CDR SUMMER JAM!

[Scott Aukerman]

SUMMER JAM!
Tickets go on sale at noon!

As seen in Rolling Stone magazine!

"HILARIOUS" - Spin Magazine

"INTIMATE"
"There's a certain anticipation and excitement in the air...as if Sonic Youth were playing an unannounced secret show at a small club." - Esquire

"The world's best comedy night!" - The Sound of Young America

"Billed as the world's greatest comedy night with some justification." - The Onion

"The success of Death-Ray put it on L.A.'s comedy club map." -LA Times

"BEST IN LA"
"Consistently outstanding. The best comics working today." -LA Weekly

"If you do Comedy Death Ray , you'll see that those people are comedy fans... It's great that there are people that value comedy as an art form." - Jim Gaffigan

"COMEDY NIGHT PICK"
"Throngs flock to the hot spot, so reservations are encouraged." -Los Angeles Magazine

"The best comedy night in Los Angeles... the lineups are fantastic every week." -Comedy Central Spotlight

"Highest bang-to-buck comedy ratio" - Metromix

"Insanely Awesome" - LAist

"Will have you either soiling your drawers with laughter or from the intimidation of being in such a small space with such big names (or both)" - Defamer

"Comics come here to kill and they rarely go away without bloody hands." - LA Alternative Press

[jcarlon]

I like Jam and Summer, I once jammed with Donna Summer, and also, when I was a teenager, I jammed a girl named Summer. Will I like this?

I've got two tickets to find out with.

[Hated Milk Machine]

Is this different than a normal CDR? I'm not even in LA, I'm just curious.

[Liezl]

I would like to know as well, but I'm a sucker for mystery, so I'll be there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this different than a normal CDR? I'm not even in LA, I'm just curious.

I'm not sure what you mean... it's SUMMER JAM!!!

[Tim.Shell]

I'm not sure what you mean... it's SUMMER JAM!!!

You mean if I wanted to get up and participate with the booked comics, toss in a few witty japes of my own, or maybe a rib-tickling song or two, that I'd be able to do that? Because that would be very nice. For me, anyway. I don't know about the audience.

[st.raw]

clearly it's a canning show

[Scott Aukerman]

STOP TRYING TO DEFINE SUMMER JAM, BRO

[DJ Sam]

I'm confused and upset that tickets are already sold out.

If you have 1 extra or 2, PM me plz.

[andrearunge]

Is Jimmy going?

[dougbenson]

there will be an I LOVE MOVIES taping prior to the jam. two great guests have been booked.

(two great guests might cancel)

[bruckner]

Any word on what this show is to consist of (besides the use of pectin)?

[WeardBeird]

Any word on what this show is to consist of (besides the use of pectin)?

If the song "Summer Jam" is any indication:

This ain't nothing but a summer jam
Brown skin and cinnamon tans woah
This ain't nothing but a summer jam
We're gonna party as much as we can

Tonight hotties wearing Prada skirts
Real tight temperature is rising
Feelin' real hot in the heat of the night
Midnight the party won't stop
until the moonlight
I'm skopin' out the hotties with the light eyes
Be with me tonight

Can't get you out of my mind
I can't lie
Cause a girl like you is so hard to find
I'm waiting for the day to make you mine
Cause I can't take it

This ain't nothing but a summer jam
Brown skin and cinnamon tans, whoa
This ain't nothing but a summer jam
We're gonna party as much as we can

Moonlight cruisin' down the boulevard
Strobe lights watching you your body's tight
Alright looking kinda freaky to me
Can't get you out of my mind
I can't lie
Cause a girl like you is so hard to find
I'm waiting for the day to make you mine
Cause I can't take it

This ain't nothing but a summer jam
Brown skin and cinnamon tans, whoa
This ain't nothing but a summer jam
We're gonna party as much as we can

[gloshi]

SUMMER JAM!!!!

[FrankHowley]

SUMMER JAM!!!!!!!

[jcarlon]

I'M READY TO JAM!!

Got my accordion packed and ready to go.

[jcarlon]

Holy geez louise what a show!

Pardo hosted, and consistently killed, both figuratively and literally, after a guy at the end asked if he was Don Pardo's son.

Then, in order (I think), we got:

Matt Besser as Jason Yellow
Doug Benson showing another clip from his new show
Andy Dick
Nick Kroll as Bobby Bottleservice
Margaret Cho
Patton Oswalt

Thanks for putting an awesome show together Mr. Aukerman, and to all the performers. I was thinking of someone to repay you and...well...Oooh I wanna take you down to kokomo. We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow. That's where we wanna go, way down to kokomo.

[FrankHowley]

Awesome show. Patton was such a great surprise.

[Meen Bellpeppers]

Hey, I guess I missed seeing most of you guys, but here's my recap:

After a quick pasta dinner and a failed attempt at a power-nap, my wife and I left for the M Bar at around 9:30 on Friday night. She went with comfy sweatpants and a fleece, I opted to "dress up" in a corduroy blazer and cargo pants (also comfy), and we brought supplies in a bag: two small pillows, some bottles of water in case the bar closed and a couple of notebooks and pens. The doors weren't open yet when we arrived, and a small crowd had gathered outside -- I saw some PJs, some eager faces and a phalanx of M Bar staff working out the last-minute details. Gift bags were arranged on a table, and when they started letting people in, Kulap handed out the goodies -- mine contained a copy of Patton's "222," Michael Penn's "MP4," a squirt gun and a Reese's Fast Break bar. (Others got Todd Glass CDs, Neil Hamburger DVDs and Twix.)

With admission, everyone got five drink tickets, and hors d'oeuvres (pizza slices, mozzarella sticks) were passed around. Unlike most nights, when chairs are arranged around tables, on Friday the chairs were lined up in rows, with a small table every four chairs or so -- more like the Laugh Factory. The place filled up pretty quickly and the comics gathered at the back corner booths to plan their sets and await their slots. Doug Benson sat with Chris Hardwick and Mike Phirman, Jarrett Grode sat with Bob Odenkirk, Brendon Small and Andy Kindler chatted with fans, BJ Porter buzzed around in a white tuxedo jacket and Scott was nowhere to be seen.

The show started about a half hour late, and when it did, BJ took the stage alone, explaining that Scott called him five minutes ago to say he couldn't make it -- BJ claimed the whole show was his idea, so this was fine. BJ did a couple of jokes (and plugged his new store at the Grove: Victoria's Secret Kids), then a loud dance track cranked up and Scott came out in a black tux with mirrored shades on and danced around like a fool. He shrugged off BJ's questions about his recent phone call and took credit for Comedy Death Ray's success. BJ gave Scott an anniversary present -- a Simpsons Season 4 DVD -- and Scott seemed taken off guard. He looked around and grabbed a lamp that was off to the side of the stage and gave it to BJ, who complained that Scott just grabbed the first thing he found. Scott insisted it was a real gift and that it was a magic lamp with a genie in it, then threw a crying hissy fit when BJ didn't believe him and left the stage. BJ decided to try the lamp and rubbed it. Scott came back out dressed in a tiny vest and turban as "the Genie" and offered BJ three wishes. BJ's first wish was for a smaller dick, and sure enough it worked. Now realizing the lamp was real, he wished that Scott never existed. The Genie thought it was a bad idea, but granted it. With no partner to hold him back, BJ proceeded to apply black-face to his face and explained he was going to do a song from the Jazz Singer -- but the Genie revealed that his wish actually made all Scott's cease to exist, meaning Scott Joplin was never around to write the Jazz Singer (also, Scott paper towels were never invented, so BJ couldn't wipe his face-paint off). BJ used his last wish to undo his other wishes and Scott returned, allowing the Fun Bunch to begin the show in earnest.

