I've said it before and I'll say it again...I resent bring proud of a bag of garbage.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...I resent bring proud of a bag of garbage.
After eight years of being a smoker, I quit. For two years. Then, due to my excessive drinking (how's THAT for avoiding responsibility?) I've now been smoking again for two weeks or so.
For the first time, I've said outloud, "I have a drinking problem," but that still hasn't stopped me from going through a liter of vodka a day. Not only is it a large part of my social life, it's a great part of my solo life. A glass of vodka, a new podcast, and a game of Quadrus online is a common evening for me. And now the cigs just make drinking more enjoyable.
I've finally admitted that I need to stop drinking. And again, to stop smoking cigarettes.
I'm just having trouble finding other ways to fight the boredom.
Not really asking for advice here, just wanted to share.
Kruder that sucks. Boston seems like a pretty heavy drinking town. I'm sure it is hard to socialize without booze. It is also harder to tell if you have a problem if everyone else seems to be drinking all the time.
Boston is also a great running town. I feel lame typing this but try running. It gobbles up time. It feeds into obsessive behavior. There are running groups. It is healthy. Pick a half marathon. Get a running program. Stick to the program and you'll have a lot less down time.
Haruki Murakami talks about how running stopped him from smoking in one of his books.
Yoga is also good for positive time wasting. It is actually more social than running. That is if you don't mind hanging with dudes in lineny pants.
I just spent 15 minutes playing Quadrus because of your post.
"Not the victory but the action. Not the goal but the game. In the deed the glory."
Tomorrow marks nine weeks sober for me. In that nine weeks I've gone from an unemployed, depressed boozebag into a gainfully-employed, much happier recovering boozebag. My wife loves that I'm present in our lives, I'm happier and more cheerful about spending time together, I'm not constantly exhausted and hungover and in just about everything in my life has been improved by sobering up. Hell, just the financial benefits have been kind of shocking when I realized just how much money was getting pumped into being drunk on a regular basis.
Having to deal with being in places that serve booze with people who drink booze has been an issue at times, but at this point I'm out performing about 4-5 nights a week and getting comfortable with myself and how it feels to be the person who doesn't drink.
In the final months of my drinking I was avoiding people, staying home more often and spent the entire last month just making excuses to stay home and drink. The drinking does intend to kill you and it will make it very convenient to give into it. You're a good person who deserves to be happy, and ultimately alcohol doesn't give a shit about you. I feel lucky that when I decided to stop, I was able to stop, but it took some pain and suffering before I wanted to make the decision. There are resources and help. Don't give up. Life can be a lot better.
A liter of vodka is a dangerous amount to consume on a regular basis. How old are you? I did that for years, and in my early 30s, it began tearing me up from the inside. At some point, that will destroy you. Of course I can't diagnose you physically on AST, but that's a level where it could be dangerous to quit cold turkey. Do you have medical insurance? I'd recommend a physician-assisted detox. Do you have DTs in the morning? Shakes? Sweats? Panic?
Speaking of Legos, I'm 31.
I saw my therapist tonight and admitted to her for the first time that I need help quitting booze. She gave me a number for a great detox and/or substance abuse treatment program that I will be calling tomorrow to set up an intake appointment. They also offer talk therapy in conjunction, but I get to keep my current shrink. I'm nervous, of course, and I might have to lose my job (if I haven't already) to do the program. At this point, I'm choosing my health and ultimate happiness over the safety net of this job (which by the way is one of the few remaining places in Boston that provides non-contributing health insurance. It's full coverage, and I don't pay a dime for it.)
I appreciate everyone's comments in this thread and have avoided even reading a lot of it for some time now.
Good luck, dude. I didn't even notice this thread existed, but I wanted to pop in and wish you well, because even though we don't really know each other, we live within 100,000,000 miles of each other and have proposed the idea of "maybe someday hanging out" so now it's like we do know each other, in some super modern, technological and impersonal way. That was a long sentence. What the fuck am I talking about?
So it's my second night without a drink, and I am SORE. My back aches and I'm exhausted. It feels like I exercised all day, so it's almost a good kind of aching.
