Help us with our jokes

[mikemayberry]

Here is what I want to start opening with:

My name is Mike Mayberry and if I get famous someday you'll be able to say "I saw him when he sucked." And I don't say that because I think I suck, I think I am awesome, now. I also thought I was awesome a couple of years ago, then. I now know that I sucked then and I will probably suck now, in a couple of years. In other words, now, I sucked a couple of years ago, even though I was awesome then, and am awesome now, but will suck in a couple of years now, even though I will probably be awesome again then.

[sneezix]

Here is what I want to start opening with:

My name is Mike Mayberry and if I get famous someday you'll be able to say "I saw him when he sucked." And I don't say that because I think I suck, I think I am awesome, now. I also thought I was awesome a couple of years ago, then. I now know that I sucked then and I will probably suck now, in a couple of years. In other words, now, I sucked a couple of years ago, even though I was awesome then, and am awesome now, but will suck in a couple of years now, even though I will probably be awesome again then.

So it's true what they say about hindsight being 20/20?

[mikemayberry]

We shall see sneezix.

[AliasRomanian]

Here is what I want to start opening with:

My name is Mike Mayberry and if I get famous someday you'll be able to say "I saw him when he sucked." And I don't say that because I think I suck, I think I am awesome, now. I also thought I was awesome a couple of years ago, then. I now know that I sucked then and I will probably suck now, in a couple of years. In other words, now, I sucked a couple of years ago, even though I was awesome then, and am awesome now, but will suck in a couple of years now, even though I will probably be awesome again then.

You should end it with " Which means you all suck too. Sorry."

[AliasRomanian]

One of my longest jokes.

Sometimes I think that I may just be really retarded but no one has ever had the heart to tell me. My parents, friends, wife. They are just extremely polite people. Always saying things like "oh you did such a good job organizing your clothes by color today" and " Don't worry about it, shoe laces aren't meant for everyone." It just gets me down you know, but then I see an actual mentally challenged person with cheese whiz all over there dopey face and I feel okay again.

[drbristol]

One of my longest jokes.

Sometimes I think that I may just be really retarded but no one has ever had the heart to tell me. My parents, friends, wife. They are just extremely polite people. Always saying things like "oh you did such a good job organizing your clothes by color today" and " Don't worry about it, shoe laces aren't meant for everyone." It just gets me down you know, but then I see an actual mentally challenged person with cheese whiz all over there dopey face and I feel okay again.

Until Mum points out that I'm staring at the mirror again.

[Just Brett]

I don't know how to finish this one...

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you things I like I masturbate in front of her, I put her outside before I do that..."

[andybeckerman]

I don't know how to finish this one...

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you things I like I masturbate in front of her, I put her outside before I do that..."

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. And she's a reporter for TMZ. That's why I removed her vocal cords."

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Like have a conversation with my cat, who can talk. I'm glad my cat can't see though. Because I like masturbating while we chat."

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. And I'm not talking about masturbation. That's natural, not strange. I am talking about tittyfucking a pile of vomit."

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. [beat] What, why would I tell any of you? My private life is private for a reason. Let me tell you, I do a lot of strange things. [beat] Look, I'm not going...[repeat ad nauseam]"

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. And get your minds out of the gutter; I'm not talking about masturbating. I put her outside when I do that. I am talking about drinking a jar of my own come. I need someone watching me while I do that."

[mikemayberry]

I don't know how to finish this one...

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you things I like I masturbate in front of her, I put her outside before I do that..."

...but I still pretend that she's there, patiently waiting to lap up all of Daddy's wasted seed.

probably not the direction you are looking for, but maybe it will spark something in you.

[Just Brett]

Thanks peeps. Still working on it.

[Hobo Rob]

""I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Like have a conversation with my cat, who can talk. I'm glad my cat can't see though. Because I like masturbating while we chat."

ok, that one made me laugh...way more than i should have.

[drbristol]

"I’m glad my dog can’t talk. She’s seen me do pretty strange things. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you things I like I masturbate in front of her...and until she learns to bark in morse code, she's not going to tell you, either."

[Just Brett]

well i wanna keep the punchline "i put her outside before i do that..." i just don't know how to finish it or how to re-write it.

[drbristol]

well i wanna keep the punchline "i put her outside before i do that..." i just don't know how to finish it or how to re-write it.

if you insist...

