Originally Posted by KevinLee
"Everyone calls my friend 'The Tiger Woods of Miniature Golf'. Which I found confusing, because he's really not very good. I beat him at it all the time. It turns out they call him that because he's been cheating on his wife with a bunch of midgets."
"I'm the Tiger Woods of Minigolf. I fuck midget cocktail waitresses."
I'm like the Tiger Woods Of Minigolf. Tall women have other options.
Formerly an enigmatic Irish woman. Don't ask.
Big thanks to everyone for their help. I tried the approach below on Wednesday night...and it bombed. :-)
So I did this line first...
...and people started giggling, cause I think they knew where it was going. But then I did this...That actress, Brittany Murphy, died a few weeks ago, and everyone's Facebook statuses said, RIP Brittany Murphy. And everytime someone posted "RIP Brittany Murphy", a bunch of people "Liked" the post.
...and confused the hell out of everyone. Just blank faces staring at me.So I commented on one of them, I said, "You people are horrible! Why would you LIKE that she's dead!? Brittany Murphy was a beautiful person! I'd like you all to RIP" ...but that's not what everyone meant when they "Liked" the post.
So they understood the observation, but then I drove the joke into a tree. One comedian thinks the joke is too confusing. Another thought the audience may have thought I was yelling at THEM.
Maybe I just need to be more explain-y with the bit? I dunno. Usually when a joke bombs I just bury it, but I still feel there's something in there.
That was rough. Going from a story about your son being born, to anal sex with hookers, to jerking off on your wife, then back to pregnancy.
I'd remove the rest but keep this one line...
And this really kind of confused me because when I jerk off I like to finish inside.
"Whenever I hear people call it the "fireplace" I laugh... cuz man, you could do a LOT of stuff in there." - jack handey jr.
I'm giving you guys my nyquil-inspired lemons here... what else...
You ever think monsters find the shit they pull to be funny?
Or this classic:
You know how we have one-word ideas for what different living creatures say? Chickens bawk, pigs oink, cats meow... right? That's bullshit, though... we only think that due to our inability to understand the subtle nuances of their communication. I bet aliens think us humans all say the same word, too. I don't really have a joke about this, I just think it's true... so let's just assume they think the human word is fart.
All of the early civilizations thought the sun was a god. Now, we find that laughable because we know it's just an almost unfathomable ball of continuous energetic fire. But you know, the joke will be on us if we ever find out that almost unfathomable balls of continuous energetic fire hate gays.
Have these already been done?
Last edited by suavepebble; January 29, 2010 at 2:27 AM.
No, less explainy.
Brittany Murphy died a few weeks ago, and everyone's Facebook statuses said, RIP Brittany Murphy. And a bunch of people "Liked" the post. That's weird. Imagine that response in real life.
"Did you hear? Daryll died."
*thumbs up*
Also, fuck you suavepebble. You made me laugh twice.
I'll let you sort out which parts I found funny.
What was the best concert you've been to?
"Probably Sade. It was just so sexy and relaxing."
I have no idea how to make a jokey-joke out of this, but I want to. Unless it's been told or said a million times.
Anal Sex = Birth Control for Catholics
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."
What if you pull out of the ass and finish in the vagina?
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."
There is a lot of ejaculation happening in this thread. I'm not sure if I like it.
I'm fairly certain I don't.
many tine tanies
Better this thread than THIS thread, I think.
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."
Birth control...I'd be happy if I could just get my girlfriend to practice mirth control and stop laughing during sex.
I get no respect. No respect.
James, I really have no idea how you can make a joke based on that premise work since the Church doesn't advocate ass-fucking in lieu of baby-making boning.
What was the best concert you've been to?
"Probably Sade. It was just so sexy and relaxing."
Well, if I were writing it for my act it'd go like this (keeping in mind I'm better at "story" jokes than setup/punch format):
After the birth of my son my wife tried to go on the pill, but she never was able to find one that didn't totally screw with her hormones. Then we tried condoms, but I was finding my own orgasms to be less awesome. My wife being Catholic recommended a form of birth control her people have been using for years: Anal.
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."
...or for anyone who can't face their problems.
Phil, I like the idea for the bit, the only problem is that EVERYBODY is doing Facebook and Match.com bits right now, and it's starting to become the "what's the deal with airline food?" joke-du-jour. I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep the bit, because I don't believe in throwing jokes away (just save them for later, you never know when you'll think of a perfect punchline while reading through old material), but you may want to keep that in your pocket for a while until the Facebook jokes slow down, or until you get some more pieces to add to it.
You could maybe do this in the context of what your sex advice will be to your son. Set the audience up to think it's going to be about some abstinence-only garbage but instead it's buttfucking.
Keith - that is fucking brilliant man! Do you mind if I try that next time?
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool."
shaboopie
Last edited by epicurine; February 10, 2010 at 9:44 AM.
I would re-word the first one as follows:
"I did something so bad my grandfather must have been turning over in his casket. I rolled it down a hill."
Although even that's not perfect and I feel like I would still spend more time with it to tweak it a little more. I like it, though!
They're all pretty good. 3, 6, and 7 in particular are very clever, though 3 might be a bit too confusing for the average drunk open-mic patron. That just means you shouldn't be discouraged if nobody laughs... but that goes without saying at open mics. Some are a bit high-concept or take a little while to get, so audiences might have a hard time following you and thus it's really important how concisely you word them.
Last edited by ASR; February 9, 2010 at 9:44 PM.
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