Bob Odenkirk wasted almost no time launching into the first Presidential debate, which led him to proclaim that he's not only going to vote for John Kerry, he's going to vote "SO HARD!" He mimed this, stomping furiously into the voting booth and punching his ballot with force, and explained that he hopes all of us would do the same -- "maybe hard votes will count for ten regular votes." About the debates, Bob marveled at how low everyone's expectations are when it comes to President Bush's public speaking: "It's like when someone meets Michael Jackson and says he's surprisingly normal -- 'he didn't have any kids' penises in his mouth or anything.'" Bob took some time to shit on the Blue Collar Comedy sketch show, which he said, "I don't have to see to know it's awful." He mentioned the Burning Man festival, and also explained that he's going to get hair from the back of his head implanted on his scalp, which allows you to do all sorts of things, but the one side effect is that you can no longer express being intrigued. Back on Bush, Bob said Kerry should run on the fact that three Ramones have died during his administration -- "Mrs. Ramone has had an officer arrive at her door with a letter... 'I don't need to read it, you know what it says.'"

Andy Kindler came up next and had some piano accompaniment courtesy of Wayne Federman, who took a second to get the levels on his keyboard right, during which time Andy riffed half a set. Andy ripped on Patton's "222," saying he's going to release something called "16.9," which chronicles in real time what he did for the rest of the day that show was recorded. Andy also ripped on the Sklar Brothers and the Fun Bunch, telling the latter: "Abbot and Costello called from the grave: they said take it down a notch." Andy also had some thoughts on the debates, but since almost half the comics did, I don't remember exactly what he said. Wayne tinkled some of Lennon's "Imagine" at some point and took shit from his partner for not giving him enough to work with -- Andy dubbed this new comedy team "Jew and More Jew." Andy announced that he's been booked on the Tonight Show -- for 2009 (then he added that he just got a call: he's been bumped to Feb. 2010). This led into a Kindler staple: spitting venom at Leno. He took particular umbrage at the idea that Jay thinks he's passing on a dynasty -- "No, Jay, you're not handing off The Tonight Show, you're ending the shitty Jay Leno show." Somewhere along the line Kindler made fun of Robin Williams's fake stage voice, and Richard Branson's new commercial space flight enterprise ("they serve drinks on this flight -- what, the majesty of outer space wasn't enough for you? I'm sorry, do you have a mini-bar? This view of the entire universe isn't doing it for me."). Then he closed big with his Billy Crystal Oscar '05 medley, which started with an improvised song about The Passion of the Christ, moved on to Fahrenheit 9/11 and ended with Shrek 2 (after Andy asked the audience for another movie and someone offered Shrek). Oh, and somewhere along the line, Andy riffed on the mini-mall where M Bar resides, joking about the Hispanic computer shop ("Need a Honduran external hard drive?") and Super Tortas.


Louis CK has a lot of secrets that he keeps from his wife, but they're all stupid things like "I went to a donut shop and ate three donuts today." Well, there's also the stuff with his daughter that he can't tell her, like how he left her sitting in her carrier once outside the car while he was starting it (he wanted to cool it off with A/C before bringing her in), and when he went to get her he realized the car exhaust was blowing right in her face. Louie figures that as long as he's keeping secrets from his wife, he should do something more interesting, so he's considering giving bums blow jobs in the Ralph's parking lot. "But you can't just go up to them and do it -- they might be bums, but they're still humans and they would probably try to stop you -- so I started fantasizing about how I would do it. I'd offer them eight bucks, then take them behind the Ralph's..." Louie complained about the CPR cliche in movies, touched on "The Passion" and how bad Christ was beaten ("He must'a keyed somebody's Camero..."), then examined the differences between what men and women think about during sex, because men are trying to hold back the universe and evolution and the survival of the species, so they're thinking of the most disgusting shit, like Nixon having diarrhea in Liza Minelli's face. This led naturally into the story of his wife getting pregnant a second time (and using a blow job to trick him into doing it), which led to some daughter stories (the "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z" song) and ultimately the "Why?" joke. It was fun to watch David Cross, standing in front of the bar, crack up at this bit as Louie went from trying to explain what causes rain to explaining that his parents just fucked in a car and resented his existence.

Dino Stamatopoulos and Andy Dick were up next and explained that they had recently reunited. They launched into "Who's on First," and as usual Andy exhibited a very short fuse when quizzing his partner on the names of the various infielders on a certain baseball team. He slapped Dino around and eventually got him on the ground, then kicked the shit out of him. This didn't have the same visceral effect from where I was sitting in back as it did the first time I saw it (I was in the front row that night), but judging by the reaction of the crowd, Andy wasn't pulling any punches.

At about 11:30, it was time for Doug Benson's first installment of "Best Hour Ever," which used the format from the VH1 show to recap the previous hour of comedy in a humorous fashion. Thanks to Doug for giving me his notes so I could provide you all with a virtual transcript of his sets. Here's the first:

Quote:Keep it going for DJ Crapfart on the ones and twos. Mostly the twos.

That was the best hour ever because it was considerably more than an hour. It was like a 90 minute hour!

BJ and Scott opened the show with a milestone... Tonight we witnessed their 1,000th fake fight.

We got to see Scott with his shirt off, and I was able to discover what it's like to get the opposite of a boner.

BJ got to do something he's been perfecting for years -- a letter perfect impression of Ted Danson.

Bob Odenkirk shocked us all with his intention to vote for John Kerry. Bob is so crazy, I wanna have his baby!

LEMON PUSS! [Ed. note: this refers, I think, to Bob's description of Bush's face during the debate.]

I tried to go to Burning Man this year, but I ended up at Bernie Mac. They sound very similar, you know.

Andy Kindler flew in from an archeological comedy dig and shared with us many of the old treasures that he found there. And while he and Wayne were on Captain & Tenille called... from the grave.

And Andy threw down what will no doubt be the first of many Sklar Brothers references that will keep us awake all night long like a Red Bull enema.

Wayne Federman did even less on stage than he does in his solo act.

Louie surprised us all with material about his wife and kid, which I can't possibly relate to, because I've never had a kid with his wife or his baby.

And it was the best 90 minute hour because Andy Dick walked in and insisted on going up right after Louie, because apparently there's only a fifteen minute window in which he can be THAT funny. He needs to get karma back to the set of Less Than Perfect by Monday.