"I put her outside before I do that...which is where she and that other dog hook up...which is why I'm masturbating in the first place. I like to call this The Circle of Life."

[Just Brett]

ha, took me a sec to fully grasp it... i might be able to do something with this.

Thank you sir(s)

[nixonjames]

So I'm thinking it's time to relegate this bit til I have a longer set with more time to build trust in the audience. Did a showcase at the Studio last night, was rollin along ok til about the last minute n a half. It goes well unless the audience is immediately uptight. I love the concept but not liking the execution and before I give up on it for being part of a shorter set thought I'd run it past ya'll. Some of you heard it in my vid I put up a couple weeks ago if you watched it.

"I work with this guy who has serious anger issues. Last week I heard him, just, screaming, 'IF ANOTHER PHONE GOES OFF... I"M GONNA START PUNCHING MIDGETS IN THE FACE!!!!'...
That couldn't possibly backfire... Carol from HR comes in to make him stop yelling, right as he slugs the first one, 'JESUS! These aren't midgets... it's take your kid to work day!'
//
I'm teasing my buddy, phone rings are irritating. We actually replaced all of our phones with courier midgets, and a pneumatic tube system.
I'd love to run that department, give orders to little people all day.
'Hey Rodney! Need you to get this over to Accounts.'
'(munchkin voice) Ok sir!' *FOOMP*... 'Weeeeee(trailing off)'
//
Really he just needs some tact. Think it through. These midgets will report you. It's not like they have a 'No snitching' code... and don't hedge your bets by only punching the black ones.
//
I wouldn't even do it at work. Have a plan. Tail a prominent midget til he reveals the location of a midget speakeasy... Then just give the password at the small door, "There's no place like home (munchkin voice)" and roll in there all long torso'd 'n shit"
___________________________
I've played around with lots of ideas but the execution always leaves me in a risky spot where the audience will either buy into it and go with me, or get uncomfortable and it kills the rest of my set *what happened last night*

Part of me thinks I shouldn't care b/c I'll probably not tell this joke in any fashion a year from now. But I'm trying to apply mundane justification to an absurd idea but finding it's not at all connecting with certain audiences. Any thoughts are appreciated. I'm 70/30 convinced I need to scrap it.

[sneezix]

I've never thought of midgets as being funny. Scary, maybe, but not funny.

That being said, I did like the "take your kid to work day" punch, and I'd suggest that you move this to later in the bit, after you've established the fact that you work with midgets.

[KeithTalent]

Midgets!

[Vercetti]

I've been trying to give 'more of myself' when onstage. I've been told I should open up a bit about who I am. But that's odd for me, I didn't have a normal childhood. Everyone's used to their father scolding them but my dad scolded me on the best ways to 'fix' a sheep. "Don't drop the nuts! Otherwise you'll be standing in nuts"

So maybe you understand why I stick to the absurd.

________________
I'm starting to toy with ways to introduce my perspective and couch it in my history. This is true and I was raised on a sheep ranch so life was a lil different. This is the only line I've gotten consistent laughs out of people with. Thoughts?

There's many, many different ways to approach it. What I've found is that you can talk about literally ANYTHING as long as you have a genuine perspective on it.

I was recently working a cycle of jokes that went a little more in the absurd/surreal direction than my previous jokes. After working them for awhile I found that a lot of them didn't work that well because my perspective was different. If I get up and say "I'm a kung fu master" people won't buy it because I'm an overweight Italian guy. But if I change the point of view and make it real and say "I've always wanted to be a kung fu master" it works because I'm talking about a long-time (unfulfilled FOR NOW) fantasy of mine.

I've found the approach that works for me is that my act is like an autobiographical comic strip where literally anything can happen. And the jokes are like little comic strips that I'm acting out on stage. That's just my approach really. But mainly I've just found it's a lot easier when I talk about me and how I see things. If you didn't have a normal childhood, COOL, that's all the more reason to talk about it.

[AliasRomanian]

Not sure if I want to end this joke the way it is right now.

I have an addictive personality which is why I'm afraid to donate money because people are constantly saying how it's the best feeling in the world. And after getting off of heroin I just can't go back to that kind of lifestyle. Heck no, I've sucked enough alley way dicks.