Depression

[davidd]

Happy Birthday Alex! I'm glad your're here to celebrate it. The world is a better place with you in it.

But you have to stop with the "I don't know if I'll make it to see the Book of Mormon" stuff. You DO know. Because it's your choice. You're not a slave to your emotions. You can always choose to give life a shot for another day. It sounds like you have great friends that you can go fishing with, you have us ast jerks to cheer you up anytime you want, and most importantly, you have yourself.

So hit me up whenever you want. If you're ever in Chicago, I'll buy you a beer or whatever. If I'm ever in the northeast, I'll meet up with you.

I'm pretty sure this thread was made for people in your exact state, so write whenever you want in here and don't feel guilty about it.

[ASR]

Alex.

I know this is late - I wish I'd been closer to the front lines on these responses - but I still feel the need to talk to you. I'm just about your age, and although I'm neither gay nor transgender, my closest friend in the world first came out of the closet to me and I was right there alongside her as she made her journey. On top of that... I suffer from depression and once used message boards as an escape, and as somebody your age I feel I can connect with you quite a bit on what it's like to feel helpless and cut off from the world. You can find my post on the first page of this thread if you'd like to read more of what I've gone through.

First off, know that I care about you. Clearly everyone here at AST does - even I'm impressed by the outpouring of support that we've shown you as a collective. Makes me proud to be a part of this website. More importantly, though, you're the one who introduced me to AST in the first place. You linked me to it off the Stand-Up Comedy board on GameFAQs of all places. Our names are the same except for that blasted last letter. We both love comedy. We both perform comedy. For all of these reasons and more, I've always felt some weird bond with you on this site despite the fact that we don't often cross paths. I get excited when I see a new post from you, because you always add intelligent insight and a worthwhile point-of-view to the discussions, without fail.

You are a good person, Alex.

You deserve to be alive and the world would be significantly worse off without you.

Let me be clear: never, ever, kill yourself.

I've been to your dark place many times in the past, and I know I will return there soon enough. I've always been strong enough to make it out again, but I know not everyone has been so lucky. You and I, though? We are strong. We are lucky. We have people who care about us. We have people who would be devastated to find out we were gone.

Surround yourself with the people who care. Your instincts are golden. They brought you here, after all, to some off-corner of the internet. You came here looking for decency and love, and you were so right. You found it, Alex, because your instincts are right on target. Now pinpoint the people around you who truly do care. Continue to come out and share your true self with the important people in your life. Weed out the ones who never mattered in the first place, and hold closer the ones who stand by your side.

I've been a part of online message boards for nearly my entire life, starting as early as when I was seven or eight. When I couldn't connect with people at school, when I failed each and every day to make real friends who cared about my actual well-being, I found people online with common interests who would have me as a part of their community. Hell, from time to time I still visit an old MegaMan message board that's been functionally dead for over five years now. A lot of those people I still keep in touch with on Facebook, and have even collaborated creatively with me on some occasions.

The thing to keep in mind, however - and iSOS already pointed it out - is that the folks on message boards are often as quick quick to forget that the same people they so craved attention and companionship from are also real people who can be hurt and toyed with. When you're not seeing someone face-to-face, it's easy to forget that you should be treating them with human decency. They sometimes get caught up in the drama and internet politics, caring more about being part of the story and events of the hour than making sure you're feeling alright. This is just a small flaw in the system, but it serves as a healthy reminder that the people you can actually see and touch on a day-to-day basis are far more precious.

This doesn't take anything away from the companionship you can get from forums - in fact, there's something very special and unique about being a part of sites like AST that I would never give up for the world. That said, it cannot be your only escape. Don't put too much stock into these places. Remember those around you who care as much, and if those people are sparse... seek out more. It's difficult. I know it is. Fuck, I really do. If I could find friends who cared, so can you. Of course you can. I'm so lucky now to have myself surrounded by a network of real friends that I can proudly say have busted down my door in tears when they mistakenly thought I was suicidal, just to make sure I was still alive. I will never forget the image of a friend's face - the same friend that came out of the closet to me and made it through her own painful journey - I will never ever forget her face as it wore such absolute devastation at the thought of me in pain, or gone. I wish I could show you that face, but I hope I never have to.

