News of the Weird

[Harry Bongers]

I love these kinds of news stories, so if you find something weird, post it. I'll start:

Burglar wakes men with spice rub, sausage attack


09/07/08 16:01:33


Fresno County authorities have arrested a man they say broke into the home of two farmworkers, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez of Fresno was found hiding in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks.
Burrimond said Vasquez was arrested after deputies found a wallet containing his ID at the ransacked house just east of Fresno.

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage.
Burrimond said money allegedly stolen in the burglary was recovered. The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

[scamboogah]

Burrimond said Vasquez was arrested after deputies found a wallet containing his ID at the ransacked house

Amateur.

Everyone knows you don't bring your wallet on a sausage slap.

[Harry Bongers]

This would make a good movie.

http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/may/23/man-sues-book-over-most-litigious-crown/

[pissedpissedofferson]

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

That's all well and good for the sausage, but what happened to those spices? Fucking lazy journalist.

[suavepebble]

How the fuck did they know it was eaten by a dog?

Wouldn't it be perfect in its weirdness if the sausage guy threw the sausage and then stood there staring at it in a ditch for 45 minutes until a wandering dog showed up to eat it? I find all of this very hard to believe, but I am happy it brought me to this image of the sausage man staring at the sausage in a ditch for 45 minutes just to have knowledge of the ultimate fate of his soulmate.

[ArchStanton]

Amateur.

Everyone knows you don't bring your wallet on a sausage slap.

:clap clap clap:

[isoS]

Thanks for bumping this, harry -- I finally get your signature now!

[Harry Bongers]

Thanks for bumping this, harry -- I finally get your signature now!

I should probably change my signature to attribute it to Scamboogah. It really made me a laugh. I love that it's "a sausage slap" like it's a thing. Not sausage slapping, but "a sausage slap".

And thanks to everyone for contributing to my thread. I appreciate it!

[Fentmore]

I have great ones, just too lazy to find the links.

Python drags man up tree in Africa while he was having lunch. Last ditch effort he wrangled his cell phone out of his pocket and called help. Two men came and they jabbed at the snake and both man and python came crashing out of the tree. They tied it up and secured it.

It escaped that night.

Wish I had the link. Fucking crazy. Full grown man... up a tree! This was in the last few months.
_______________________________________
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"Russian Police Find Feral Girl in Siberia"

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russian police have taken into care a 5-year-old girl who has been shut up in a flat in the company of cats and dogs for her entire life, police said on Wednesday.

The girl, who lived in the Eastern Siberian city of Chita, could not speak Russian and acted like an dog when police took her into care.

"For five years, the girl was 'brought up' by several dogs and cats and had never been outside," a police statement said.

"The unwashed girl was dressed in filthy clothes, had the clear attributes of an animal and jumped at people," it said.

The flat had no heat, water or sewage system.
A police spokeswoman said the girl, known as Natasha, is being monitored by psychologists in an orphanage. Her mother was being questioned but her father has not been found yet.

She appears to be about 2-years-old, though her real age is five, refuses to eat with a spoon and has taken on many of the gestures of the animals with which she lived, police said.

"When carers leave the room, the girl jumps at the door and barks," the police said.

Feral children, the stuff of folklore all over the world, usually exhibit the behavior of the animals with whom they have had closest contact, a condition known as the Mowgli Syndrome after the fictional child from Rudyard Kipling's "The Jungle Book" who was raised by wolves in the jungle.

Such children have usually built strong ties with the animals with whom they lived and find the transition to normal human contact extremely traumatic.
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddly...54R2ZW20090528

[Fentmore]

"Mother gives birth to twins with different dads"

I'll paraphrase. 20 yr old woman gives birth to twins with 44 yr old boyfriend. Year later he says "they don't look the same". Paternity tests showed he was the father of one twin. The 20 yr old had to admit to the fact (and the only way it's scientifically possible) that she got sprayed by another guy within five days of being with him.

Technically only one egg gets released at a time, sometimes two and sperm can hang out inside ya for about five days waiting for the egg to come by. Well two different sperm fertilized two different eggs aaaand... faternal, yet only partially related, twins! The couple said they've always planned to marry.

She has a four year old from a previous relationship. And she's pregnant again.

For fuck's sake.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30864533/

Here's some News of the Weird: It's the 21st Century and there are people still confused by how pregnancy works. Condoms finally threw in the towel and said "We tried. You're on your own, multiply until your's hearts content. Multiply until the sheer weight of all your carcasses shifts the Earth off it's axis, thereby hurdling us all toward the sun. Good job, humanity. Way to go."

[Itslikeimsayin]

Man calls retards faggots, tries to kill them.

[ASR]

How do you know the derogatory term about their sexual orientation was "faggots," huh?

[Itslikeimsayin]

The bolt he threw barely missed me. Satisfied?

[ASR]

I... I didn't know!

[Harry Bongers]

Man calls retards faggots, tries to kill them.

It's odd that he called the mentally challenged kids faggots. I wonder if he'll feel bad when he finds out they were actually just retarded.

[Umlaut]

"We're here! We're queer! ...Apples!"

"I want an apple... and some cock! I will have some cock I will name him Henry! I will put a hat on him."

[ASR]

It's odd that he called the mentally challenged kids faggots.

What's the difference?

[scamboogah]

I was just going to say, they're not mutually exclusive.

What if it turns out that all the retards were actually faggots as well? What if the driver of the car was a retard, and was just joking with his buddies?

All I'm saying is that it wouldn't surprise me if the guy driving the car was Louis CK...

[crlygrl]

"We're here! We're queer! ...Apples!"

Made me laugh much harder than it should have.

[Harry Bongers]

The bail seems a bit high for throwing a bolt that almost hit two people. Was the bolt covered in anthrax?