Depression

[sparkiepop]

Go now. Worry later.

I completely agree with Tron. You need to spend as much time with her as you can.

I just lost someone extremely close to me and I regret not seeing him when I could. I will always hate myself for not saving him.

[Alex Mac]

So...my friend came back. And I'm not mad. I almost feel guilty for that. For feeling so happy that someone who lied to me and left me at my darkest point came back. They're on hormones now. This is a person who shared the same struggle I still carry and who I stayed in touch with when they tried to kill themselves. I think I saved a life that day. Knowing that humbles me and terrifies me. But they came back.

And I'm wary of getting close. They've already sort of disappeared again. Before I could find closure. I have a need for it. I thought I was fine and ready to move on. And this happened. I need closure. Compulsively. Irrationally. I need it before I can move on and be whatever person I'm going to be.

I thought I ran out of tears for this a long time ago. And I'm wrong. And I should do my best to open up and accept what is. To find friends here among you all and elsewhere. But this is something I need. I've never really needed anything before. I need this. And I don't know what happens if I don't get it.

[Chase Roper]

Alex! I'm just catching up on forum posts and wow did I miss something important. How are you!? email or dm me your number. We can chat anytime. I live with depression and have history of suicide in my family. Let me be a good resource and friend!

[SlyBattery]

On my birthday I bought what seemed like a good car for only $700, had an interview to be an intern at Earwolf and some extra money for clothes that I've needed for a while. I thought things were turning around for me.

2 weeks later, I owe $200 in parking tickets, my car is dead, and I'm sure you can assume my fate with the internship. My life seems to be a never ending series of good things followed by them being taken away and somehow being worse off for ever having them. Oh and I also got expelled from my school. The only real problem with that being that I will have to start paying back student loans now for a degree I will never get.

[sparkiepop]

Ugh. Is there any way you can transfer your existing credits to another school?

[davidd]

Yeah, if I were you I'd transfer to a cheap community college that you can grab a bus to for a semester at least. That way you're not stuck out of school and you night be able to get get some credits out of the way while you're thinking about what to do next.

[SlyBattery]

Theres just too many complications. I already went to a cheap school and financial aid barely was enough for me to go half time. My credits are also mostly in film-related classes, a degree I don't care about anymore but feel doubtful of their transferability. Plus I am 26 and the idea of finishing my degree by 30 is absurd to me. I'm just trying to make waves before I'm buried in water at this point. That is probably a John Mayer lyric.

[sparkiepop]

I finished my degree at 31. Everyone has their own timeline and finishing a degree at any age is better than not finishing, but it sounds like you've given up and you don't want to. Sounds like excuses to me because I know there are schools around here that will bend over backward to find ways for people to attend (SMC). You can fix your situation if you try.

[SlyBattery]

Yup just a bunch of excuses. Thanks. This was a mistake of course.

[Liezl]

You're going to be working for the rest of your life, you might as well take the time to figure out what you want to do.

I went took classes for 7 years (summers too) at different colleges trying to figure i out before I graduated with a degree. Going to an expensive school doesnt matter, get the skill as cheap as you can then make friends in what you want to go into.

[Alex Mac]

I'm not too qualified to speak because if there's one benefit I've had it was that many of my college troubles were taken care of thanks to my father's amazing work and sacrifice for me and my sister but I will say this and you can take it if you want.

You're going to find something. You are going to be something. And if that means I have to fly to LA and help you, I'll do it. Whatever happens, it won't happen in a day. It's not going to happen probably in a few months even. But it will happen. You will happen. And you are going to be fucking great.

[sparkiepop]

What was a mistake, posting here? Why? I'm not going to pity party you on this because I KNOW you can fix this situation but your tone is that of someone who just can't be bothered. You have not hit a dead end. The parking tickets suck, the car thing sucks, yes. I am sorry that those things happened but those kind things happen to everyone. I have been in several strings of unfortunate events like that. It's part of rat race.

