBB]

Looks like no one has posted in this thread for a week or two but any advice on the following jokes would be greatly appreciated. I'm doing my first five minute open mike (more of an open variety show) and I don't expect it to go all that well, but figure I need to bite the bullet at some point. Here are some of the jokes I'm particularly on the fence about.

1- I'm pretty new to comedy, so I've been reading up on this "humor" stuff and asking for advice, and most people say to just be honest write what you know. And I took that advice seriously but after an hour or so of writing all I had were nine masturbation jokes, a joke about cucumbers, and a joke about the Disney Channel Show Wizards of Waverly Place. So eleven masturbation jokes.


2- This is strange but true. President John F Kennedy used to say that if he didn't have sex with a new woman every couple of days his semen would get backed up and give him migraines. This would have been anatomically impossible were it not for the fact President Kennedy was a dickhead.

That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like."


3- In light of teen pregnancy figures the Virginia tourism board recently voted to change our state motto from Virginia is for lovers to: Virginia, virgins welcome.

It was a compromise from Govenor Mcdonnel's suggestion: Virginia, no faggots.


4- Earlier this week vice president Biden got caught dropping an f-bomb, and it was really upsetting because he didn't even have the decency to drop it on Afghanistan.


5- I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, which is ruff because it's really hard to convince girls to look inside my trash compactor.

6- I've been doing a lot of internet dating but it's hard because everyone is so dishonest, including me. I was out with this girl and after we talked for a while she was all pissed. She's like, "You said you had a job and blue eyes and drive a bmw," but it all seemed pretty hypocritical, cause it's not like she was actually in middle school.

These last two are really stupid, but for some reason they were one of my good friends favorites

7- This summer I traveled through the south of France, and I know everyone says this, but it was amazing, especially the food. This one restaurant in particular was great, I ordered the cake, and they said they didn't have cake, so I ate it, too. (The joke originally simply went: the other day I didn't have cake, so I ate it too-- probably equally bad.)

and lastly

8- As many of you may already know, it's best not to presume the foreknowledge of a hypothetical group.

Anyway I'm a little worried the combo of the two pedo-ish jokes (1,6) and the trash compactor joke makes the whole thing to dark, and they might be a little to hard to pull off, especially for a first timer. Or maybe none of them are funny. The whole set is a shot in the dark so maybe I should just try everything and see if anything sticks.

[JustinGoff]

1- I'm pretty new to comedy, so I've been reading up on this "humor" stuff and asking for advice, and most people say to just be honest write what you know. And I took that advice seriously but after an hour or so of writing all I had were nine masturbation jokes, something about cucumbers, and a bit about the Disney Channel Show Wizards of Waverly Place. So eleven masturbation jokes.

I would suggest finding synonyms for 'joke' in the middle there, like the bolded examples, especially if you are coming back to it in the tag.

6- I've been doing a lot of internet dating but it's hard because everyone is so dishonest, including me. I was out with this girl and after we talked for a while she was all pissed. She's like, "You said you had a job and blue eyes and drive a bmw," but it all seemed pretty hypocritical, cause it's not like she was actually in middle school.

If you're going for shock value there, make the commitment with something like:

'but it seemed pretty hypocritical to me because she wasn't actually 14...or menstruating.'

[CBB]

Thanks for the advice Justin. I think I was afraid if I didn't use joke three times, it would be harder to pick up on the addition angle. But maybe not.

[Squall]

2 Jokes. I would love to know what you think of them:

1. Do you ever have a dog that gets poop caught in the forest around its butt, and then you, the dog-owner, must use a scissors to trim the area so that the poop can go through without getting stuck?

Is it weird that I have to do that for myself?

2. It's not a new concept that "every man tries to suck his own dick." However, I am proud to say that, one time, in my parent's basement, I succeeded in getting my penis into my mouth a little.

And I was so excited that I peed myself.

[MJEH]

2 Jokes. I would love to know what you think of them:

1. Do you ever have a dog that gets poop caught in the forest around its butt, and then you, the dog-owner, must use a scissors to trim the area so that the poop can go through without getting stuck?

