dang i am sorry guys i forgot to read this forum after i posted the video, lol. i am very shocked a lot of you watched and enjoyed. I am very happy considering we didn't get off on the right foot, thanx a ton!
Every time Siggers posts all that goes through my mind is "Chosen One"
Every time Siggers posts all that goes through my mind is "Chosen One"
They moved my grandpa to a hospital in a bigger city which is good, I feel like the smaller one was neglecting him a lot. Talked to my aunt on the phone and in the same conversation she said "I don't know if he'll make it tonight" and "we should make a decision about nursing homes" so I think her own grief is getting in the way of adequately explaining what is going on. I have an exam I'd forgotten about on Friday but I'm going to phone the school tomorrow and see if they have any sort of policy on circumstances like these. If they do, I'll head out ASAP. If they don't, I suppose I'll have to wait until Friday.
Last edited by slothborn; October 7, 2012 at 9:09 AM.
Hi AST. I'm sort of upset that this is my big return post but my avenues have been shrinking. And I'm going to be taking a big risk on you here. There's a story to tell and I'll try to give the short version because the real one is...odd.
You might be asking why I'm turning here right now and not, say, calling a friend or talking to my mother. And that's a value question. Part of it is that I want to have some of my faith in humanity restored. I have a naive and stupid notion of the world. That people genuinely want to help others. At least, I know I do. A stranger, a friend. It might be trite but when I was a child, my dad told me once that the meaning of life was service to others. I've never forgotten that. So, in the last few days where I've had semi anonymous (but nevertheless important) friend abandon me. I want to see that the world's still good enough that there's a few people who want to help me just because I'm a person. Not because I'm their son or friend or relative. But because I'm a person. It sounds funny but that means a lot to me. To know that, whatever else, there's still some good folk in the world.
Besides, it's kinda like the end of Amadeus. You seen that right? Mozart gets sick during the performance of the Magic Flute and Salieri is the first to rush to help him even though Salieri's pretty fucked up and wants Mozart dead. But he stays the night to try to get Mozart to write the Requiem. And when Mozart's wife finds him in the apartment and asks why it had to be him, of all people, that got her husband home and without any irony, he says "Because, madame, I was at hand."?
Well, AST. You're at hand. And I really am taking a risk here. A big one. So let's do the quick version of things.
First off, I have bad panic attacks. We've all been there. For me, it generally stems from a fear of dying. I'm very afraid of a life lived poorly and the blackness that awaits me. I take benzos throughout the day for it. The other big thing is that I'm transgendered. Surprise, AST. Please don't hate me. Just me writing that is a big gamble and I know it. So there's stress from that. been coming out to my family, figuring out what life might have in store for me. So that sort of...stopped my comedy.
I turned to the internet a bit for an outlet. A lot of writing. Some RP, that kind of thing. Found a site full of people who were, if a bit heavy handed with moderation, still good people. Wrote with them for about two years. I had a close friend leave me after revealing they were a guy and that talking to me made them come out to their family. Was really hit hard by that. Thought I'd found a female friend to sort of guide me a bit. And I worry about them constantly despite the lie.
Started sinking a bit. Decided to reach out to other people on the site I was on. Some seemed open to helping. Others wanted no part. But when they did, I always backed off. I never pressed. But I was low. So I decided to take a break. Removed myself from stories we were writing and backed off. Friend was saying goodbye and asked me not to do anything drastic (since suicide was on my mind). Told them that even if I did do something they'd never know and most people there probably wouldn't care.
Was never intentionally abusive towards anyone. Only once got into a politics argument with someone and was a little snippy when mods would shut down writing plans for dumb reasons. (My character was a nice person, sort of the person I wanted to be and I recall in one thread I said they were passing out pastries to people and a mod was like "There's not that many people". To give an idea of their overbearing nature, my character was rejected at first because I never said they had flint in their inventory. But we don't use items like that. It's not, like, a DnD site. It's just an RP site. A little escape. I found that odd.)
So I decide to take the break. Want to peek on the site and see what people a writing but I'm banned. Apparently for being emotionally abusive. I know, melodrama about stupid stuff. Laugh at Alex. But it hit me hard. I tired to get an explanation. Tried to contact these people to appeal or at least have a say but I've been treated like poison. And from some people who knew me well. People who would exchange Christmas gifts with me. That kind of thing. And I know that online relationship and friendships are silly but this big abandonment has hurt me. Because when I reached out for help, and desperately needed it...no one was there. Worse yet, they'd decided that I was a burden and excised me like a tumor.
I have friends, real friends, who know about this. But my life's been on such a stand still that even getting out of bed is hard, let alone having lunch with a friend. i see doctors but it doesn't help as much. I only came out to my dad the other night because I had a knife in my room and snapped to my senses in time to call for him.
