Help us with our jokes

[ASR]

I just remembered there's a video of it (my set's on the site, too). Here it is:
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/college...onalRivalMatch (the sneezing joke starts at 1:23 but I recommend watching the whole thing, he's great)

Trevor Smith can be seen at multiple comedy venues in the state of Michigan!

[Just Brett]

crap, i thought the premise was alll mine.... .

Yeah, his is pretty damn funny though.

I'm gonna do mine next time, see how it works...

[James Smann]

So which are funnier spousal abuse or 'retard' jokes.

The answer is neither.

You're all:

I'm all:

[JManderville]

-I almost died the other day. I was chosen to be part of this pilot for a new series on Animal Planet titled: "The Poison Dart Frog Whisperer"....and things got out of hand... and into mouths-

or

-I would watch a show called: "The Roadkill Whisperer"
Although, it would probably have to be called: "The Roadkill Screamer".-

[SoSure]

EDIT: Felt weird having these sit here with no response, so I took them down. I know there's no way to know if they work but to try them.

[Just Brett]

So I'll be in Chicago in August for a few days. What clubs (comedy) should I check out?

[lorianddori]

I've been getting a lot of flack lately for letting my pet squirrel water ski across the world solo. A lot of people don't feel that a squirrel that young can handle something like that but they don't know dick about nuts or acorns.

it's supposed to be a topical joke but not sure if it's technically a joke

[AliasRomanian]

Just gonna drop these little guys in here :

If I have a def kid I'm gonna teach him how to read lips by watching foreign films with subtitles. Then, he'll understand every language.

I was an eyewitness to a bank robbery and had to give the sketch artist a description of the thief's face, he ended up looking a lot like my next door neighbor who stays up until 3 am blaring 70's disco music. Lifes full of coincidences.

My favorite pair of Nikes have a hole in them so I looked for a shoe repair shop near my house, the best reviewed place I could find was an Chinese daycare center.

I walked into a convenience store not wearing any shoes or a shirt. The clerk said sorry no service. So to prove him wrong I pulled out my cell and was like fuck, I have AT&T, you'r right.

I'm extremely green, especially when compared to my wife and noise pollution.

[SlyBattery]

I like that bank robbery one!

But I in no way endorse bank robbery. Just to be clear.

[SpencerRollins]

here's a few i just wrote:

I'm terrified of earthquakes
and i went to a therapist and she told me to find something I'm more afraid of
so I've been staying in my apartment with the blank pulled over my head waiting for someone to abduct me and take me to an island to be hunted as the most dangerous game

I have a sick sense of humor and anyone else who does has a hard time finding a mate who does as well
and a great way to weed people out is to use this pick up line
you walk up to a pretty girl in a bar with two beers in yr hand
and you just flat out ask her if she thinks yr attractive
and if she says yes you hand her a beer and say good, at least if you get the one with the roofie in it you won't feel too bad in the morning
but if she says no you just say that you wasted a pill and proceed to drink both beers

my brother lives at my parents house still
and he's really in to using cock rings
and just leaves them laying all over his room
so one day our 6 year old niece came over
and put one on her wrist
thinking it was a bracelet
and she walked up to her mom with the cock ring on her wrist vibrating with all the LED lights going "it lights up and vibrates..... but why is it so sticky?"

[scamboogah]

I'm way behind on cockring technology...

[AliasRomanian]

I'm way behind on cockring technology...

hehehehe, that's what she said .

[SpencerRollins]

that's yr only fucking critique.

[aenemaTron]

They're hard to understand and the punchline of the third one doesn't really add anything to it.

[SpencerRollins]

what's hard to understand?

[aenemaTron]

The spelling, syntax, and lack of capitals throws one off. Also, your use of carriage returns at seemingly random
places.

[SpencerRollins]

I'm terrified of earthquakes, and i went to a therapist and she told me to find something I'm more afraid of.
So I've been staying in my apartment with the blanket pulled over my head waiting for someone to abduct me and take me to an island to be hunted as the most dangerous game.

I have a sick sense of humor, and anyone else who does has a hard time finding a mate who does as well.
But a great way to weed people out is to use this pick up line: you walk up to a pretty girl in a bar with two beers in yr hand and you just flat out ask her if she thinks yr attractive and if she says yes you hand her a beer and say good, at least if you get the one with the roofie in it you won't feel too bad in the morning. But on the off chance that she says no you just say that you wasted a pill and proceed to drink both beers

My brother lives at my parents house still, and he's really in to using cock rings
and just leaves them laying all over his room. So one day our 6 year old niece came over and put one on her wrist, thinking it was a bracelet. So she ran up to her mom all excited with the cock ring on her wrist vibrating with all the LED lights going "it lights up and vibrates..... but why is it so sticky?"

Does it make more sense now?

[scamboogah]

#1 - Faulty premise. I don't believe that a therapist would say that.

#2 - Too much worthless material after the funny part of the joke. It should end with 'Good, then you won't feel that bad when you wake up from the roofies'

#3 - You've set up a gross scenario, and then the punchline is that something gross happens to a child. If anyone buys into your parents being okay living in house full of used cock-rings, the notion that one of them is sticky is redundant. Also, as previously indicated, I am unaware of cock-rings being known for having flashing lights.

Now that's my only fucking critique. You're welcome.

[SpencerRollins]

Also the carriage returns were just beats. Any critique of the jokes other than my grammar?

[SpencerRollins]

The cock ring thing, whether you believe it or not, actually did happen.
Thank you for the critique, i really do appreciate it.