Help us with our jokes

[SpencerRollins]

And, the house isn't full of used cock rings. They're in his room. I worked at a sex shop for a year and yes,, they have cock rings that vibrate, light up, there's even ones that play a song. It's gross. But my brothers this muscle bound meat head looking dude who sits around and works out to New York State of Mind (by Billy Joel), which is also true, and my parents have just accepted that he's an "individual" his cock rings just sit out in the open in his room and I think that alone is fucking funny.

[SpencerRollins]

aenemaTron, i was reading yr blog and that LOST/V joke is fucking funny, it'd be a good little in between bit on stage.

[Just Brett]

My wife's computer got a porn virus, and it sent all sorts of nasty e-mails with really hardcore photos out to everyone in her contact list. Everyone got it; her friends, her parents, our pastor at our church, me... everyone. She was away on business, but once she found out, she called me freaking out crying. After she explained what was going on I said, "don't worry sweetie... I'll take care of it." I didn't waste anytime either, so right after I was done checking my e-mail, I zipped up my pants and I deleted the virus on her computer. I'm a pretty good husband.

[mikemayberry]

Just Brett, shorter please. Maybe like this:

"My wife's email got hacked and porn spam was sent to all of her contacts. When she noticed, she freaked out and asked me for help. Like the good husband I am, I ..."

Here's mine:

"Porn nostalgia: 'no dad, I don't know why the pages of your mens health magazine are stuck together.'"

[Just Brett]

Just Brett, shorter please. Maybe like this:

"My wife's email got hacked and porn spam was sent to all of her contacts. When she noticed, she freaked out and asked me for help. Like the good husband I am, I ..."

Here's mine:

"Porn nostalgia: 'no dad, I don't know why the pages of your mens health magazine are stuck together.'"

thanks for the tip, i'll try shortening it.

I'm a little confused on yours though... were you the one that pasted the pages shut? or you're dad, and he was just blaming you?

[AliasRomanian]

I know this gay native american who used to be named Straight Arrow, after he came out in high school his parents changed it to Irony.

Easiest way to find a narcissist is to look for a father and son with the same first name.

I know this method actor who swears that it's the best way to portray a role. He had to act as a heroin addict once, now he can ONLY act as a heroin addict.

[scamboogah]

#2 is great. Leave as is.

#1 I'm not as crazy about. The tag just tells the original joke again, and doesn't add anything.

#3 - Consider changing the ending to 'He got a job playing a heroin addict. Funeral's this weekend...

[AliasRomanian]

#2 is great. Leave as is.

#1 I'm not as crazy about. The tag just tells the original joke again, and doesn't add anything.

#3 - Consider changing the ending to 'He got a job playing a heroin addict. Funeral's this weekend...

haha thanks man, I like the change in number #3.

[Just Brett]

I know this gay native american who used to be named Straight Arrow, after he came out in high school his parents changed it to Irony.

I think you should keep it as is, but say it like an Indian would. Like "iron-knee" in a low tone.

---

Ok, here's one i've been working on for a couple of weeks...

"Guys, take note on how often you masturbate. They say the more you rub one out it reduces your sperm count. I'm not to worried about it, because we're not in a hurry to have kids.

Even if we did get pregnant, I would be very supportive in my wife's search to find someone to help raise the child with her.

I sometimes get the feeling that she wants children soon, but for right now she is on the pill. Sometimes she forgets to take it. I think she's trying to sabotage my sperm.

All 4 of 'em."

[AliasRomanian]

This one has never gotten a laugh, but I like it a lot:

My little sister is a vegetarian because she doesn't believe in killing animals. You don't have KILL the animal, just cut off a leg or a wing then set it free. It's quite a loop hole.