BONUS (crossed out by Doug):

[It was the Best Hour Ever because...] Bob Saget is performing as I speak at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach -- and we are not at the Comedy and Magic Club.

I heard that if you want to lock the men's room door, you just have to shove a pen into it.



David Cross kicked off the "second hour" of comedy and started into what sounded a lot like an impromptu riff on a bus station penny drive he's been doing for the Make-a-Dish Foundation, which pays kids in third world countries to make satellite dishes. (He's collecting pennies from every state.) Before anyone could figure out what that was about, David moved on to a story about visiting Food 4 Less, his favorite food store in Los Angeles. Amidst the corn dogs and sweet 'n spicy pickle sticks, David found what he called "Hispanic cookies" for poor kids that had a Spanish name and a "totally rad, super-poor" cartoon "cookie kangaroo" mascot wearing a backpack on the front. "And you can tell even the kangaroo is poor, because he's got one of those really shitty backpacks on." David bought a package of the cookies and confirmed that they were terrible -- so bad that middle-class, even lower middle-class kids would cry and whine if their parents gave them these cookies. David passed the cookies around so everyone could try one, and indeed they were disgusting -- the one I had was like a stale, multi-colored pastel marshmallow between two styrofoam wafers, and while it didn't taste that bad at first, I found myself picking recycled paper from my teeth for the next fifteen minutes. David had some slogan ideas for the Kerry campaign: "I will lie less!" was one, "I believe in science!" was another. David told us that God wants us to masturbate because we know now that our balls will make more baby juice. He also questioned how "humble" a carpenter Jesus was, then reenacted someone bringing a wobbly table to Jesus for repair, only to get an earful of how he's the Son of God and if you don't follow him you'll burn in Hell for all eternity. "I think I'll just take this to Abraham down the street..." On the topic of adopted Chinese babies, David said he could never adopt, because he wants to raise his children with complete honesty and wouldn't have to have this conversation: "Do you love me as much as if I was your own child?" "Oh... Of course I don't -- how could I? I picked you out of a catalog!" David wishes he could go back to being a kid and be a Goth, just so he could randomly begin and end sentences with, "Boo!" There was something about prank calling a friend whose dad just died: [spooky voice] "This is your father! No, just kidding, what's up, man?" And David expressed interest in getting his friend's new baby tattooed on his ass, so that for the rest of their lives, his friend would have to live with that knowledge, that David had his baby on his ass. David closed with a story about looking for a sublet in L.A. and finding a listing on craigslist for a converted school bus that had no power, had a bathroom that could only be used if it was hooked up to a sewage line, which it wasn't, and couldn't be moved. I looked for the listing myself so you all could enjoy it (although nothing beats hearing David read it and add commentary), but I couldn't find it.

Eddie Pepitone was introduced as the go-to alternate of the night, meaning if someone didn't show up he would fill in. Eddie was very enthusiastic and had a pillow in his hand, saying that he would catch a few winks if necessary but would remain ready if needed.

Chris Hardwick set up his tape recorder and explained that this is a very useful tool for comics, and when he listens back to it later at home it really helps him come. Chris talked about how great M Bar and the Death Ray show have been for comedy, then briefly described the bizarro alternate universe around the corner known as Bliss Cafe, which hosts an open mic -- he goes in there for coffee sometimes and once heard the guy on stage say: "I'm not going to say this was a dead room, but three cadavers stood up and walked out." Chris revealed that he and Mike have recorded something called "Rodeohead" -- apparently it's on the Internet -- and told the Thom Yorke interview story that combines name-dropping and self-loathing insecurity in a way that's never been seen before. Then, some new stuff: Chris noted that "Shawshank Redemption" is being re-released, opined that an actor as great as Morgan Freeman has done so many Ashley Judd "Woman in Peril" movies (a sub-genre he dubbed "Judd-stice"). This led to a joke that Chris and his girlfriend have been enjoying together: taking other movies and doing the Morgan Freeman Shawshank-style narration for their plots. I can't do any of the examples justice, but just imagine the low, sonorous tones of Freeman recounting how the nerds got their revenge in "Revenge of the Nerds." Chris closed with "Theatrical Auto Body," a pompously titled car repair shop outside of Paramount Studios that he imagines has a Shakespearian phone answering protocol. Oh, and at some point Chris worried about all the weird shit written in his notebook, explaining that he lost a notebook recently that had the following written in it: "balls = dick tits."

Brian Posehn was meant to do a pre-midnight "clean set" for his first slot, then return later for a "dirty set," but he was getting drunk and the hour was getting late when he took the stage, so he bagged that and decided to do a dirty set first, then a dirtier set later. He told us how Chris called him recently to ask if he had a joke involving balls being dick tits, and Brian laughed about how no one ever calls him with a really smart joke asking if it's his (then he offered his own slang term for testicles: "dirty speedbag"). Brian then launched into the story of his recent high school reunion, which was amusing for two reasons: he had the hottest wife (which no one predicted) and all the formerly hot chicks are now fat, as if they've been competing in a "twenty-year sausage-eating contest." Brian's lady once asked him if she looked like a whore, which was tricky to answer because he wanted her to dress like that again, so he said, "a pretty whore." After lamenting how he's become an old man who yells at cars that drive by his house too fast while he's watering his lawn, Brian told the puppy licking the va-jay story (followed by the great analogy that living with a dog is like living with a homeless person: "I ate all the toilet paper and shit in your hat"), then switched things up with a new one he had just written that night: "trannies hate it when you call them 'bro.'" (They especially hate it if you call them "tough guy.") Somewhere in this set, Brian found a way to insult Nicole Sullivan, who's "never been funny once in her life." In response to Louie's joke about thinking about gross shit to stop yourself from coming, Brian explained that all he has to do is think of bad new wave music (the downside: now he wants to fuck Gene Loves Jezebel). He closed with the story from his bachelor party (which drunken Patton stood up to take credit for) about the stripper on the bus who kept yelling at the driver to slow down as she clung to the pole to keep from falling -- an experience far more hilarious than it was erotic.

Next was Doug Benson's second Best Hour Ever:

Quote:The second hour was the Best Hour Ever because David Cross improvised his next CD in its entirety. It's called COOKIE BOX, and it drops last Tuesday.

David inspired me to have the following thought -- why do corn dogs come 12 to a pack, while corn dog buns come 10 to a pack?

David also made fun of Goth kids, which is exactly the kind of ridicule that causes them to become Goth kids in the first place. It's a vicious circle.

I missed Chris Hardwick's set because I had to run around the corner to do my 12:30 spot at the Bliss Cafe.

I can make fun of Chris because he's out in the hallway tuing his recorder for his 5:35 set with Mike Phirman. [At this point, Chris yelled: "Melodica, you fuck!"]

Then Brian Posehn came on and announced that he got married. Sorry fellas!

My favorite thing about Brian's set was getting to hear Patton's fake laugh.

And then he did a joke that sent our special surprise guest Nicole Sullivan out of the room crying like Ralphie May on Last Comic Standing.

But Brian didn't do my favorite joke of his where he said he couldn't drive a Miata because then he'd look like a McDonald's toy. Push on his head and watch him go!