Is it weird that I have to do that for myself?

2. It's not a new concept that "every man tries to suck his own dick." However, I am proud to say that, one time, in my parent's basement, I succeeded in getting my penis into my mouth a little.

And I was so excited that I peed myself.

Maybe if you tried to get your dog's penis in your mouth...

[ificouldjumpinhere]

edit: nevermind

[pixel revolt]

Decided you couldn't jump in.

[Squall]

Maybe if you tried to get your dog's penis in your mouth...

Thanks for the help! Your ability to almost nonsensically relate the two jokes in a way that offers no solutions, and no humor is a great example of how not to perform comedy!

I don't even know if you thought it was a good joke, but I suspect that you didn't. Can you offer some actual HELP, rather than just a snarky remark?

[JuanCarlos]

2 Jokes. I would love to know what you think of them:

1. Do you ever have a dog that gets poop caught in the forest around its butt, and then you, the dog-owner, must use a scissors to trim the area so that the poop can go through without getting stuck?

Is it weird that I have to do that for myself?

I think in this shit joke the flourishes of calling the hair around a dog's ass "forest" and things like "you the dog owner" don't help the joke. Also, you assume it's a very common thing to have to do that kind of trimming when probably most people won't know what you're talking about, maybe you should first explain in a very direct way the phenomenon, then you can get to the punchline .

2. It's not a new concept that "every man tries to suck his own dick." However, I am proud to say that, one time, in my parent's basement, I succeeded in getting my penis into my mouth a little.

And I was so excited that I peed myself.

I think this dick joke would be much better without the word "myself", maybe "peed a little".

[Squall]

Good points. I do tend to say "myself" a lot. I noticed that even in writing this. Thanks!

[KeithTalent]

1- I'm pretty new to comedy, so I've been reading up on this "humor" stuff and asking for advice, and most people say to just be honest write what you know. And I took that advice seriously but after an hour or so of writing all I had were nine masturbation jokes, a joke about cucumbers, and a joke about the Disney Channel Show Wizards of Waverly Place. So eleven masturbation jokes.

5- I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, which is ruff because it's really hard to convince girls to look inside my trash compactor.

8- As many of you may already know, it's best not to presume the foreknowledge of a hypothetical group.

Anyway I'm a little worried the combo of the two pedo-ish jokes (1,6) and the trash compactor joke makes the whole thing to dark, and they might be a little to hard to pull off, especially for a first timer. Or maybe none of them are funny. The whole set is a shot in the dark so maybe I should just try everything and see if anything sticks.

The first one made me laugh, the fact that you reference the specific kids' show makes it somehow less creepy.

I had a hard time picturing how to conveniently get at a lady's brains by making her stick her head in the trash compactor, so maybe another (equally gruesome) image, although "trash compactor" is a funny phrase so maybe not.

That last one is good, makes me think of Jimmy Carr. I'd just say "knowledge" though.

[theyallhateme]

I had a hard time picturing how to conveniently get at a lady's brains by making her stick her head in the trash compactor, so maybe another (equally gruesome) image, although "trash compactor" is a funny phrase so maybe not.

I agree. I think a "table saw" angle might work better for this joke.

[JustinGoff]

I agree. I think a "table saw" angle might work better for this joke.

I think you're onto something with table saw. I'm thinking something along the lines of:

"People are always saying that the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, but how does anyone know for sure? And how can I know for sure? I mean when is the last time you saw a woman taking a nap on a running table saw?"

[KevinLee]

Looking for jokes about cruiseships.

[MJEH]

Looking for jokes about cruiseships.

Disney Cruiselines...




Rosie's Gay and Lesbian Cruise...



The Exxon Valdez Cruise...



"Cruising", the 1980 gay-themed movie starring Al Pacino...

[Vercetti]

Looks like no one has posted in this thread for a week or two but any advice on the following jokes would be greatly appreciated. I'm doing my first five minute open mike (more of an open variety show) and I don't expect it to go all that well, but figure I need to bite the bullet at some point. Here are some of the jokes I'm particularly on the fence about.

