Here is what I want to start opening with:
My name is Mike Mayberry and if I get famous someday you'll be able to say "I saw him when he sucked." And I don't say that because I think I suck, I think I am awesome, now. I also thought I was awesome a couple of years ago, then. I now know that I sucked then and I will probably suck now, in a couple of years. In other words, now, I sucked a couple of years ago, even though I was awesome then, and am awesome now, but will suck in a couple of years now, even though I will probably be awesome again then.