The Fun Bunch returned, but Scott had to go to the bathroom, and as soon as he left Brendon Small took the stage to replace him. BJ explained that he and Brendon had been working together some, and Brendon launched into some fat jokes at Scott's expense. Then Matt Besser appeared in a leather jacket and glasses with a video camera crew in tow and an upset Scott behind him and told BJ and Brendon that they were on "Cheaters." If you'd ever seen that show, Matt's loud impression of the host was hilarious; if you hadn't, I'm not sure any of this would've made much sense. Anyway, a scuffle fight ensued as BJ denied everything, Scott sniffled and Brendon boasted that BJ is his now. Then Andy Daly appeared with a camera crew and busted Matt for cheating on him with Scott, when he claimed to be devoted to Andy. Somehow this all ended with a video of Matt fucking Scott in the ass.

Then it was time for the Fun Bunch to pass the torch to the second host of the evening, Jimmy Pardo. As usual, the journey is a good deal of the fun with Pardo, so while he took his time telling a story about going to see "The Forgotten" he wound up railing against the pushy Hassidic Jew at the Shoe Pavilion and the trolley that travels approximately a hundred meters at The Grove. Jimmy lamented that his career peaked in '82, then closed with a story about playing Tahoe with another comic and jerking off to the sound of his featuring act getting some in the room next to him -- "At least I hope he was getting some. God, what if I was spanking it to him spanking it?!" Ever the pro, Jimmy chose to keep the show moving, promising to dig into the deep stuff in the 5 o'clock hour.

Nick Swardson admitted up front that he got hammered the night before -- not drunk, but actually hit with a hammer. About the debates, he said that he would suck if he had to do that, because he only knows like five words. After wondering what piano-guitar players learn first, piano or guitar, Nick got back on track with this simple gem: "I just went to the doctor. What is AIDS?" Nick talked about the exciting mystery of blacking out from drinking and then told a story about peeking at his agent's client list during their last meeting. The agent pulled it away defensively, but Nick saw one name: "Dude, do you represent Sinbad?" "He's actually really funny," the agent replied. Nick remains unconvinced. He also revealed that he saw Ralph Macchio coming out of a meeting with his agent the last time he was at his agency. "What's that meeting like? 'So, what's going on? I can't learn any more karate.'" After a bit about air guitaring to Van Halen while driving, Nick closed with his "Fuck Nerds" joke, which made Patton stand up and seethe. "Remember in the '80s, jocks would just be like, 'What's up, are these nerds bothering you?' and then they'd pour a milkshake on the nerd's head. I want to bring that back."

Patton came up next and wasted no time retaliating: he called Nick a theater fag and then randomly turned his sights on Doug Benson: "Yeah I do 'Best Week Ever' too, but I don't lean on it." Patton then launched into a story about his girlfriend's friends visiting from out of town, which led him to the hilarious observation that when people move to L.A., no matter how short a time they've been there, when friends visit they act like they're city mouse and show them around like they know everything. Patton talked about some local TV personality while I was typing my first report here, then he explained how movie nerds will go gay just to trump someone in an argument: "Did you see how hot [so-and-so] looked in [obscure movie]? I'd fuck him." This movie nerd talk eventually degenerated into a shouting match with Brian, after Patton tried to make fun of Brian's constant complaining about Star Wars but misspoke and said Boba Fett instead of Greedo or something. Patton "won" by citing Deckard's badge number in "Blade Runner," then moved on to mocking me by imagining how I would encapsulate his drunken ranting (the fact that I was typing on the board as he said this made for some sweet nerd nirvana).

Wow, is it already time for another Best Hour Ever? Yes, it is, and Doug's notes are sloppier than ever, so apologies if these aren't in order:

Quote:Since a lot of you will start streaming out of here soon, this is the perfect place to plug my show here on Tuesday night. There are actually some comics on the bill who aren't with us tonight. Who's laughing now?!!! They are! [That show will include] Greg Proops, Greg Fitzsimmons and Greg Louganis.

The third hour was the Best Hour Ever because finally 'Sasquatch' reared its ugly head.

M Bar regular Greg Behrendt was invited to perform but isn't going to be here tonight -- because he's just not that into you.

It was a treat to see Brendon Small live instead of in Squiggle vision. But he still seemed a little shaky.

And then Matt Besser jumped on stage and did his Eddie Pepitone impression. "I'm the host of Cheaters!"

Then they showed a tape of Matt Besser fucking Scott Aukerman and I got my boner back -- video Viagra!

That sketch made me finally understand why all Mr. Show sketches blended seamlessly into each other -- because those guys can't write a fucking ending.

I laughed a lot during Jimmy Pardo's set... because I was outside getting high.

Finally it was the ladies' turn when Nick Swardson took the stage. Don't groan, I can say that because he and I dated one night when he was passed out.

Speaking of which, we had our first fall-down drunk during Swardson's set. Best Wreck Ever!

While Patton was on, it reminded me of a joke I said in a Joke Machine show... If Patton asks you a question, answer it correctly and he'll let you cross the bridge.

I don't know how it happened, but Patton left out a couple of his credits -- Two Drink Minimum and Buster's Happy Hour.

[Following the story of Patton's speech at Brian's wedding...] People came up to me all night saying, "You should've been the headliner."



Arj Barker explained his appearance by saying he had just come from his second grade class picture. On the subject of "What Would Jesus Do?" Arj asked "Who would Jesus bomb?" and concluded: "Rome." After paying tribute to the brave, one-testicled inventor of his favorite pen (he pulled the pen out and asked someone in the front row to say what brand it was: "Uniball."), Arj went into his Wells Fargo bit about how the bank makes him nervous because it seems to be run by a prospector named Whiskey Pete -- "the ATM's down because we're out of horse feed!" Since hotel signs thank him for not smoking, Arj has gotten spoiled and now wants credit for other things he's not doing, like shitting on the floor. "I used the toilet -- YOU'RE WELCOME." Arj has trouble sleeping, so he bought a sounds of the rainforest CD: it's all chainsaws and endangered birds dying. Arj went to the Museum of Tolerance and smashed a chair -- they were cool about it. This might be where the crowd first started showing signs of fatigue -- a few people had left, and Arj's mellow approach resulted in some jokes not getting big laughs, to which he responded, "The ego's not the amigo." Then he complained about how long the preset out-going messages on cell phone voicemails are, all to run up your minutes. He ran off a list of increasingly obscure options, somehow brought it back to Whiskey Pete and said goodnight.

Dave Anthony -- this is going to be one of those sets I can't really explain, and the first of many indescribable encounters with a front row heckler. Dave started with the debate and tried to explain Bush's problem: "He doesn't know how to speak." Dave told a joke about his lowering standards for the women he dates ("It always ends up, 'Just don't shit in my car.'"), then expanded his point about Bush by doing the joke again the way Bush would do it ("Girls... Shit car!" or something). This might be when he first got into it with the heckler, who had on two t-shirts apparently. Dave managed to do his joke about Bush's face partying when he says a big word, but sure enough his attention returned to the heckler. They talked for so long that they developed a relationship, but at a certain point Dave realized he had become too distracted and "broke up" with the heckler in true nice-guy fashion. Dave closed by talking about how his father complained he was a "needy baby," as if there are babies who are like, "Yeah, I shit my pants, but don't worry about it, I'll clean it up myself. I got this one."