I feel very alone and afraid. And fundamentally abandoned. Some of my family knows, a few friends know. But I was part of a community and that felt good. And I was well liked, I thought (to quote from Death of a Saleman). Now? My support circle is smaller, I'm really suicidal. (Hide a knife in my room just in case.)
I'm so full of anger at all this and it's such a stupid little thing. But I thought that people would be good. I know I would never turn down a person in pain. Never. it's counter to my whole belief system. And pretty much everyone I had in that one community decided to back off and not even give me a voice anymore. Just flipped the switch on me. On a person.
I do want to die. If only to spite them for a second. To have them know that they could have saved a life but killed one. I'm totally miserable. I haven't written comedy in years, hate being around people because of the trans stuff, and just am generally tired.
I turn 23 on Sunday and I'm totally tired of life. And I'm trying. But I'm really drowning. And I'm taking a chance here AST. Is there anyone here who will help me? I don't feel like I have a lot of time left.
I'm going to call my sister. Probably come out to her tonight. But man, I don't know how I'm suppose to make it through these next few days. Or even these next few minutes.
First of all, call a suicide hotline if you feel anywhere near doing something drastic. I'm serious. I'm going to write a lot more but you need to see this first.
Second of all, take that knife out of your room. Promise me you wont use it.
Third of all, know that if you're feeling suicidal, it doesn't mean you have to come out. If you're feeling like you can't handle extreme emotions, then you don't have to right now. What's important is that you get yourself stable. Because you're worth it, no matter what your gender is. I'm not lying or speaking flippantly. The most painful part of you is the most valuable part of you. That's your humanity. It hurts because you have a lot of it. And a lot to deal with. But that doesn't mean it's not worth the fight.
My father came out as transgendered about 6 years ago. I was amazed at how I had almost no reaction to the news. I was surprised, but I knew immediately that the person I knew as my father hadn't changed. The good people in your life will feel the same way. And though your situation may make you feel alone, I assure you that there are others in similar situations who you could get in touch with. Or just good friends you have yet to meet.
I don't know what my path to stability is. I want understanding. I want the people who left me to understand that they left a person who was hurting deeply. And who never meant them any pain. I think about the suicide lines and I'm afraid that it will feel like something by rote. Obviously, they want to be there. They want to help people. But I think I crave acceptance by some peers. Of people who know me, even vaguely. Even if they just know my name. Having to turn to a doctor or a phoneline just make me feel like I have no one else.
First off yeah talk to suicide hotline and get any knives out of your room.
Second, I've never had to go through "Coming out" to anyone. I do have friends that have. (Not transgender but gay and lesbian.) It's a very stressful time but everyone feels better after. I think you'll find that most people will be cool with it. If someone isn't fuck'm.
If someone is a big enough dick to cut ties with you just because you're transgender they are probably the kind of person who won't care if you kill yourself. So doing it to spite anyone else doesn't really work.
Third: It would officially bum the shit out of me if you did kill yourself. I don't know you and it would still bum me out. I'm sure it will sadden a lot of people who care about you. Sometimes during the dark times it's hard to remember that.
Fourth: Avoid illegal drugs or alcohol. That shit won't help. You probably shout get something prescribed. At least something to help through these times. I'm on SSRIs. I don't think I would have gotten out of my depression without them.
Fifth: You can get through this. I've been in some dark ass shit in the past. Shaking on the floor. Wishing someone would just take me out like Old Yella. If you work at it you can get through it.
Sixth: You may have already looked into this but I feel like there has to be a good support group for transgenders. Try to find a non internet one. A place where you can meet people. The more real connections you make. The more human interaction you have. The more the suicidal thoughts will fade.
Seventh: Think of things you do when you're happy. Go do one of those things. Force yourself to do it. If you like going to play skeeball when your happy do that. It can help snap you out of your funk. Your mind sometimes reverse engineers its emotions.
"Not the victory but the action. Not the goal but the game. In the deed the glory."
I just don't know where I became the bad guy in all of it. By asking people for help? By being genuine? Like, the trans thing wasn't even what made them decide to kick me to the curb. It was that I was apparently being emotionally abusive but I was just looking for help in a community of people who i thought were peers and friends. How does that turn me into Snidely Whiplash or one of the chicks from Mean Girls?
And that's what they're gonna think of me as for the rest of their lives? Like, where's the justice in that? I've only ever tried to act good and handle myself well. And because I was legitimately scared and asked for a helping hand, I'm suddenly the bad one? Like, my mind can't comprehend it. Literally, I can't process the notion of people willfully turning away from someone in need. It's taken the cornerstone of my strange, proto-Humanist philosophy and completely shattered it. It's pretty much undone me.
I think I'm familiar with the type of feelings you're talking about. But you don't have to torture yourself by playing it back over and over again. Obviously I don't know what happened with that group, but its not worth this pain. No matter what, you didn't ask for this pain, you don't deserve it, and you can overcome it.
