Looks like no one has posted in this thread for a week or two but any advice on the following jokes would be greatly appreciated. I'm doing my first five minute open mike (more of an open variety show) and I don't expect it to go all that well, but figure I need to bite the bullet at some point. Here are some of the jokes I'm particularly on the fence about.
1- I'm pretty new to comedy, so I've been reading up on this "humor" stuff and asking for advice, and most people say to just be honest write what you know. And I took that advice seriously but after an hour or so of writing all I had were nine masturbation jokes, a joke about cucumbers, and a joke about the Disney Channel Show Wizards of Waverly Place. So eleven masturbation jokes.
2- This is strange but true. President John F Kennedy used to say that if he didn't have sex with a new woman every couple of days his semen would get backed up and give him migraines. This would have been anatomically impossible were it not for the fact President Kennedy was a dickhead.
That joke is part of a series I'm working on called "making fun of historical figures most people like."
3- In light of teen pregnancy figures the Virginia tourism board recently voted to change our state motto from Virginia is for lovers to: Virginia, virgins welcome.
It was a compromise from Govenor Mcdonnel's suggestion: Virginia, no faggots.
4- Earlier this week vice president Biden got caught dropping an f-bomb, and it was really upsetting because he didn't even have the decency to drop it on Afghanistan.
5- I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her brain, which is ruff because it's really hard to convince girls to look inside my trash compactor.
6- I've been doing a lot of internet dating but it's hard because everyone is so dishonest, including me. I was out with this girl and after we talked for a while she was all pissed. She's like, "You said you had a job and blue eyes and drive a bmw," but it all seemed pretty hypocritical, cause it's not like she was actually in middle school.
These last two are really stupid, but for some reason they were one of my good friends favorites
7- This summer I traveled through the south of France, and I know everyone says this, but it was amazing, especially the food. This one restaurant in particular was great, I ordered the cake, and they said they didn't have cake, so I ate it, too. (The joke originally simply went: the other day I didn't have cake, so I ate it too-- probably equally bad.)
8- As many of you may already know, it's best not to presume the foreknowledge of a hypothetical group.
Anyway I'm a little worried the combo of the two pedo-ish jokes (1,6) and the trash compactor joke makes the whole thing to dark, and they might be a little to hard to pull off, especially for a first timer. Or maybe none of them are funny. The whole set is a shot in the dark so maybe I should just try everything and see if anything sticks.