After Dave, Jimmy and Scott oversaw the first prize giveaway of the night. I don't remember what was in this one, but there was some sweet swag being distributed throughout the show, from CDs (Patton's, Pardo's, Todd Glass's) and DVDs (Simpsons season 4) to T-shirts and posters from things like the Comedians of Comedy and Clash of the Titans. At one point, some dude won a bowling ball either from "Run Ronnie Run" or engraved to commemorate the film's production.

Brody Stevens was next, and his set was preceded by a video that showed him cruising in his Toyota Avalon while drumming on the steering wheel with two drumsticks. Interspersed with this musical montage were stills from Brody's brushes with celebrities (as seen on his site). Sure, it ran a little long (as Brody admitted and everyone after him mocked), but the shot of his vanity plate ("Tarzana Elementary Alum") was funny. The video ended with Brody pulling up to the M Bar, hopping out and walking in, at which point he took the stage (in a different outfit, and it was light out in the video, but whatever). Brody did some jokes, talked about visiting Reagan's body at the library ("I waited 11 hours to pay my respects! And I had a book to return"), mentioned how he got his start after people like Pat Tillman told him he was funny and closed with a drum performance to Green Day's "American Idiot."

Jimmy introduced a special guest next: comedy legend Emo Phillips. Blaine Capatch came out in a black bob wig and floated around whimsically, doing strenuously weird jokes and affecting his voice like the '80s standup. "I went to the airport and got my bags X-rayed -- they found a lump in my testicle... They won't let you take a boxcutter on an airplane -- how am I supposed to open my stewardess?" Emo kept calling back the line "I fuck Judy Tenuta!" in between his jokes, and at one point he did an impression of Blaine Capatch that was just Blaine doing a few of his jokes. There was something about masturbating (Phirman's notes read, cryptically enough: "sock full of loads"), more talk of "jooooody tenoooooota" and Blaine departed (as did some guys who had drifted in after El Floridita closed -- they muttered something about this being the worst comedy they'd ever seen, which, if they've never seen Emo Phillips, isn't hard to understand).

Doug Benson:

Quote:4th Hour:

This was the first hour in the history of Comedy Death Ray at M Bar in which no one told a joke with the word "rape" in it. [Ed. note: Doug had been keeping track and bumped this joke the previous three hours.]

This was the Best Hour Ever because it was the hour where I was able to reach the conclusion that Louis CK had the set of the night.

I was surprised to see Arj here tonight, not because he's too big for this show, but because that means Tony Camin is doing the Marijuana-Logues by himself.

I'll never forget where I was when Dave Anthony met his husband-to-be. Over there somewhere, I think.

Then a Cat Stevens looking dude fixed the mic and did a bow and then Jimmy Pardo told me to make a note of it. [Dave broke the mic stand and an audience member fixed it for Jimmy.]

Next the black guy was supposed to go on, but he blew it off so we got stuck with the next best thing: Brody Stevens. [Brody asked what this meant and Doug clarified, saying something about ethnics.]

Brody Stevens told us someone told him he should try comedy. Brian Posehn then leaned over and said to me, "Someone should tell him to un-try it." [In the notes, Doug didn't credit Brian with this, then tagged it with "And he'll be in my show here Tuesday night. "Conservation!"

Some gang-bangers came in just in time to hear Brody Stevens do a gang-banger reference. "Enjoy it!"

The next prize giveaway is going to be a pass to get out of here.



Mr. Propularity answered two different kinds of phones, had tea with the queen of England, enjoyed some Planters nuts and remained "on prop of the world!" Jimmy Pardo was less than thrilled at the mess Jonah left and asked repeatedly who was going to clean it up.

Then Brian Posehn returned, drunker than before, to do his "dirtier" set. This began with an admission that he doesn't drink, so being full of whiskey was doing something horrible to his system -- I think he compared his stomach to a dirty sink and his ass was the rusty drain, then extended to a "mud gut crawling with rats." Speaking of rats, Brian did his classic joke about keeping dirty sex thoughts to himself when watching TV with his lady: "Yes, Paris Hilton has a rat-face... But the part I don't tell her is how I'd still fuck her in her rat butt-hole." Since Brian's wife doesn't allow porn in the house, he's resorted to using her magazines. So now he beats off to Vogue and Glamour and the Ikea catalog. But that's okay, because Brian got his start in masturbation working it to three empty bras, so he can apparently get off to anything. Maybe Brian thought this wasn't dirtier enough, so he told a story about a nasty hooker who holds her vagina in her hand and mashes it up against car windows to offer it to men. Then it was time to scale things back with a joke about how Brian's wife is worried that he has bad baby karma from making fun of different groups so much -- she thinks this will cause them to have a retarded baby, but Brian insists that if he's going to have a baby based on who he made fun of most as a kid, they'll have a Mexican baby. Or a gay baby. Or a midget. A little gay mexi-midget. Brian closed with his Star Wars rant and compared the prequels to his uncle putting his wiener near his face, but somewhere along the line he cursed and said, "I skipped the funny part." He managed to get through the joke, although the Greedo/special edition tag didn't have the crisp delivery I saw on Wednesday, which I can prove because my huge Star Wars nerd friend didn't shed a tear.

Jarrett Grode sought to alienate at least half the audience right away, so he opened with a joke about how Muslim terrorists think that by blowing themselves up amongst Western devils they will immediately go to heaven and send us immediately to Hell -- "What they don't realize is that as long as I'm not in the same place they are, that's heaven to me." Jarrett wondered about why Carrot-Top comments on his jokes as he does them -- like when one bombs he says, "That's just filler." "Oh really Carrot-Top? That was just filler? Unlike the brilliant toilet seat with a rearview mirror on it, which is pure genius?" (Please Jarrett don't hurt me -- I couldn't remember the example you used so I supplied my own.) Jarrett's been watching DeGrassi High, The Next Generation (which I didn't even know existed), and complained that the portrayal of drugs on TV is abominable. This brought him back to "90210," which called Ecstasy "Euphoria" so kids wouldn't know what to ask for after they saw that episode. There was something hilarious about someone wanting Taco Bell after smoking weed, which Jarrett compared to someone being on heroin and saying, "Let's go clothes shopping at Ross." According to Jarrett, Seinfeld's best friend is a black guy who hangs out with him a lot, and Jarrett imagined that Seinfeld's jokes would be a lot more threatening coming from a black guy -- "How come there's always one sock missing from my laundry?!" And speaking of threatening blacks, Jarrett can't understand why people talk about Will Smith as if he's broken some contract with society by not scaring us. "He was never threatening. Didn't these people watch the first episode of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air', in which Will says, 'Damn, Uncle Phil, that school dance was whack. No fly honeys for miles,' and realize he's not the threatening kind?" After a brief pit-stop to dis academia for paying Real World alums to speak at colleges, Jarrett closed with a dream: he wishes that instead of Yo Mamma jokes, black kids would battle each other with snaps about Kevin Smith movies. "The Bible is really boring, but not as boring as Dogma."

