Help us with our jokes

[drbristol]

My friend's always telling me to try new things. He says "its better to try and fail than never try at all." Anyone who believes that philosophy has never experienced erectile dysfunction.

I would have gone to a Catholic School. If not for the restraining order.

I've always been cautious with women. As a kid, I never played doctor b/c of the need for tort reform.

Guy at the DMV yesterday asked if I'd be an organ donor. I said best I could do was a saxaphone.

Apparently, menage a trois translates to twice the dissapointment.

Pretty good but those five are my favorites.

Maybe I'd tighten the first one and make it more embarassing? "My Dad is always browbeating me that it's better to fail than never try at all. Apparently he's unaware of my erectile dysfunction issues..."

[Mutant Despot]

"I got really upset with my wife the other day.

She tends to act a little childish and immature for this joke to work (beat). She was giving me the silent treatment for some reason and then with out warning, she ran outside and knocked down my sand castle.

This is a Woody Allen joke.

"My wife was an immature woman. See if this is not immature to you: I would be home in the bathroom, taking a bath, and my wife would walk right in, whenever she felt like, and sink my boats."

Sorry, I know how disappointing it is when that happens.

[Just Brett]

Yikes!! I know I've heard one of Woody Allen's albums once before (around 5 years ago)... but not sure if I picked it up subconsciously.

I remember when I wrote it down a few weeks ago how excited I was. :-(

(Embarrassed)

This same thing happened a couple months back with a lingerie joke I wrote and wanted to know what people thought of it. Someone pointed out that Steve Martin had done something like it before.

Does this shit happen to anyone else?

[Shauno]

I don't know if any of the jokes I've written could be attributed to subconscious theft; I do know, however, that there've been quite a few written in the same rhythm as other comics and I can't stand it. There's one joke in particular that I love to bits, however after practicing getting the wording and timing of the joke down all I can hear is Anthony Jeselnik. The only benefit is that I can kind of do an impression of him now.

[SeanX3]

I've written a couple of lousy Attels and crummy Marons. I just file 'em away under “Blah blah BLAH blah BLAH blah blah BLAH" and "Are we good? We're not good. But that's okay!"

[Dylan Smith]

I think there's an overpopulation problem. I've never been to a public place where I didn't wish someone who was there wasn't.

I bought crotchless underwear for my mom's birthday. They weren't well received. She said I looked ridiculous in them.

I was looking through some old highschool yearbooks and realized maybe I had ADD back in school. I was out of focus in every picture.

They published a motivational speaker's suicide note in the local paper. It was the most inspirational thing I ever read.

I like these ones.

Some of the other ones were amusing to read but I've found that a lot of puns and clever, witty stuff can go over the audience's heads if it's not impactful enough on the punch. Something to consider. That will depend on the crowd, though.

[Mutant Despot]

Does this shit happen to anyone else?

This definitely happens to me, and I worry about it every time I write something new. I wrote a Silverman a few weeks ago. I also once came up with a bit I was really excited about, until I saw a clip of Bob Odenkirk doing the exact same thing on Dr. Katz. It was too similar to be a coincidence, which is bizarre because I had no memory that Odenkirk had ever been on that show. I must have seen it 15 years ago, before I knew who he was, and it'd been lying dormant since then.

[drbristol]

I've found that a lot of puns and clever, witty stuff can go over the audience's heads if it's not impactful enough on the punch...

Rimshot!

[AliasRomanian]

They published a motivational speaker's suicide note in the local paper. It was the most inspirational thing I ever read.

It may be better this way:

The local newspaper published a motivational speakers suicide note. I didn't find it that inspirational but according to the next days obituary section 1,453 other people did.

[Ryan Carrier]

On the Stanhope episode of Rogan's podcast, they mention some comic that would fall asleep drunk listening to Carlin or whoever and wake up with 50 'new' jokes the next morning. I know I have to be careful cause I would use little parts of bits back when I just wanted to entertain a couple friends and wasn't thinking about ever trying to be original in front of a crowd. I saw someone the other night use the phrase "spun me into a dimension of pissed off" which I associate with a bit by Ron White no matter what the context.

