Help us with our jokes

[Titanium Man]

I've figured out a fool proof get rich quick plan.

If you guys want to write a hit pop song, you need to pinpoint what it is you want in life, and you need to repeat it a bunch of times.

I mean, "Money, money, money, mon-ey, mooooooneeeey." That person is obviously after money.

"Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh. Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh!" In that song, Justin Beiber is after a girlfriend. And, really, who can blame her?

I usually just want free drinks, but that song's already been written: "Shots! Shots! ShotsShotsShots Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! EVERYBODY!"

This one makes me smile.

[Just Brett]

Sooo I was going through my mom's panty drawer today...borrrrrrrrrrrriiiiing

[Hawking Paradox]

Because comedy is all about fooling your stupid, stupid audience. If you can find a way to tell the same joke for the rest of your life and get away with it, you win!



Perfect. Cannot be improved.

Then after the laugh."..usually under a tiny wind mill...."

[Hawking Paradox]

You could make a joke about Mean Joe Greene's Coke or Refrigerator Perry's BBQ sauce.

Or Bronco Nagurski's schlong......or Ty Cobb's cob.....helloo 2010

[Hawking Paradox]

This one makes me smile.

and my song "masturbate, masturbate, mastur.....BATE!!"

[aenemaTron]

People might not remember those posts from five months ago.

[Just Brett]

I was blessed with very cool parents. But like most parents, they both have their individual faults. Like the other day, I was going through my mom's panty drawer....booorrrrinng.

And my dad. Oh my dad. Really cool guy, but he has to work on his image. For instance, I was watching him take a shower the other day and the dude needs to get a tan!

The name of that joke is titled "too far"

[SlyBattery]

Ok, we get it! Go try them on stage already!

[pcmess]

I love the History Channel because they always refer to geological time, where one year is about the same as 20,000 years. By that math, I've slept with as many women as Wilt Chamberlain. You didn't know I was a playa! It also proves my theory that all women are whores.

[Couldn'tThinkOfaName]

The first and last joke I ever wrote:

I've been noticing lately that my grooming materials claim to do exactly what they are, my moisturizer claims to be 'moisturizing' and my shampoo actually says that it's 'shampooing' on the bottle, what ever that means. I guess that explains why they've become so racist since I've started using conditioner.

[WhoNoU]

I realize this is topical and has a small window of time it is relevant anyways here goes:


I'm glad to see Rampage Jackson, Randy Couture, and Chris Brown starring in movies this summer. It's nice to know Hollywood isn't afraid to have actors in action movies who aren't afraid to throw a punch of two.

[iambobbymac]

if i can gather the balls im going to do my first open mic tomorrow evening (06/16). i have some material that i know i want to use, & heres what ive written in the past 48 hours - help me decide which ones are shit and that i should definitely throw out.
obviously these were written on twitter, so feel free to elaborate them beyond the 140 characters. thank you.


was always offended that they never called Mrs. Pac-Man by her name. then i found out her real name is I Hate Mexicans & it made more sense.
about 3 hours ago via web
Delete

how high on his own supply was the guy who invented Jagermeister when he spelled it with a J?
about 3 hours ago via web

sometimes i wonder what direction Snoops career would have went if he had taken on the name Snoop Bunny Bunn.
about 3 hours ago via web

I like greeting bay-bays by telling them that it's nothing but a g thang. then i smooch them on the forehead.
about 11 hours ago via web

Nice job #Starbucks. Too bad at this point I could get free wi-fi from my dog if I really needed to.
about 13 hours ago via web

oh great, just woke up from another erotic dream before i had a chance to re-bury the body.
about 14 hours ago via web

i wonder if theres a softball team in Toronto called the Blue Vajayjays?
Mon Jun 14 2010 21:47:09 (EDT) via web

Realized today I kind of outgrew my gym, so I started lifting people while they were lifting weights.
Mon Jun 14 2010 19:29:47 (EDT) via Echofon

if i were a pedophile, id refer to myself as a halosexual because id only have sex with precious little angels.
Mon Jun 14 2010 17:06:31 (EDT) via web

i dont think thats a car alarm going off, i just think that attention whore of a honda is tooting its own horn again.
Mon Jun 14 2010 16:54:25 (EDT) via web

i sometimes wonder what life as a gay crow would be like.
Mon Jun 14 2010 16:21:31 (EDT) via web

if i owned a bar we would have a daily unhappy hour where shots of salt would be served on the cheap.
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:59:51 (EDT) via web

trying to bring back the phrase "more power to you" but so far its only caught on with my electric provider.
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:35:44 (EDT) via web

remember back in the day? you know - in the old school when it wasn't completely gay to say things like "old school" and "back in the day"
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:35:16 (EDT) via web

to pay for damage to the gulf, obama wants bp to set up an escrow account when what we really need is an usscrewed account
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:34:31 (EDT) via web

movie idea: a film about the fathers of an underrated indiana high school championship basketball team. we'll call it Who's Your Daddy?
Mon Jun 14 2010 12:05:31 (EDT) via web

i was going to go to medical school after college, but TLC taught me a rule a long time ago that i'll always follow - no scrubs
Mon Jun 14 2010 12:00:52 (EDT) via web

do you think the reason why NASCAR never caught on in trading cards is because most of their fans are against people pulling the race card?
Mon Jun 14 2010 10:45:55 (EDT) via web

when people say things to me like "shit just got real", i think - what did you just shart or something?
9:20 AM Jun 14th via web

bachelor padding my apartment not with beer posters & flat screens, but with dirty socks on the floor & the smell of my body everywhere.
11:47 PM Jun 13th via web

i like to think of fog as underachieving clouds.
9:42 PM Jun 13th via web

Question of the night: When you drive a Hummer, is the "I heart USA" bumpersticker even necessary?

thanks guys.

