Depression

[beccaBeccaBECCA]

I used to post in this thread a while ago. Here's an update: I've been doing really well - depression-wise. Getting out of the house, talking to human people, doing stand up for three weeks now. YES - this coincides with my Prozac use, which I was at first hesitant to admit... but you know what? I'm feeling so much better that I really have no shame about where the improvement has come from.

I've also been working out and eating better so that may have something to do with the overall FEELING BETTER thing. I'm just getting used to being social again, honestly.

After cooping myself up for YEARS, it's a bit weird being back out there several night a week TALKING TO PEOPLE, but better that than the alternative.

[Trinsky]

You made my day, Becca 3x. Thank you.

I'm feeling so much better that I really have no shame about where the improvement has come from.

THIS. Shame and mistrust kept me from getting proper treatment until my 30s, even though I've had depression my whole life. I try not to think of the years I lost, but they are definitely there.

Congratulations, Becca. That fucking rules.

[Steven_M]

I've been dealing with anxiety my whole life, and decided to get help for it because it really started to affect my ability to care for my child. I got prescribed an anti-depression medicine which is supposed to help with anxiety, and it did! But it felt like everything else in my life suffered.

My writing suffered immensely. I stopped caring about my personal hygiene, and now I feel depressed because I realized I can't get anything done/achieved unless I'm completely on edge about it, which is rarer now.

I don't know what to do. I feel like an everyman (a Ham and Egger, if you will) to everyone but myself.

I've been off the pills for a few months now (I did group therapy for anxiety too) and whilst I feel I can handle everyday situations much better than before, my creativity is minimal, and my motivation is lower.

My heart is telling me to get back on the pills, and talk about a way to get back in to a regular rhythm. But my brain is telling me to get some funyuns instead. They always make you feel better.

[Trinsky]

The lack of motivation, lack of creativity, and apathy towards hygiene, do not sound like results one wants from an anti-depressant. That sounds like me before I went on an antidepressant.

I'm no doctor, but it seems likely you were either on the wrong drug or the wrong amount of it. Sometimes a medication will take you too far in the other direction before settling back down in that wonderful middle ground, especially in the first couple months.

I'm on my 4th AD and they've all had different side effects - it can take a lot of time and patience to find the right treatment plan for this stuff, so I hope you'll listen to your heart and talk to your doctor.

I'm a self-appointed talk-show-host today, apparently. Let's just roll with it. CLEVELAND OHIO, GO.

[SteveAgee]

I know I've touched on my panic dissorder/depression on quite a few podcasts, but I recently did an episode of Paul Gilmartin's "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" where I really talk in depth about some stuff that I usually don't mention. I haven't followed this thread a lot and don't really know if Paul's podcast is mentioned much on AST (because it's not really a comedy podcast), but here's the link: http://mentalpod.com/Steve-Agee-podcast I hadn't listened to it until Paul asked me to do it, then I kind of crammed and listened to a bunch all at once. It's a pretty great thing that Paul is doing and I highly recommend it.

[Cliffalus]

... here's the link: http://mentalpod.com/Steve-Agee-podcast

Can't wait to check it out. Currently all I hear is Pete Holmes in my headphones.

It's interesting that this thread exists. Such a common thing among comedians. I was on pills for a while but I have personal hang-ups with the pharmaceutical industry in general and hate that one pill that works on one person doesn't work for another. That kind of confusion is great for business, terrible for personal development.

So I went off the pills cold turkey. Don't do that. The after-effects were awful and I went through two weeks of vertigo. True story, almost passed out on stage. Did the whole set leaning on a stool in the "half-way through a heart attack" position. BUT. After that, I took some steps to make things better. Because, obviously I was on the pills for a reason.

Step 1: Started going to counseling. For me it was alcohol counseling, free through the city. Just a long wait list. My sessions are alcohol and depression oriented but there's all sorts of programs available. Not sure if that's just a Canadian thing but I'd think there would be similar programs in place in America.