To add to what Liezl said, you can practically get a free education online and at the public library. There are also so many ways to get into less expensive schools. You don't have to have your mind made up at 26. I was an astronomy major before I realised how bad I was at math. I didn't really think I wasted nearly a year of school and all of those credits, it just wasn't right for me. I then switched back to art history and got a degree in that. I have no use for it. At 28 I decided to start over and get into Multimedia & Web Design. Got an AA in that and kept going, ended up with a BS in Interactive Media Design at 31. Now I'm an engineer. If you're not into film anymore, that's fine. Your tides are allowed to change, don't feel defeated because you're not into something anymore. Work hard. You will figure it out if you try.

[aenemaTron]

I also got my degree late. A few years ago. Whatever. Four years is arbitrary and not everyone fits that mold- most people don't for a variety of reasons. Just because you started on one track doesn't mean you can't change everything. You're not dead, are you? I flunked out/was put on academic leave at my first college, and then I tried culinary school and then I took community college classes and then I started a continuing education program at NYU and it was great. The whole thing ultimately took 13 years. Big deal who cares. For your college.

I intended to write a thing in here about how our 6 year old cat died - apparently hit by a car, and made it back home to die - but it was too hard to focus and put my thoughts into order on AST. I'll share one thing- I have been haunted by the image of his dead body, looking normal by all accounts, curled up on a bed/scratching post box. The other day I got fed up and took charge of my mourning and decided to start remembering him from the good times, and then I all of a sudden realized why people have memorials and wakes and things. This wasn't the case with my mother, who died two years ago this April. Her decline was long and varied, and even when she was comparatively healthy she wasn't happy. The memories of her that are positive are much further in the past and when she was most sick she lived in Minnesota and I was in NYC. It's weird, how the death of this cat- which was sudden, and which I feed much more responsible for, has hit me a lot harder than it did when my mother died, although my wife and year old son and I spent the last day of her life with her and she was more or less randomly dead the next day. If you put distance between yourself and others, it doesn't do any good. My feelings about the cat are sad, but they're not "bad" exactly. Maybe pet mourning is different because your feelings about your pet are usually a lot simpler than they are with an actual human, and that's certainly true with my mother. Anyway, I don't know. Hug your loved ones.

[sparkiepop]

Again, I am so very sorry about Woody. Seeing his photo ALWAYS made me happy and he was a very sweet kitty. I will always smile when I think of the little drops of water on his nose.

Loss of a loved one is tragic. With your mother, you had some preparation. When a relative is sick it's almost a relief when they let go as they're no longer suffering. There was no preparation with Woody. I can absolutely understand your feelings here. Please don't feel guilty for feeling more upset about one over the other, you can't compare grief.

[Bryan_]

So, late last night I was admitted to a hospital and this morning I was told I suffer from severe depression and I begin group therapy tomorrow and I'm also going to see a psychiatrist to be prescribed anti-depressants. If anyone has experience with either group therapy or taking anti-depressants everyday a little encouragement would be nice because it's really freaking me out.

[P-Dub]

What specifically is freaking you out about the anti-depressants? There can be some uncomfortable side effects for a week or two, YMMV of course, but you ride it out and you'll be fine.

Sounds like you're getting a ton of help, so that is awesome. I can relate because i'm just starting treatment again, and it's a package deal too, although no group therapy. I've been on pretty much every SSRI, but this time I need bipolar meds with scary names but i'm taking the plunge based on my own assessment of my mental health needs. And really the more I read about them, they don't look that bad, and you can always switch meds or taper off anything at any point, which again, can be uncomfortable but, at least for me, necessary.

[Bryan_]

I just fear that taking medication like anti-depressants will really change who I am because from my limited understanding they alter your brain chemistry. The psychiatrist I spoke to said they will make me more like myself but I feel like that's just a line they use. I probably shouldn't be so cynical about it and just wait to see how I do on them.

[P-Dub]

Your brain is this constantly changing, amazingly adaptable thing of wonder that I am only just beginning to understand. But I know that psychological trauma can cause neurochemical changes, which psych meds can prevent. For me, the worst part of being on SSRI's would have to be the sexual dysfunction; it sucks having the confidence to date but then...wherp. But I adapted. Your brain is constantly building new neural pathways. It's a cost/benefit analysis, and I come at it from a place of willing to do whatever it takes to combat this disease that is constantly fucking my shit up good.

[slothborn]

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[Pimpbot]

Anyone here have experiences and/or advice with antidepressants? My therapist has recommended I start Wellbutrin or Prozac and was curious what your experience has been.