1- I'm pretty new to comedy, so I've been reading up on this "humor" stuff and asking for advice, and most people say to just be honest write what you know. And I took that advice seriously but after an hour or so of writing all I had were nine masturbation jokes, a joke about cucumbers, and a joke about the Disney Channel Show Wizards of Waverly Place. So eleven masturbation jokes.


2- This is strange but true. President John F Kennedy used to say that if he didn't have sex with a new woman every couple of days his semen would get backed up and give him migraines. This would have been anatomically impossible were it not for the fact President Kennedy was a dickhead.

That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like."


3- In light of teen pregnancy figures the Virginia tourism board recently voted to change our state motto from Virginia is for lovers to: Virginia, virgins welcome.

It was a compromise from Govenor Mcdonnel's suggestion: Virginia, no faggots.


4- Earlier this week vice president Biden got caught dropping an f-bomb, and it was really upsetting because he didn't even have the decency to drop it on Afghanistan.


5- I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, which is ruff because it's really hard to convince girls to look inside my trash compactor.

6- I've been doing a lot of internet dating but it's hard because everyone is so dishonest, including me. I was out with this girl and after we talked for a while she was all pissed. She's like, "You said you had a job and blue eyes and drive a bmw," but it all seemed pretty hypocritical, cause it's not like she was actually in middle school.

These last two are really stupid, but for some reason they were one of my good friends favorites

7- This summer I traveled through the south of France, and I know everyone says this, but it was amazing, especially the food. This one restaurant in particular was great, I ordered the cake, and they said they didn't have cake, so I ate it, too. (The joke originally simply went: the other day I didn't have cake, so I ate it too-- probably equally bad.)

and lastly

8- As many of you may already know, it's best not to presume the foreknowledge of a hypothetical group.

Anyway I'm a little worried the combo of the two pedo-ish jokes (1,6) and the trash compactor joke makes the whole thing to dark, and they might be a little to hard to pull off, especially for a first timer. Or maybe none of them are funny. The whole set is a shot in the dark so maybe I should just try everything and see if anything sticks.

Personally I think you're off to a solid start. You've got the structure down and didn't make the newbie mistake of padding out unnecesarily. Well done. The first joke made me chuckle heartily, as did the Biden joke. Take it to the stage!

[CBB]

Thanks for the comments and suggestions everyone. Tried out about 20 one liners at an open mike (more of an open stage/variety thingy, there were plays and musicians and stuff) and it went pretty well. I think I actually kind of wanted to bomb to see if I could work through it and get back on stage anyway, but I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to bomb in the future.

[Kon Darp]

2- This is strange but true. President John F Kennedy used to say that if he didn't have sex with a new woman every couple of days his semen would get backed up and give him migraines. This would have been anatomically impossible were it not for the fact President Kennedy was a dickhead.

That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like."

Since the title of the series is arguably the punchline, I would make it...punchier. There are many angles to go:

"Making fun on Icons"
"They can't defend themselves"
"Baseless accusations"

And/or tag it with a sequal joke/project like...

'Look out for my next installment, 'Lincoln Had a Foot Fetish'"

Extra points if you refer to a joke you actually make in the future.

-

Of course, you have more stage experience than I do at this point. This just jumped out at me as having more potential, and I like editing jokes.

[Kohlrabi]

So I like all your jokes. I think you have a pretty awesome style.

2- This is strange but true. President John F Kennedy used to say that if he didn't have sex with a new woman every couple of days his semen would get backed up and give him migraines. This would have been anatomically impossible were it not for the fact President Kennedy was a dickhead.

That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like."

I like this joke. I think it works better if you end with the setup for the next joke in the "making fun of historical figures most people like" series.

That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like." beat You know what the worst part about Ghandi was...?

5- I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, which is ruff because it's really hard to convince girls to look inside my trash compactor.

I have a joke that has a similar set up to this, and I messed around with things that would allow me to get access to a girl's brain. I found that the audience liked chainsaw the best. So try chainsaw, maybe? I don't know.

[scamboogah]

I messed around with things that would allow me to get access to a girl's brain.

Have you tried listening?

Am I right, ladies?