It may be better this way:

The local newspaper published a motivational speakers suicide note. I didn't find it that inspirational but according to the next days obituary section 1,453 other people did.

Maybe take out the word 'inspirational.' Let people come up with that themselves by making the motivational speaker-people listening to him by ending up in the obituaries connection.

[mikemayberry]

Here is my intro again:

I want to be famous but not for my own sake. I want to be famous so that someday you can see me on TV and say, "I saw him when he sucked." I'm not saying that because I think I suck, I think I'm awesome, now. Thing is, I also thought I was awesome a couple of years ago, then. I now know that I sucked then and will probably suck now, in the future.

So on behalf of myself in the past, you're welcome in advance for the hilarity that is about to ensue. And on behalf of myself in the future, I apologize. Over the next few minutes you will feel some discomfort, but this will be over before you know it.

I like the first part now, after some tweaking, but I think the last sentence is unoriginal. I think it will get a laugh though, so I will leave it in until I figure out (or you tell me) a better way to end it.

[AliasRomanian]

I had a friend who was sleeping around with a 17 year old and justified it by saying she was only 1 year away from being legal. Sure, if you bring arithmetic into the equation any bitch is old enough to sleep with. "Nah officer I just square rooted her age so we good." Not sure why I made that sound like it was coming from a black person. Black people can't square root.

[xoxoStephxoxo]

"If I ever decide to become a published novelist, I'm going to change my name to something catchy like Paige Turner."

Tacky? Hacky? Wacky?
Only words that rhyme with the above will be accepted.

[mikemayberry]

"If I ever decide to become a published novelist, I'm going to change my name to something catchy like Paige Turner."

Tacky? Hacky? Wacky?
Only words that rhyme with the above will be accepted.

N. Mike Indle

I like yours. Hopefully you don't end up in nazi Germany though, you would be called Paige Burns.

Fun game. Thanks for starting it.

[Barmy Man]

Yeah, Steph. I would probably use the clever as a starting point, then go somewhere silly and lazy. Mike's new-tech idea is good—something like Kindle Thumbbutton, or Nook Looker, or P.D.F. Scrollsalot. Something stupid.

[Dylan Smith]

I had a friend who was sleeping around with a 17 year old and justified it by saying she was only 1 year away from being legal. Sure, if you bring arithmetic into the equation any bitch is old enough to sleep with. "Nah officer I just square rooted her age so we good." Not sure why I made that sound like it was coming from a black person. Black people can't square root.

I laughed pretty good at this as I acted it out in my head. Delivery will be key.

[Ryan Carrier]

Thought up a one-liner at work today. Just not sure how to word it.

"Anyone whose birthday is September 11, 1980 must be the biggest drunk"
or maybe
"..must have had the worst party"
or change it to 9-10-1980 for more subtlety
"..must have had the worst hangover"

You can have it if you can make it better. It's a 9/11 joke after all.

edit: more of a twitter joke anyway #911jokesin2011

[xoxoStephxoxo]

Yeah, Steph. I would probably use the clever as a starting point, then go somewhere silly and lazy. Mike's new-tech idea is good—something like Kindle Thumbbutton, or Nook Looker, or P.D.F. Scrollsalot. Something stupid.

Rita Kindle...

[mighty hubris]

I've always been really mature for my age. As a little kid, I had a strictly self-enforced bedtime, as an early adolescent, my favorite show was Matlock, and now as an emerging adult, my dick only works half the time. I guess I'm an old soul.

I'm really mature for my age. By that, I mean my dick only works half the time.

I'm really mature for my age. By that, I mean I have old man balls.

[Just Brett]

My wife and I are getting new hardwood floor in our living room. It's taking every ounce of restraint NOT spray paint a giant boner on the concrete sub-floor before we put down the the new flooring. It's a passive aggressive way to pull a prank on the next person that owns that house.

I don't have a joke written about it yet, that's just whats going on in my life right now.