I'm a lot like you. We've established that. Same age, similar interests, similar escapes, similar ailments... if I've been able to find these friends - these friends who really know me, and know my secrets, and have seen me at my worst - these decent people who want me alive and would fight to keep me alive... then so can you. Maybe you already have them. We're here for you, we really are. AST cares. But we can only do so much. We can't break down your door and cry and hold you when things get dark. We simply can't.

But we would.

Never do yourself any harm. Never let your darkness take hold. Never let the follies of others - especially on the internet where so much is taken for granted - bring you pain.

Make some choices about medication and therapy. I always hesitate to admit that I don't take medication or attend therapy, because I know I'm the rare case who is able to find a way to function without those things... and believe me, I suffer for it when the mood comes. It always comes, it's always looming. I'm never fully free. You might need medication. You might need therapy. Try them out, and try them out thoroughly. I know I did. I've seen them work. I know the only reason I survive without them is friendship and the support I get from it.

Find people who care, and live off our support until you settle down. Use our love and cheer as a lifeline until you settle and get your life back on track. You've got a long adventure ahead of you. I don't know what it's like to take your path and embrace the world of transgenders, but as hard as it's going to be... it'll give you some damn good comedy material when it's all over.

Put yourself at a distant point in the future. Ten years from now. Hell, twenty years from now. You're well-adjusted. Your life is barely recognizable. You still have troubles, and you might even have a lot of them - some new, some familiar. Some of those troubles might be just as scary as the ones you're facing now, but it won't matter. Why not? Because you can look back on the pain you felt right here, right now, and from that perch twenty years in the future, you'll laugh. You'll laugh at how inconsequential it all seems from that vantage point. You'll laugh when you look forward at those future-problems that are troubling you, because from there you imagine yourself forty years in the future, still laughing.

Laugh now.

- Your friend, Alec

[Umlaut]

Hi Alex. I don't have too much original to add beyond what's been said, but did want to join the chorus of people saying you are a valuable person, the world is better with you in it, please stick around and keep fighting. I know it's hard. Like a lot of the people on this board, I am also in the midst of a long, long battle with depression. Something that has helped me isreally learning to accept that this isn't me being weak or bad at life, but actually a real sickness I have, except it's infected my brain as opposed to, like, my sinuses. It sounds infantile, but what has helped me most is thinking of Depression as just a monster that lives in my brain. And it's a horrible monster, and one that we should always be fighting, but this monster is no pushover and will fight like hell. However, for me it helps to try to separate my bad feelings about myself as not actually coming from me, but from my Monster. So when I descend into negativity loops, I've found it helps me to remind myself that it's just the Monster talking. I'll still be sad, but it takes some of the power away, and helps to ride it out. Not that your situation is the same as mine, and it sounds like you are in a more severe place and absolutely need to be seeking out professional help ASAP (which I have also done -- you can not do this alone, and you're not a weaker person for this AT ALL), but in the meantime, try to see if giving your Brain-Sadness a name and a face helps provide perspective to separate these thoughts as not from YOU but from your disease.

And I also wanted to direct you, and everyone, to these tweets from John Moe on the anniversary of his brother's death. Scott Tobias just posted them to Twitter in light of Tony Scott's suicide yesterday. I hope they help you and others to understand that you are not alone. It's a very silent but severe condition that strikes all too many of us, though it's rarely talked about. I am thankful that this message board exists where we don't judge people in this open forum to discuss their monsters, and often provide support and encouragement.

We like you Alex. We're rooting for you. You're better than your monster.

[smartbunny]

And when are your Book of Mormon tickets?? When are you coming to NYC?? Question marks??

[Alex Mac]

Boston, for the tour. Sorry. (Side note: Ew, New York...). Look if another person mentions professionals, I'll slap 'em because I'm doing it and started the minute I graduated from college. Got the closest thing to an emergency session I can manage a few towns over. Mostly because I got some questions for the doc at this rate (ie. "If I'm an adult, even currently living under the roof of his parents, incredibly depressed or not, is it even legal for my mother to hide my medication?", you know the fun questions.)