Next, Scott appeared in a Dutch Boy wig to present the Last Comic Standing Showdown -- he resurrected his ludicrous and inexplicably funny Jay Mohr impression (which is all phrases like "Keys to da house!" and non-impression Walken impressions) and introduced the first challenger: Tami Pescatelli. Stefan Zamorano appeared in a huge wig and pretty much just did Tami's horrible act, fake accent and all. As it was the first time they did this sketch at M Bar, the highlight was the "Pap, I shot a pilot" joke. Then, a twist on the original sketch: Paul "King of TV" Goebel came up wearing (I think) the same wig Stefan had on, along with some overalls and a tank top, and did Jay London's act. The best thing about this was that instead of just saying, "It's almost over" and "This is death" (which he did to start), Paul kept going further with this, so that by the end his interjections were more like, "I'm going to commit suicide tonight." I think the only thing missing from this bit was "Thank you," but maybe that's become hack to do that in a Jay London impression. In another new twist, Mike Schmidt performed as Ralphie May and started his set by crying about his recently deceased father. Then he did an emotional 180 and launched into "Da Hood - D.A. Hood" and all that awful crap. He broke down and cried some more, then drank from a container of what might've been cooking oil -- I was too far away to tell. Finally, Matt Besser reprised his role as the genetically-created super-LCS contestant Dat PhAnt, the gay Asian. This meant lots of "Queen" jokes and accents that featured "Ching Chang Chong" and "Me Ruv you Rong Time."

Natasha Leggero became the first female to perform (not counting Stefan in the previous sketch) and immediately put everyone at ease by saying, "Don't worry, I don't think women are funny either." She wondered where the homeless people on the bus are going, then reported that they're all going to the same open mike she's doing. Natasha doesn't care who wins the election, because either way she'll still have enough money for a new pair of earrings and a taco. Natasha sat on a stool and ripped on Hollywood women who ooze insincerity while ordering vodka tonics and saying "thank you SO much" to the waitstaff. She closed with the coffee house bit about the homeless people who populate coffee houses around America, like "Mrs. Sinclair," who is "actually really cool" according to one barrista. Natasha's reply: "How about until they can learn to keep their pants up we don't let them into the establishment?"

Ron Lynch started with his mock-stream of consciousness routine, wherein he babbles about his girlfriend, his apartment (it's a mess), school ("the three 'R's -- Rrrrr!") and other nonsense, then repeats it on a loop until the crowd starts doing the jokes along with him, at which point he turns the mic around in its stand and encourages us to continue. Then, a special treat which I would love to hear more of: Ron played an audio cassette of Louis CK doing comedy that Louie gave him for consideration when trying to get on Ron's show back in Boston in the '80s. Louie had never been on a real stage, but he told Ron he had, so he recorded himself doing his jokes with an echo effect on the mic and had a few friends sit around and laugh uproariously at every joke while they clanged silverware and glasses to approximate the sound of a club. I wish Louie had been there to hear it and comment -- it was a rare, bizarre glimpse of the man before he was even a man, never mind a comic. Ron closed with the Disney animatronic standup routine, which is still funny to me after repeat viewings.

As I logged on with Andrew's computer again to make another live post, Doug Benson returned for another BHE:

Quote:5th Hour:

We kicked off hour five with Mr. Propularity. Not that funny.

Brian Posehn came on again as a grand experiment to discover if it is possible to get too much of a good thing. Thanks for clearing that up, Brian.

It's okay for me to insult him, because as I speak he's at home, nutting all over his Salacious Crumb action figure. Brian's got a lot of spunk, all over his toys.

Then Jarrett Grode talked about thinkgs I didn't know anything about. One time I made a reference to the '84 Olympics to Jarrett, and he said (deadpan) "I wasn't born yet." Yeowch!

Next came the wig parade. Tami Pescatelli came on and called Bonnie McFarlane a stupid whore, which reminded me to tell you that that stupid whore is going to be on my show Tuesday.

Dat Phan said someone came up to him in a restroom and said "I noticed you were kind of smooth walking around, do you do karate?" Okay, first of all, no one ever said that and secondly, no one ever said that.

Next a girl went on and then I didn't pay attention to a word that came out of her mouth!

Then Ron Lynch went on, but I missed it because I went to Jack in the Box. But I got back just in time to see the animatronic bit I've seen a million times.

Jimmy was disappointed that I didn't insult him enough earlier, but I can do that later when I put him in my pocket and take him home.


Graham Elwood was next, and once again I'm at a loss for how to describe him -- and since I was online writing in this thread during his set and couldn't do it, there's no reason to think I can do it now, after the fact. Much was said and written about Graham in the wake of his performance, and it's all true. He didn't do one discernible joke, he danced to Public Enemy and whistled while doing a jig at least twice, he mixed it up with an audience member (Dave Anthony's future husband), he made me want to yell out "Give the monkey a quarter and he'll do some crowd work" but I didn't want to interfere with his flow, and he unquestionably killed -- in fact, as others have mentioned, he might've single-handedly infused the second half of the show with the energy needed to reach 6 AM. If I had to pick one set and one set only from the night to have on video, I would pick David Cross's because I could sell it on eBay, but if I got to pick a second, it would be Graham's. I'm still mad at myself for typing at all during this set, because even though I was listening the whole time and looking up a lot, I still feel like I missed out on the full effect -- in retrospect, I should've moved up to the front row (which was vacant by this point) to get maximum Elwood. In my notes, there's just one word next to Graham's initials: "Splitsy." That's what he named the heckler, because this guy did some mock kung-fu at Graham after getting up to leave during Graham's set. Graham spent the rest of his set talking to Splitsy, ranting about Splitsy, even imitating Splitsy when he (Graham) dropped his cell phone (he went into a split to retrieve it). Don't be surprised to find "Hey Splitsy" mpg shorts on Graham's site a few months from now (which reminds me: someone won a "Hey Junkie" videotape at the show and I was, and still am, jealous.)

BJ Novak, as I might've mentioned earlier in the thread, is planning on getting a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for "clich." He noted that "triple threat" is an odd name for someone who can act, sing and dance, because that doesn't sound very threatening. BJ then told a story about his sister being sexually assaulted when she was younger, but the guy never went to jail because his sister wouldn't testify. Just recently, BJ was at Disneyland and saw the guy on the "It's a Small World" ride. Then BJ rather abruptly ended his set and challenged the audience to a game: he wanted to prove that truth was not stranger than fiction as everyone said. The problem was, everyone was too tired to think of good examples of truth, which was a pretty vague request to make of any audience, let alone one that had been up all night watching comedy. I can't remember the examples BJ finally got (one was probably the show itself), but he proved his point by simply adding a hundred to whatever was in the example, thus fictionalizing it and making it stranger. Good joke, bad time to try it. Given how funny BJ is, this set was a bit disappointing, but who can blame a comic for not bringing their best in the four o'clock hour? In fact, I'm still baffled as to how the other comics managed to do as well as they did.

