Help us with our jokes

[Just Brett]

Are these joke salvageable/usable?

"I have ADD. So if at any point during tonights set I tear off my clothes and run into the streets but ass naked, it's totally normal. It's just my ADD acting up."

and

"I think I'm going bald. I've got all the symptoms... dizziness, dementia, memory loss, anal leakage, dry mouth..."

Works in progress. I'm trying to tell the audience that self diagnosing is never a good idea.

[JManderville]

- I think I just throw up in my mouth a little, every time I hear someone say "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little" for the 5000th time since that movie trailer for Dodgeball came out 6 years ago.-

or

- I think I just throw up in my mouth a little, every time I hear someone make a complaint about every time THEY hear someone else say "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little" for the 5000th time since that movie trailer for Dodgeball came out 6 years ago.-

[scamboogah]

Neither, because I think Brian Posehn did a funnier version of it 2 years ago as a tweet.

[Krudler]

Neither, because I think Brian Posehn did a funnier version of it 2 years ago as a tweet.

Really? Come on, dude.

[JManderville]

Noted.

[Urine]

Wow. Your awesome memory is a real bummer.

[JManderville]

Damn.
We should just change the name of this thread to
"Tell if us our jokes are hack/stolen"
Apologies to Posehn.
Now I just feel like an idiot.

[JManderville]

Just since my last one was unusable, might as well post the other one I have to check for any shared thoughts.

- When I got off of the freeway today on my way to work I saw an empty box for a pregnancy test discarded on the offramp of my exit while waiting for the light to change. I've heard of people pissing in pop bottles on long road trips but couldn't you wait until you got home to check if you were with child? Not like the results are going to change much within in a matter of miles. Well, not unless you have a discarded empty box of RU-486 in your backseat that I did not see -

[Krudler]

Just since my last one was unusable, might as well post the other one I have to check for any shared thoughts.

- When I got off of the freeway today on my way to work I saw an empty box for a pregnancy test discarded on the offramp of my exit while waiting for the light to change. I've heard of people pissing in pop bottles on long road trips but couldn't you wait until you got home to check if you were with child? Not like the results are going to change much within in a matter of miles. Well, not unless you have a discarded empty box of RU-486 in your backseat that I did not see -

Seriously? Come on, man.

[Just Brett]

Neither, because I think Brian Posehn did a funnier version of it 2 years ago as a tweet.

whew, i thought you were talking about my post...

[Titanium Man]

Are these joke salvageable/usable?

"I have ADD. So if at any point during tonights set I tear off my clothes and run into the streets but ass naked, it's totally normal. It's just my ADD acting up."

and

"I think I'm going bald. I've got all the symptoms... dizziness, dementia, memory loss, anal leakage, dry mouth..."

Works in progress. I'm trying to tell the audience that self diagnosing is never a good idea.

The first one just sits there to me. Maybe it could use that "self-diagonsis" context to help it along, but I think it could be a bit wackier. I like the second one, though. Maybe shorten it a bit?

[Big Gay Baby]

please let me know if these jokes are terrible, or stolen:

- my father used to make us call him the Captain.. he never had a boat but he did beat us with champagne bottles.

- i bought a bottle of no-tears shampoo but that shit doesn't work.. i need some memory-erasing shampoo

[Titanium Man]

- i bought a bottle of no-tears shampoo but that shit doesn't work.. i need some memory-erasing shampoo

Okay, I dunno if this is stolen or not, but damn it, that's funny.

[Monty]

- my father used to make us call him the Captain.. he never had a boat but he did ...

... celebrate the birth of each new baby by breaking a champagne bottle over its head.

[Big Gay Baby]

thanks for the feedback guys

... celebrate the birth of each new baby by breaking a champagne bottle over its head.

i dunno shouldn't champagne bottle be the last word(s)?

[Monty]

i dunno shouldn't champagne bottle be the last word(s)?

I guess you could go with "smashing in the kid's face with a champagne bottle," but that feels more harsh than funny to me. While I'm a fan of putting the funny part last, I don't think that should get in the way of the flow of the joke.

But it's not like I've said either version in front of a crowd, so who knows if any of it's going to work?

[Just Brett]

This joke should go over well... next open mic i'll be at is in Arkansas.

I married the love of my life. We have so much in common I often think that we were separated at birth. Then again, I really hope that's not true. Incest is sooo 90's.

[Cerak]

I've figured out a fool proof get rich quick plan.

If you guys want to write a hit pop song, you need to pinpoint what it is you want in life, and you need to repeat it a bunch of times.

I mean, "Money, money, money, mon-ey, mooooooneeeey." That person is obviously after money.

"Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh. Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh!" In that song, Justin Beiber is after a girlfriend. And, really, who can blame her?

I usually just want free drinks, but that song's already been written: "Shots! Shots! ShotsShotsShots Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! EVERYBODY!"

[JayP7]

Has anybody heard something like this?

"Howcome when they charge somebody for murder when they dump a body in the woods; they don't ever get charged with littering too?"

[Just Brett]

Has anybody heard something like this?

"Howcome when they charge somebody for murder when they dump a body in the woods; they don't ever get charged with littering too?"

That is gold.