[scamboogah]

You should tape your set and post it.

[iambobbymac]

You should tape your set and post it.

i may, but i dont have a camera with a tri-pod.
& i dont plan on telling any of my friends, with hands, that im doing it.


at worst, ill record the audio with my phone.
how about that?

[SlyBattery]

I'd listen to it.

[Home School Eddy]

okay, iambobbymac, you wanted an opinion. Here's mine. In front of each joke i put either 'yes' or 'no'

Remember, funny is subjective. This is only my opinion:




No-was always offended that they never called Mrs. Pac-Man by her name. then i found out her real name is I Hate Mexicans & it made more sense.
about 3 hours ago via web
Delete

No-how high on his own supply was the guy who invented Jagermeister when he spelled it with a J?
about 3 hours ago via web

No-sometimes i wonder what direction Snoops career would have went if he had taken on the name Snoop Bunny Bunn.
about 3 hours ago via web

*YESI like greeting bay-bays by telling them that it's nothing but a g thang. then i smooch them on the forehead.
about 11 hours ago via web

No-Nice job #Starbucks. Too bad at this point I could get free wi-fi from my dog if I really needed to.
about 13 hours ago via web

*Yes-oh great, just woke up from another erotic(wet) dream before i had a chance to re-bury the body.
about 14 hours ago via web

No-i wonder if theres a softball team in Toronto called the Blue Vajayjays?
Mon Jun 14 2010 21:47:09 (EDT) via web

*YesRealized today I kind of outgrew my gym, so I started lifting people while they were lifting weights.
Mon Jun 14 2010 19:29:47 (EDT) via Echofon

*Yes-if i were a pedophile, id refer to myself as a halosexual because id only have sex with precious little angels.
Mon Jun 14 2010 17:06:31 (EDT) via web

No-i dont think thats a car alarm going off, i just think that attention whore of a honda is tooting its own horn again.
Mon Jun 14 2010 16:54:25 (EDT) via web

No-i sometimes wonder what life as a gay crow would be like.
Mon Jun 14 2010 16:21:31 (EDT) via web

No-if i owned a bar we would have a daily unhappy hour where shots of salt would be served on the cheap.
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:59:51 (EDT) via web

Np-trying to bring back the phrase "more power to you" but so far its only caught on with my electric provider.
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:35:44 (EDT) via web

No-remember back in the day? you know - in the old school when it wasn't completely gay to say things like "old school" and "back in the day"
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:35:16 (EDT) via web

No-to pay for damage to the gulf, obama wants bp to set up an escrow account when what we really need is an usscrewed account
Mon Jun 14 2010 15:34:31 (EDT) via web

No-movie idea: a film about the fathers of an underrated indiana high school championship basketball team. we'll call it Who's Your Daddy?
Mon Jun 14 2010 12:05:31 (EDT) via web

No-i was going to go to medical school after college, but TLC taught me a rule a long time ago that i'll always follow - no scrubs
Mon Jun 14 2010 12:00:52 (EDT) via web

No-do you think the reason why NASCAR never caught on in trading cards is because most of their fans are against people pulling the race card?
Mon Jun 14 2010 10:45:55 (EDT) via web

No-when people say things to me like "shit just got real", i think - what did you just shart or something?
9:20 AM Jun 14th via web

*Yes-bachelor padding my apartment not with beer posters & flat screens, but with dirty socks on the floor & the smell of my body everywhere.
11:47 PM Jun 13th via web

*Yes-i like to think of fog as underachieving clouds.
9:42 PM Jun 13th via web

*Yes-Question of the night: When you drive a Hummer, is the "I heart USA" bumpersticker even necessary?

[Home School Eddy]

I was blessed with very cool parents. But like most parents, they both have their individual faults. Like the other day, I was going through my mom's panty drawer....booorrrrinng.

And my dad. Oh my dad. Really cool guy, but he has to work on his image. For instance, I was watching him take a shower the other day and the dude needs to get a tan!

The name of that joke is titled "too far"

on the 1st one just say: The other day I was going through my mom's....
I don't think threre's a need for the longer set-up

Same with the 2nd too. I think it's unnecessary words. Just punch the crowd in the face with your pervy joke! I like it

[Just Brett]

Thanks eddy... I just realized that those two statements are false and untrue and I can't use them. My mom has a fantastic panty collection, and my dad has a great tan.

Now I have another joke i'm working on...

So i'm wanting to tell a joke that starts out by me saying "Alright folks, I promised myself that I wouldn't be telling any facebook jokes tonight, so for this next joke I will be substituting the word "facebook" with another word, so here it goes"...and then I proceed with the joke as follows...

"I was poking my dead grandmother on _________ the other day, because ______ is the only place where I can get away with poking dead people".

But I don't know what word to use instead of "Facebook" for that sentence.

That joke may have already been done, but I still think it would be funny to the crowd if I prefaced the joke with me stating that I wasn't gonna tell any facebook jokes.

[SlyBattery]

you could call it "the face"

[iambobbymac]

Open mic experiences

here is what i did with those jokes, if youd like to listen.
thanks.