Started up a new tumblr. Stupid thing to do but I was making guide for games and other things so I wanted a fresh start. Keeping the old one for some creative writing for that old character of mine. Maybe I should let her go but she was me, in a way. The things I wanted to be. Not ready to give up there. Definitely not ready for comedy, unless it's improv. Can't and haven't written in years. Only appreciable goal I have is to get published somewhere because too many college professors encouraged me to for it to be a fluke. That and to head back to my school to drop off the tee shirts to my improv troupe I promised I'd get them (and dammit, depressed or not I keep promises!). Might talk to a friend there who is a Dominican friar. If only to explore life and spirituality from his perspective before finding another person to ask.

So, plans. Sort of. In between all that, I'll probably be laying down a lot. Hell, after the lake and fishing, my friend invited me to see some old girls we knew from school but if anything involves a) more than, like....6 people. b) women, of whom I get incredibly jealous. c) alcohol, which I've given up. and d) old friends....well, it tends to be something I shy away from. For now.

[smartbunny]

NYC IS GREAT TO VISIT!! Never, ever move here. Ever.

And listen to Alec, for he is one of my favorite tiny blond men.

[Liezl]

Chris Gethard answers an anonymous post on depression and suicidal thoughts. It's thoughtful and relevant to this thread.

http://thechrisgethardshow.tumblr.co...d-i-know-youve

[suavepebble]

So my mom has been ill with a blood clot for the last two months, which was depressing and worrisome enough. I just learned today that they scanned her lungs for more clots and found stage 4 lung cancer. They aren't even going to attempt chemo. They are saying 4-12 months to live. If anyone knows anything about this process, whether it be things I can do for her or for how to deal with this myself, please email me.

[isoS]

I'm really sorry to hear that man.

[SeanX3]

So rough. Very sorry. Love her up all you can.

[suavepebble]

Thank you, guys... truly. The hardest part is that I am half-way across the country and can't exactly afford to take 4-12 months off of work to spend this last bit of time she has left with her. So aside from this tragedy, there is a timing issue here that is haunting me. If I get out there too early I fear she will go through the worst of it alone.... and if I wait too long, I will miss spending time with her altogether. I found out about this literally six hours ago and I have no idea what to do... no idea. No fucking idea.

[Shauno]

delete

[Alex Mac]

I've slowly been learning that people sometimes just...leave. And sometimes that what they need. I had a friend who I was close with for years pretty much just up and fall off the grid. Someone I loved in every sense of the word. I know she's okay but that's all I know.

Well, that and the fact that if she ever needs anything, I'm on standby and ready. And sometimes that's all we can be. We can't force people to reach out to us and we can't necessarily even force people to take our hand when we reach out to them. But what we can always do is be ready for the times they do reach out.

It's hard to understand that one of the realities of living is that people who we care for, deeply and fully, can leave us. That reality hurts. Sometimes, I miss my friend so much, even knowing they're okay, that it hurts me. But even if they're gone or if we're not with them any more, that certainly doesn't mean that we can't still care for them. Friendship, love, all those things sort of sustain themselves and we can keep loving, keep holding on to our feelings of friendship so that...even in their darkest times, even if they have no idea that we still would accept them back or offer aid at the drop of a hat...in some strange, larger sense, they're never alone.

I know that my friend has no clue how often I think of her or wish for her happiness. She has no clue in the world. But now, if she were ever to be in trouble and feel utterly alone..and even still if she'll never know how much I still love her and even though I might not be able to help her...well, I'm still there for her in some large, weird, metaphysical way.

Maybe that's all New Age-y shit. I don't know. But it helps me sometimes to look at it like that. Sometimes people need to do the fighting themselves or need the time to readjust. But we can still always be cheering on the sidelines. Maybe they don't hear the cheering but the act itself is still important. Acts themselves have meaning and worth simply in the doing. And I think it's worth doing for all the people we love. The cheering, that is.

PS. Sorry for the sappiness.