[SpencerRollins]

So the lead singer of Devo recently revealed that he, Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson smoked PCP at Studio 54. And I think that's where Michael's career started going down hill. It started out innocent enough Michael was like "Andy, Mark I wanna do a music video, where Vincent Price narrates and it's like a short film where zombies come out of the ground and start dancing then at the end I turn in to a werewolf with red eyes. And Andy thought it was a piece of shit and sarcastically said "Oh Michael that's brilliant, you know what else you should do?" And Michael was like "What Andy?" "You should start fucking little kids and turn your mansion in Santa Barbara in to an amusement park then you should have a plastic surgeon destroy your face to the point where you don't even look human anymore and then you should turn yourself white." And Michael just wasn't very good at reading sarcasm.

trying this out tomorrow.

[KeithTalent]

I like the first version of Alias' heroin joke better. I'd change "act as" to "play" at the end but yeah.

[suavepebble]

So the lead singer of Devo recently revealed that he, Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson smoked PCP at Studio 54. And I think that's where Michael's career started going down hill. It started out innocent enough Michael was like "Andy, Mark I wanna do a music video, where Vincent Price narrates and it's like a short film where zombies come out of the ground and start dancing then at the end I turn in to a werewolf with red eyes. And Andy thought it was a piece of shit and sarcastically said "Oh Michael that's brilliant, you know what else you should do?" And Michael was like "What Andy?" "You should start fucking little kids and turn your mansion in Santa Barbara in to an amusement park then you should have a plastic surgeon destroy your face to the point where you don't even look human anymore and then you should turn yourself white." And Michael just wasn't very good at reading sarcasm.

trying this out tomorrow.

Let me read your future: Fucked.

[Harry B]

So the lead singer of Devo recently revealed that he, Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson smoked PCP at Studio 54. And I think that's where Michael's career started going down hill. It started out innocent enough Michael was like "Andy, Mark I wanna do a music video, where Vincent Price narrates and it's like a short film where zombies come out of the ground and start dancing then at the end I turn in to a werewolf with red eyes. And Andy thought it was a piece of shit and sarcastically said "Oh Michael that's brilliant, you know what else you should do?" And Michael was like "What Andy?" "You should start fucking little kids and turn your mansion in Santa Barbara in to an amusement park then you should have a plastic surgeon destroy your face to the point where you don't even look human anymore and then you should turn yourself white." And Michael just wasn't very good at reading sarcasm.

trying this out tomorrow.

Let us know how it goes.

[Just Brett]

I have a character-joke. You know the type, like "Here is a new character i'm working on..." type joke.

Has this type of joke become saturated? I've been seeing it performed a lot, and I've got one that I wanna use. I'm just concerned this type of joke is getting kind of old/hackish, even though I think my character is funny...

[ErikNielsen]

Nah... the notion of doing a character as a joke is an enduring subset of comedy. Now, it's possible the specific character you're doing is too similar to stuff you've seen recently... but the whole thing is too large to write off entirely.

[Just Brett]

Cool, Thanks Erik

[SpencerRollins]

Harry, actually it went really well. People thought it was funny. Suavepebble, yr about as helpful as a baby with a cold is to a person with full blown AIDS, get fucked. Yesterday I performed at a backyard BBQ to about 50 people, some I knew, some i didn't. But they kept quiet and laughed and were disgusted when they were supposed to be. It was the first time I had ever performed in front of anyone and i did okay, I didn't kill but I don't really think anyone does their first time performing.

[kingsley-z]

Here's a short one that's semi written out.

I came to a realization the other night about just how much our "how to bang a lady" cavemen instincts are still around and affecting us guys.

It was while I was at the bar after watching a guy half carry a stumbling drunk as a skunk frat girl down the street; The Long Island Iced Tea is like the ancient wooden club.

(I feel like a good one liner/tag line here would be good but I haven't thought of a good enough one yet: "Four shots and she's out" or something like that)

[scamboogah]

they kept quiet and laughed and were disgusted when they were supposed to be.

An interesting definition of 'successful'...

Sounds like a great BBQ. "Everybody shut up! My kids going to tell some Michael Jackson kid-fucking jokes!"