I've not been fired from my job, yet... I had to outline the steps I'm taking with my treatment, and a letter from my doctor will have to be given to the Dean of the school. There are apparently "meetings" to be had about me, so for now I just need to focus on the things I CAN control.
I don't have to wake up for work for another 12 hours, but I think I might get into bed now. Maybe put on some ID and fall asleep to the soothing sounds of true crime murder stories.
I credit many of the people on this board with the inspiration to do this, so I thank you. I owe some of you a direct response or two, which I will get to tomorrow. Honest!
For those of you still struggling, count me in your corner.
From a non-professional standpoint, from what I've seen, is that if you keep this drinking up, soon your body will just shut down. You don't want to wait until its too late to stop. By that I mean If you wait until your liver is completely shot, there's nothing they can do for you.
do whatever it takes to go to that detox and then follow it up with some kind of program. your life is depending on it. I think all your coworkers know already and will be happy for you and supportive.
Just wanted to quickly share a technique I've discovered. I knew tonight would be harder than the two previous, only because it's Friday. I decided to stay in and immediately begain feeling the boredom take over. Even the batch of new podcast episodes couldn't calm me.
Then I started listening to Smashing Pumpkins' Gish. It (along with Siamese Dream) was a huge part of my formative years. Every time I listen to an early Pumpkins record, I am transported back to middle school: the girls I had crushes on, the lawns I mowed, the excitement for a new episode of MST3K, the night time games of Manhunt in the neighborhood, etc.
This was a time before I drank. (I didn't even drink in high school.) There was a time when I felt happy, fun, and excited about the little things. A time before I even knew what it felt like to be buzzed. So, a few deep breaths of the cool Boston air and Smashing Pumpkins in my headphones, and I felt at ease. A few more records from my youth later, a couple glasses of water, and all of a sudden it's 10:00 PM.
Not sure where the time went, but I'm sober. Three days down, the rest of my life to go!
Jesus, this was the most effeminate thing I've ever written on a message board. Hey, while you're walking, maybe knit a sweater, paint your nails, and draw a picture of a kitten at the same time. Fuck. No, but seriously, try it (just the walking part, you jerk).
I used to walk the Esplanade on cool nights, and it was great. There's a cool playground among the trees not too far from the MIT bridge (south side of the Charles.) The swing sets face the river and MIT across the way. Took a date there once. That playground is also where I smoked my first joint (not the same night.)
The weed is the fonder of those two memories.
Last edited by slothborn; October 7, 2012 at 10:04 AM.
slothborn, just to address the rage: I've had similar experiences. I am normally very introverted, self-conscious, low self-esteem, etc. When I get drunk, whatever emotion I'm feeling just gets amplified. At first, I found myself sticking up for myself more, but eventually I began trying to start shit. I'd involve myself in situations that were none of my business (say, for example, a guy being a jerk to a waitress in MY bar!?) I'd try to act the sensible guy sticking up for others. One night, I was walking home drunk from the bar and a bunch of high school kids were hanging out on a stoop. I started talking to them and making them laugh. Then I jokingly called one of them an asshole. Well, apparently I was the only one who got the joke. They kept asking me to leave, then telling me to leave, then YELLING at me to leave them the fuck alone. I emptied my pockets on the sidewalk and puffed my chest out. I SO wanted one of them to take a poke at me. I've never been in a fight in my life, and here I am daring six black kids to fuck with me.
I eventually went home. I was embarrassed for weeks about ruining their night. They were so nice and polite when asking me to leave. I just wouldn't listen.
"What if I don't!? What're you gonna do!?"
I've also cried in the bar on at least three separate occasions. Twice over an ex girlfriend, and once because one of the other regulars with whom I wasn't even very close told me he didn't want to be my friend.
So I guess my point is, in my experience, bottled up or undealt-with emotions + alcohol = I'm a jackass.
Other people here on AST will have better advice for you, but I'd simply suggest you address your anger in addition to your alcohol use.
And stop hanging out with that stupid motherfucker who heckled Andy Kindler. Jesus, I've broken up with girlfriends over less.
Best of luck!