[AnnE]

I found out about this literally six hours ago and I have no idea what to do... no idea. No fucking idea.

Sorry to read such sad news. Good thoughts and vibes to you and your mom.

I hope this doesn't seem like a simple or obvious offering but I would suggest setting up Skype for the two of you to communicate, if that's possible. It's a cheap (if you already have an ISP) option that allows you to see each other when you can't be there physically. Any even my dad, elderly and technically challenged, has no problem using it.

Good luck with everything and as someone else said, love on her all you can. That is the best thing you can do for her.

[aenemaTron]

Go now. Worry later.

[SeanX3]

The long distance thing is hard, all right. My parents are getting on and they're 3000 miles away. My wife's uncle just had a cancer scare and family flew in from all over the country to say their goodbyes. Then the doctors tweaked his blood pressure medicine and sent him home feeling great.

[SlyBattery]

Thank you, guys... truly. The hardest part is that I am half-way across the country and can't exactly afford to take 4-12 months off of work to spend this last bit of time she has left with her. So aside from this tragedy, there is a timing issue here that is haunting me. If I get out there too early I fear she will go through the worst of it alone.... and if I wait too long, I will miss spending time with her altogether. I found out about this literally six hours ago and I have no idea what to do... no idea. No fucking idea.

Parallels. Except with my great-grandma. Whom I am very close with. We have known she wasn't doing well for months and I was unable to be there because of the distance. Just today I got a call from my mom saying her condition has worsened and she may die in the next day or two so my family helped me with money for a ticket and I am rushing to see her before, I guess, she dies. The worst part for me is that I knew she was not doing well and I did not call because my own lingering depression has kept me isolated and now I might not get to talk to her at all before she passes on. Just a few weeks ago my brother texted me saying I should call her because she has been asking about how I have been and I am such a big ol' crybaby that I never did and I feel like the world's biggest asshole. It will probably haunt me my entire life.

So I guess all I can say to you is to do what you can to make sure she knows you love her and if you can't be there then at least call or write or whatever while the chance to is there.

[Alex Mac]

My attempts tonight to get my passive aggressive mother to actually talk to my sister about a petty issue was not too great. Which I admit is possibly due to a lack of tact on my part but also a concert of other things. I'm tried of people not opening up to each other. In a post above, I said that I thing that love and other things sustain but sitting on anger makes it fester. And adults, especially family, need to be able to speak to each other openly and honestly.

Odd rant, I know. But each day makes me lose my patience with these types of things. I might be depressed and borderline suicidal but I'm not false. There's no time for that in life, I don't think. And we should all have the magnanimity to be able to talk to each other. Or at least listen.

Hell, I don't even know why I wrote this here. It sounds like I'm speaking out of a sense of egotism but when you're down low, you begin to see the ways in which people don't really appreciate or manage what they have. And I got a lot of anger and hate in me so I'm probably a big hypocrite but I mean it. I'm tired of things left unsaid. Even small things like "Hey, I got mad today because you did..."; I feel like in this day and age we should know better.

[SeanX3]

It's a hard thing when you realize you're more mature than your family. But lighten your load—you don't have to drag anyone up with you. It's 100% enough to get on with one's own life. Don't stop loving your family, but you'll find others at your level for the important stuff.

[bao]

Thank you, guys... truly. The hardest part is that I am half-way across the country and can't exactly afford to take 4-12 months off of work to spend this last bit of time she has left with her. So aside from this tragedy, there is a timing issue here that is haunting me. If I get out there too early I fear she will go through the worst of it alone.... and if I wait too long, I will miss spending time with her altogether. I found out about this literally six hours ago and I have no idea what to do... no idea. No fucking idea.

Hey dude, first of all, I'm sorry and I'm really fucking sad for you. My old roommate went through this exact process a few years ago. There's obviously no right answer, but (as Tron said) I think you should go right now and spend some time with her right now. As the cancer advances she will be highly medicated and your chances to spend "good" time with her will be greatly reduced. So go now and plan another trip in a few months.

Most importantly, don't forget to pick up the phone. As often as you can/want.