Last edited by slothborn; February 20, 2013 at 10:57 AM.
"The tire store had a pool out back with a gator in it."
my roommate's girlfriend looks in the fridge and finds a few pizza slices from last night:
"why are you wasting money on delivery?"
"bitch, that ain't delivery! it's delissio!"
I'd dump him! no way he's getting a handy or a blowie from me using that sort of language!
Kids playing next door:
"I wonder why bees die in water."
"Guys die in water, too."
Last edited by pollymaepry; August 1, 2012 at 3:59 PM. Reason: double
On the subway platform:
"Why would you have the baby if you're gonna shake the baby to death? Just don't have no baby!"
Battleship Pretension - Movie talk from two guys who think they know more than you do. www.battleshippretension.com
In NYC — "I don't think Becky *gets* it."
"I want to buy a hat to wear to my dad's funeral. I want it to be steampunk, but not over the top"
Woman sitting next to me at jury duty: Of course he's guilty. He's on trial, isn't he?
Two elderly Australian women on a shuttle bus from LAX to downtown LA:
"He had a helper for some time. He was a black.*"
"He's dead now, though. Drank himself to death."
"Died happy, I suppose."
Later they noticed I wasn't wearing a seatbelt and one of them gestured toward me and said "I value safety unlike this one over here." I live dangerously, lady.
*I don't know if she meant he was "a black" as in race or if his last name was Black.
The walls were very thin at my old apartment. One time the neighbors woke me with their loud arguing. Rather, one of them woke me because only one of them was loud enough to hear.
"WHY YOU GOTTA TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?"
In a sleep-drunk haze, I responded before I could think -
"Because you're a stupid cracker?"
"WHAT?.... AND YOU GOTTA FIX THE TRUCK BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN THIRSTY AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY SODA AND I'M GODDAMN PREGNANT."
A biker making small talk with his new sweaty mama's teenager.
Biker: You like basketball?
Biker: You like drinkin' whiskey?
Teen: I'm only fourteen.
His mother takes the cigarette out of her mouth, blows the smoke in her son's direction, and in a thick New York accent says "He said 'Do you like Dirk Nowitski?'."
Teen: oh, he's alright.
Last edited by Brian J.; August 29, 2012 at 11:26 AM.
"When I die, I want to be buried with 12 cans of cat food"
"Are you a cat person?"
"No, I'm allergic."
There is this crazy old sixty year-old fat guy that shoots the shit out in the smoker's area. This guy is a piece of garbage human being on a daily basis, I need to just get right to the point when it comes to that. I could tell you twelve plus stories about this goddamned lunatic... but what he said today had such a subtle and simple stupidity to it that yeah... here
Parking Lot / Smoking area -- Today: Minivan driven by cuntboy screeches out. This old dirtbag we will call schmidt says, "It's ten miles per hour in the lot you sack of shit." as he watches the minivan speed on.
Then, inexplicably, the guy changes gears on a dime and says, "But I tell you one thing, the smoking area is HERE. If you are just standing around in the lot proper instead of HERE... like the other day, I'm driving through the lot and this fat piece of shit
Then he looks around as if to watch out for narcs. Mind you, he has already said "this fat piece of shit"... but he looks around for HR representatives because he was about to say:
When he looked all around out of fear I thought this dude, who every goddamned day is talking just terribly inappropriate nonsense, was going to lay out something truly awful. Then he ends it with just "woman". It not only made me laugh, it made me pretentiously feel like I knew many new things about him and his fears and general shittiness.