Danielle Koenig was next and started with the news that Chaka Khan's son was involved in an accidental death, then imagined the person who had to tell her: "Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan? Chaka Khan?" I can barely decipher my notes on this one -- apparently there was something about acupuncture and for some reason I scribbled "Who'd you have to fuck? Glad you asked." Oh, that's probably referring to the fact that Danielle is Jimmy Pardo's wife, and she was joking about how she got on the show. I do remember Danielle saying that if she were in a do-wop group they'd be called "The Tensions" and that her friend has a tattoo of a gecko on her vagina to attract men, which she thought seemed unnecessary, because if a guy gets that far and still needs convincing, something is wrong with him. If anyone can tell me what "Mexican drunk house" means (another note I took), you win a prize (for real). Actually, if anyone is still reading this, you win a prize.

Mike Schmidt is separated from his wife, but they're still sleeping together. Recently, he went over to her place and they had sex, then he took his bat (the reason he went over there) and left. He was hoping to God that his wife didn't get murdered, because there'd be his semen all over the crime scene and witnesses saying they saw him leave with a bat. As I might've mentioned before, Mike is upset that Jerry Springer is running for Congress, and when he learned that Jerry's parents are Holocaust survivors, he found himself wishing that in that case the Nazis had been more efficient -- "They could've stopped reality TV from being invented." Mike made a joke about the Chechen rebel terrorists who took over that school and talked a little about the debates, which he apologized for because he figured everyone else already covered the topic. Then he moved back to the conventions to mock the Democrats' slogan "Hope is on the Way," which seemed pretty wussy compared to the Republicans' aggressive presentation. "Oh, hope is on the way? Is it coming in a car made of smiles?" Schmidt also had a joke about heroes that I can't quite remember, but it had something to do with America having Ali and Jordan, and now with terrorism we're worried about catching Ali from Jordan.

Craig Anton read a comic strip from the paper featuring a gay guy and a straight guy: the straight guy says, "Let's play a game: I'll hide and if you find me, you get to blow me." Gay guy says, "What if I don't find you." Straight guy replies, "I'll be behind the couch." Craig admitted he's the worst improv performer ever, and to prove it he took suggestions from the audience (something about a coffee house in a '20s musical, and he's the coffee). Once he had the suggestions, he told us he would go home and work on that, then come back and perform his sketch in a few weeks. After showing off some of his home-made War bumper-stickers ("got war?" ... "War is gay"), Craig was interrupted by Ron Lynch, who came up to debate him in presidential debate fashion for comic supremacy. All I remember from this is that Craig did his awesome FBI surveillance expert impression (taking off headphones, shaking head) and Ron admitted he didn't learn his lines, but he managed to drop in a reference to aspecialthing.com, saying that "Missy Johnson" (the war widow Bush said he "loved the best way he could") was a member of the board.

Doug Benson on Hour Six:

Quote:Let's hear it for Andy Dick everybody! He beat the shit out of that guy, remember?

Graham Elwood went on stage with a haircut that had me waiting for him to say "Hey, Hey, Hey!"

Graham renamed Dave Anthony's future husband "Splitzy" because he did the splits and he was leaving.

Sasquatch -- you better write on the message boards that everyone who left before Graham Elwood missed the set of the night. The most hilarious no material set of the night.

If you really wanna fuck up Graham when he's about to go on stage... give him a cracker. Because you can't whistle while eating a cracker!

Next was BJ Novak, or as I like to refer to him, nap time.

I've known Danielle Koenig since she was a teenager and she'd look at me like "WHy are you hanging out with my brother?"

Then Scott gave away a bowling ball from the deleted scenes extra on the Run Ronnie Run DVD.

Mike Schmidt came on to sing the lullaby that is Chechen Rebel jokes.

And he got the room mumbling the question "Who is Nathan Thurm?" [Mike made reference to the Martin Short character from the famous SNL 60 Minutes parody when describing Bush during the debates.]


Five AM being the weirding hour, Dino Stamatopoulos came up next to perform as Paddle Ball Rogers, an oldy tyme coot who likes to reminisce about past presidents and play with paddle balls, trying to bounce them unsuccessfully before catching the ball in his mouth and saying, "Cornbread!" The format was basically President, anecdote, grusome turn, "he was a good man," paddle ball in mouth. By the end, he said something about Kennedy taking one to the head and caught the third ball in his teeth, so that three paddles were hanging by elastic from his mouth.

Todd Glass explained via videotape how badly he wanted to be at M Bar for this all-night jam -- in fact, he wanted to host the entire night (he made no mention of how long it would've gone had he done so). But his first video piece was just him sitting in his kitchen telling Scott (off camera) why he should win the money on Last Comic Standing -- his mock-serious logic included some earnest explanation of how he's really doing it for the charity that will get half his winnings, so anyone who doesn't vote for him is just doing to to spite him and screw sick kids (or dogs or something -- he didn't seem sure of the cause himself) out of money. The second video started with him in a hat and sunglasses playing a cook from the M Bar kitchen -- this didn't last long, and Todd pulled the disguise off after cracking up ("Did you recognize me"). Then Todd gave a heartfelt speech about how great M Bar is and how he keeps a separate notebook for stuff he wants to try there, and how he really appreciates the crowds, because they get it, and if something bombs at the Improv and he takes it to M Bar and gets a laugh, he feels like, "Yeah! I knew that was funny!" There were some jokes in this -- like when he said, "Some people say M Bar is just a place where people do jokes with no punchline. [beat -- at which point everyone cracked up because there was no punchline to this]" -- but mostly he spoke from the heart and it was really nice. Then he got off on a rant about how the Largo owner must be kicking himself for letting M Bar steal its thunder -- "Why not try putting new people up, Largo? Huh? If five people are recommending someone, maybe give him a shot!" It was funny and great and made me miss Todd.

Eddie Pepitone finally got the call to do his own set at around 5:40 AM, and boy was he excited. In one of the funniest moments of the night, Tom Hensley gave him the light after about 30 seconds, and Eddie's face almost exploded. Then he got down to business and did a joke about his spartan lifestyle and his two kittens Louis and Katie. "'Louis! Where's Katie?' But I can see Katie and I give her a look to let her know I'm just playing a game, I know where she is!" Eddie warned against mixing pot and mask-work, because he did that once and wound up stuck in Fatburger as a fine English gentleman for a month. Eddie announced that he's going to be exposing firemen, because they've gotten too much slack and credit, so he started by revealing that some firefighter he knows is keeping a Jew in his basement. Eddie heckled himself using his deepest, darkest secrets as ammunition, a bit I've seen enough times that now, every time I see him, I want to preemptively shout: "Why do you dream about red birds attacking you, Eddie?!" Then Eddie closed by improvising a song and proved that his manic energy knows no bedtime (Probably because he's an insomniac).