People can be assholes. And sometimes things don't work out. I know its terrible but sometimes it has to be as simple as that. You're not the bad guy. You deserve to be heard when you ask for help or when you look for genuine support.
And by the way, I'm not suggesting you talk to a suicide hotline or a doctor for no reason. It's because they are professionally trained to help with problems like this. I'm not, but I want to make sure you get help.
But seriously, I'm worried. I'm here, and I'll be there to talk whenever you need if you want. I pm'ed you my contact info, but I'm not sure if it worked.
But can you please promise that you'll get rid of the knife and that you'll call a suicide hotline if you feel like doing something to yourself?
I just want to second everything David and Ed have said, and add my support and concern. I don't know much about depression really, but I do know a little about message boards, and what I've noticed is that it's much easier for people to forget their humanity when interacting with screen names and avatars on a web page than it is in real life. We're all probably a little guilty of that at times. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings at all, I'm just saying that to expect genuine emotional support from people who are patronizing a role-playing site, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Meanwhile, back at the greatest message board on Earth, there are decent human brings who are concerned for your well being and want you to get through this. Why? I'll just speak for myself. I don't know you, but I know that if you found your way here and cared enough to post and make yourself at home amongst the rest of us misfits, it means you share a love of good comedy. You share a certain worldview. That is precious. Please do not throw it all away because some assholes who didn't deserve your trust abused it. Instead of dwelling on how that would make them feel, consider how it would make the rest of the people in your life feel. I assure you it would destroy people you love permanently.
Get help. Please. You can beat this thing, but you have to let others help you. I would imagine it will be a huge relief to let others share your psychic burden.
Ive been sitting here trying to figure out something to say for the past couple hours...
I used to be depressed in my early 20s too. My doctor put me on zoloft and I hated it. It may help others, but it left me feeling like a zombie, and I hated that more than the depression itself. In the end, what helped was focusing on the small things that made me happy, which eventually turned into building blocks that lead me to get better.
Like America's Team said, maybe it's skeeball... maybe it's going to the pet store and staring at puppies. The last time I was in the thick of a fog of depression, I forced myself to meet people (yelp, meetup.com, even on AST). Because turns out being alone with my thoughts just left me in an endless loop of crying and depression. In the end I found some small sliver of happiness in discovering delicious foods and bonding with people over them. Whatever triggers that small moment of happiness, find it. Trust me, eventually you'll feel like a human again.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. What I'm saying is we're as good a community as any, and we really want to help in any way possible here.
All I can say (with complete certainty) is that no one wants you to off yourself. Knives are only good for cutting delicious cakes and pies.
Alex you haven't posted in awhile and I hope you are still with us. Just wanted to let you know that another ASTer is out there concerned for you. I don't have a lot to add at the moment as I agree what the others have said. But sometimes when I am depressed just to get myself going and to change my mood I find that watching or listening to something funny that will make me laugh out loud really helps. Can't remember right now the whole details but there is that medical fact about laughter changing a persons mood. My standby mood changer, Never Not Funny Season One ep 16 or 52. If you are having trouble motivating yourself to get outside/out of bed at least you could put on some comedy right? Or Liezl said to go to the pet store and stare at puppies. If you don't think you can make it there yet, get hooked on this webcam of puppies being raised for recovering Service Members at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. http://explore.org/#!/live-cams/play...vice-puppy-cam It is on pretty much 24 hours a day. They will melt your heart.
Also, maybe you should try listening to Paul Gilmartin's podcast Mental Illness Happy Hour. Not saying you are nuts!! I don't have a lot of depression but have enjoyed listening how people work out their life problems and still work on them. I think you might find it helpful. And as Paul says, "You are not alone." You might think you are but really you are not.
Hope that you post soon.
"You're supposed to be the nerdy quiet guy. Why are you all of a sudden getting mouthy?" Jimmy to Matt
Alex, I'm also going through a depressive period, right now. I've suffered through them off and on in my life, though this is the harshest one in a while (due, legitimately, to some sad shit in my life, in addition to taking Chantix, which can cause some suicidal thoughts). It takes a certain kind of will to be able to look at your life in the middle of a torrential shit storm and truly believe that this too will pass. This is currently what I'm struggling with, as it seems you are. But I assure you that, honestly, this will pass.
We are both 23, and while I'm sure that our experiences in life are quite different, I can also say with some degree of confidence that this all does get better. Life can be a real monster sometimes, but it's only as important as we choose to make it. I'm typing this as I'm thinking about, so I apologize if this is stupid or makes no sense. What I mean to say is that we are stronger than those periods where our dumb brains try to convince us to do the most ultimately destructive thing. We are strong enough to live our lives, and wade through the waters of sluggish depression. Please stick this out, if only to prove to yourself that you can do it.
I will if you will.