Help us with our jokes

[spoonflipper]

Addendum to car window Garfields:
We're never advised as to whether or not babies are on board anymore. I like to made aware of baby/boarding status when I'm driving. If there's a baby on board, I'm going to watch my language and follow the rules of traffic safety. If there's not a baby on board, I'm going to be driving like a bad out of fuckin' hell. I've been driving like there are no babies on board but maybe it's just a breakdown in the baby-on-board infrastructure. I can't believe I haven't killed some kids yet.

It's very possible this bit was done by somebody back in the baby-on-board days.

[scamboogah]

And it's very possible that I booed it then as well.

The saying is 'Bat out of hell' by the way.

[spoonflipper]

And it's very possible that I booed it then as well.

The saying is 'Bat out of hell' by the way.

Correct. That was a typo.

You know, if I heard that I would boo it too. Well, inwardly anyway.

[chrisrozwod]

It's very possible this bit was done by somebody back in the baby-on-board days.

I don't recall anything about baby-on-board stuff, but it does remind me of a Brian Regan bit. It's not the same, but the idea is quite similar, I think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NexfunsyogA
the bit starts around 2:30 or so.

[SlyBattery]

Babyyy on Boooooard
How I've adooooored
That sign on my cars windowpaaaaaane

[suavepebble]

Baby on board jokes officially died forever when Carrot Top took it to the ultimate level. You know what he did? He yelled "Baby on board!" and then presented a fake baby attached to a wooden board.

Or was that Amazing Jonathan?

[trevismellon]

Give me your thoughts on this joke, im not sure how to end it...:
"I've decided that when i die, i'm going to be cremated, then have my ashes put into a childs pinata."

[scamboogah]

... I figure from the clothes I wear to the food I eat, I've exploited Mexican child labor my whole life. No sense in suddenly buying American to spread my remains around...

Cash or credit?

[JManderville]

- I've decided that when I die, I'm going to be cremated, then have my ashes put into a childs pinata. Because I LOVE the idea of everyone at my wake lining up in order of youngest to oldest, taking turns while blindfolded, and beating me with a broom handle, until, eventually, Grandma Bernice busts open that paper donkey, for ALL to enjoy as they dive into a dogpile, competing for the biggest handful of my dusty remains, ...to shove into their greedy mouths. -

[beastlybritt]

okay...how about this. I'm a rather large female girl.

- I hated gym class. With a passion. I mean, not only do I hate it, but I suck at it. One of my friends, she was walking faster than my flat out running ---and she was wearing a cast.

What's worse about being a fatty and PE is that there is no other time where I was more aware that I am indeed a member of the fat society. One time we had to run around the outdoor track, and it was hot as hell outside; the sun is beaming. Of course, I was the last one on the track, and not only was I the last person on the track, but no one could go back inside until everyone had finished. So the entire class is staring at me, and I've got 2 more laps to do. Eventually, the coach takes some pity on me and tells me I'm done for the day. And then he tried to make me feel better, and he goes, "Brittany, you know, you do wear a lot of dark clothes."

I've always hated it when people try to make me "feel better" about my size, like I'm ashamed of it or something. I weighed 10 pounds when I was born, and I was born a month premature. C'mon, yeah, kids were gearing up from me before I even left the womb. But the coach, he said this like it was some big revelation. Like, "Oh, That's why I'm so fucking huge." I just wanted to tell him "I'm not slow because I like dark t-shirts. I'm slow 'cause I'm a fucking fat ass. Get over it."

Is that too self-deprecating?

[scamboogah]

I think he was trying to say that dark clothes were contributing to you being hot.

I wasn't really able to spot jokes in there. Am I missing them?

[JManderville]

- So I started to catch on that there was something different about me when my junior high school PE coach was letting me start the mile run 10 minutes before everyone else. His heart really was in the right place initially, but it wasn't until I was still crossing the finish line 15 minutes after everyone that he just started calling me by a different name and making me wear a camouflage outfit with a ski mask. So yeah, I run a slow mile, but I can hide really good...or maybe take hostages at a food bank -

[beastlybritt]

I think he was trying to say that dark clothes were contributing to you being hot.

I wasn't really able to spot jokes in there. Am I missing them?

No, I think it's just not funny. When I've said this out loud to myself, I always thought it was funny, but seeing it in print, it just seems like one big ol' rant about my weight that's been building in me since I was 5.

So I think typing it out here and you saying that helped. Thanks.

[scamboogah]

It was never my intention to help, but you're welcome.

[trevismellon]

So heres one i've been trying to get right, but am not sure how to fix it:
"I'm addicted to oxegen... I tried to quit once, the doctor said it was "attempted suicide".

[scamboogah]

I'm completely addicted to oxygen. I tried to quit once, but turns out that's just called 'being a bad swimmer'. Plus they say quitting oxygen is a gateway to huffing.

[RubelT]

I'm addicted to Oxygen, I tried to quit once but then I realized how much I need Bad Girls Club to understand women.

[trevismellon]

I'm addicted to Oxygen, I tried to quit once but then I realized how much I need Bad Girls Club to understand women.

I think that's the winner...

[trevismellon]

I've got another one, I think the idea is good, but i have no structure for it:
Magic Johnsons "Magic Johnson"
there's either a good penis joke, or a good aids joke in their, i just can't figure out how to word it...

[scamboogah]

I've got another one, I think the idea is good, but i have no structure for it:
Magic Johnsons "Magic Johnson"
there's either a good penis joke, or a good aids joke in their, i just can't figure out how to word it...

or how to go back in time far enough to make it relevant or funny.

You think the idea is good? Really? So you're pretty sure that no one ever thought of making a dick joke about someone named Magic Johnson before?