Closing out the show the only way they know how, Hard 'n Phirm appeared as the William Katt One Man Show featuring Josh Culp on guitar. After some pompous banter, Katt introduced his first song, a cover of the Kids of Widney High tune "Insects." Chris claims this was a poor idea, but I think a big part of the problem was that it's a slow, almost haunting song that is going to have a narcoleptic effect on a room full of sleep-deprived people. In any case, I would rather see comics try something this crazy and fail than play it safe and never surprise me -- isn't that what M Bar's all about? If "Insects" wasn't the kick in the collective ass that we needed at five-til-six in the morning, "Corazon" was: who could sleep through Chris channelling Heart's "Alone" at the end of this Latin power ballad? This was all prelude, though, to the mother of all parody songs, a concept so insanely bold and brash one had to laugh at the attempt alone. Chris and Mike sat in their booth all night taking notes on this show, then organized the highlights and fit them to the tune of REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It." The result was not a perfect song, and it would be hard to catch all the lyrics as they flew by our tired ears, but this performance somehow captured the spirit and magical energy of the night in one burst of sound. Here's how it went:

Quote:That's great, it starts half-an-hour late
A genie kissing BJ
And Scotts do not exist today
I saw Odenkirk, Kerry stammered fuckin' jerk
Wayne Andy Jew & Jewer, cheap insurance Los Computer
Nixon diarrhea to. not. cum-CK
Baby starts to chatter with why-why-why-why-why-
Fire in the wire Sasquatch on "a special thing."
Andy Dick is slapping Stama-top-o-lous
David Cross is coming in a hurry with the fury spicy pick.le. sticks
Posehn's clean not really though, puppy time and his wife licked on
her va. jay...
S'up bro overflow Cheaters scandal Brendon Small
Save yourself Save yourself Pardo hosts the
second half. Swardson asked what is AIDS
Got drunk, blacked-out, woke up, pants off
nerds! nerds!
vitriolic Bensonolic
recaps ev'ry hour.

It's the end of the show as we know it
It's the end of the show as we know it
It's the end of the show as we know it and I feel fine (not really)

Patton's drunk Blade Runner even knows the ID number
Whiskey Pete. Banker. Right Arj Barker?
Needy Baby Anthony breaking up with heckler
Brody Tarzana alum. Video was way too long.
Blaine Capatch as Emo Phillips he fucked Judy Tenuta
Brian Posehn dirty guffaws jerking off to empty bras
Mike Schmidt said "punched in the box."
Propulara-Propulara-Propularity
Offer me a showdown Last Comic Standing showdown and I... decline

It's the end of the show as we know it
(I stopped laughing hours ago)
It's the end of the show as we know it
(I want to fucking go home)
It's the end of the show as we know it and I feel fine

Jarrett likes DeGrassi High. Natasha's mid-Atlantic sigh
Ron Lynch robot lines. Leonard Bernstein
BJ Novak runs Hollywood with one-line cracks.
Danielles Koenig gecko lizard pussy tat. boom!
Graham Elwood didn't do one joke
Right? Right.

It's the end of the show as we know it
(I stopped laughing hours ago)
It's the end of the show as we know it
(I want to fucking go home)
It's the end of the show as we know it and I feel... [not very good]

Note: lyrics sheet reads "I feel fine" for every chorus end, but Chris and Mike improvised actual feelings -- i.e. "not very good," "tired" -- each time.


But wait, there's more! Doug's final Best Hour Ever (DJ Hatecrime played "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC as he took the stage one last time):

Quote:HOUR 7 was the best hour ever because Dino Stamatopolous did a character who put paddle balls in his mouth, making me think to myself, "I could go for some paddle balls right now, I hope there's a paddle ball place open this late.

Then Todd Glass addressed the crowd via videotape and I thought "I wish someone would put some paddle balls in his mouth."

Eddie Pepitone screamed for a while, and Andrew Solmssen slept through it.

Hard 'n Phirm sang some songs and the crowd went ape-bat and fuckshit, in that order.

BEST 8 HOURS EVER!


Jimmy Pardo and the Fun Bunch returned to the stage to end the show, but they had one more prize to give out: a mega-basket of goodies that represented the grand prize for the evening's drawings. All night, I kept thinking that as the crowd thinned, my chances would increase, but they only called one number that wasn't accounted for before the end of the show, proving my theory to be at least a little faulty. Also going against me: my friend Ian already won a Clash of the Titans poster, which made it seem less likely that I would win anything (where's this going?). So they called a number... Not mine. But no one stood up. They called another number... Again, not mine. Still, no one claimed the prize. On the third drawing, number 110 came up, and that was me. I went ape-bat and fuckshit, screaming at the top of my lungs, jumping up and down and making my way to the stage (I was a little wobbly from fatigue, and all my energy was going into screaming). Someone, either Scott or BJ, saw me and announced that Sasquatch was the winner and explained who I was and how the site was connected to the history of Comedy Death Ray. I barely heard this over my own screams. I took the basket gratefully, held it aloft above my head and continued whooping in celebration -- I think I even high-fived terror firma on my way back to my seat. At the end of Doug's notes, it reads: "Then, at 6:07, Sasquatch won a basket, that lucky son-of-a-so-and-so."

The show ended and the crowd dispersed. Jarrett came up to me and said that my winning was the best possible ending to the show he could imagine. A few people hung around for a bit and I collected notes from Mike and Doug (thanks again). I looked through my winnings -- which included a Mr. Show Season 4 DVD (which I hadn't yet purchased for some reason), UCB Season 1 DVD, a Neil Hamburger "The Show Must Go Off" DVD, a Jimmy Pardo CD, a Todd Glass CD, a Matt Besser prank call CD, a signed "Shut Up You Fucking Baby" CD, a copy of the Run Ronnie Run script with scenes never shot, a "Mr. Show - What Happened" book signed by the entire cast, a NEXT! tape with both episodes, a Marijuana-Logues hat and lighter, a Comedians of Comedy t-shirt, an American Dinosaurs t-shirt and a "Who Farted's" t-shirt -- and marveled at the bounty. BJ approached and insisted that my winning was not fixed in any way -- I wondered about that briefly, but someone told me as he left that he had the number they called before mine, but he lost it.

I want to once again thank everyone who made this show possible and Andrew Solmssen for helping me post a few tidbits live from the show. It might have been due to the sleep deprivation that makes cult members so malleable, but by the end of the show I felt like I had been a part of something really magical, something that everyone in that room would remember for the rest of their lives. If nothing else, it must be said that this show didn't just succeed in going all night as intended, but it actually kept people laughing that whole time. Part of this is due to the amazing lineup that was assembled, but partial credit must be given to the crowd, which thinned as the night progressed but never stopped giving back the energy that the comics brought to the stage. These, too, are the people who make M Bar special, for without discerning fans, the comics would have no one to try their jokes on, no one to appreciate their most eccentric ideas, no one to keep them pushing comedy forward. I expected this show to be interesting but somewhat grueling, but I came away from it energized by the talent and ambition of the people who performed. I have never laughed so much for so long, and I doubt I ever will again. Thank you, Death Ray!

Meen Bellpeppers
7.22.09
UNPROOFED

[rdemint]

Meen Bellpeppers is my hero.