Step 2: I got busy. For me, I can't be alone. That's just how it is. So I'm sort of tricking myself. But I work three jobs. During the week I'm a support worker for adults with mental and physical disorders. A few evenings I work as a supervisor to higher functioning disabled people as they clean churches, offices, etc. Then on weekends I work at a used book store. Plus I perform 3-5 times a week. It's not exhausting because for me it's what I need. The busier I am, the better. Even if that's just an illusion. I don't have time to think of myself.

Step 3: When I get free time. I write. Take on projects. Tweet like a motherf*cker. Go on enjoyable sites like AST or read a comic or use Scorpion to beat up Sub Zero or drink tea on the balcony. Anything to not think about my problems.

By no means has this lead to a healing process but I went from being barely cognitive to being highly productive. It's not a perfect plan, but it's a plan.

PS: Pete Holmes and Greg Fitzsimmons just finished talking about jerking off mormons.

[Colemancoxstandup]

I have no idea what's going on. I'm at the library, possibly with someone reading off of my window. HELLO!
How I'm feeling is scary to me, because I'm looking at my dad's horrible history with drinking and my mom's history with bi-polar disorder, and I can't help but worry about what I might be developing. As a kid I was dubbed ADHD, so from 8-ish to 16-ish I was on medication for the disorder. Ritalin, first, and then daily doses of aderal, inclucing other brands that I don't remember. Between The months of June and October of this year, my general view was that I was headed up in the world, and that I was making good decisions. But a few things happened.
1. I started talking with my friends from early in High School, and also started joining in with their drug experimentation.
2. There's a person that feelings always emerge for, who came back, and subsequently left.
I'm in a hurry so this is all terribly explained, but basically. I've been having serious mood swings recently, along the lines of "Oh, I should just relax, everything will work out, all I have to worry about, really, is applying myself and trying, and this comedy business will work out" Then "I am a worthless peice of shit and every good thing I think is a delusion. These plans that I have been making suck and I will end up in a ditch. In addition to this, I am an even worse person because these thoughts are probably trash in the face of people starving in the world, poverty, all of my other friends' problems."
This seemed like the best place to vent. I am so worried, but I won't be...and then I will be again.
I can't get any kind of clarity, because my outlook on life keeps on changing, and I can't get any clarity with this girl because she just won't talk about it.
Once I feel like she's shy so I should try and talk to her and get her to open up.
Then, no, I'm pathetic, she's got a boyfriend, she's in college and she's got friends, she's good.
Then, well, you at least need to not be a dickhead and talk to her, because it would be weak to cut her out of her life and not talk to her just because you can't handle your feelings.

I'm experiencing cycling feelings like that for everything in my life. The way I dress, horrible, then fashionable. My comedy, over the top and un-informed, then precient and hilarious.

Ack.

[Americas Team]

It sounds like you are having a manic episode. This sounds cliche but the first thing you need to do is just take a breath.

There is a lot going on here. When I'm in my depressed state it always reminds me of my messy adolescent room. At first I would leave a pair of socks out. Then I would just throw my jacket on the floor. After awhile the room would be a shambles. I would look at it and be overwhelmed. I knew I had to clean it but it was no longer just a sock but a fucking pile that seemed impossible to dismantle like a Katamari Damacy ball.

The first thing I try to do now is separate issues. I try to make it more manageable.

Comedy career and plans: I live in Hollywood. I see people with houses, TV shows and great careers who are miserable. They have the same feelings you, and I, have. I always try to keep in mind that I know what I'm doing is what I want to be doing no matter how successful I will be at it. Robert Frost that shit. You're on the path less chosen but that is the only one for you.

Just know that where you are is where your supposed to be.* Make sure you're not sitting around doing nothing. If you have a great script idea write it. etc. Focus on the process and reward yourself for working on things. You have limited control on the results. So pay attention to your actions.

The Girl: Well this is a bit complicated and the details are sketchy. The main thing is not to obsess. It sounds like she has another relationship. So maybe the best thing is to let it go. This has no reflection on you. Relationships are not just "We would be perfect together" or "We care for each other." A lot of it has to do with timing. It sounds like this is not a good time. Be cool let it go. If it comes back around maybe it will be the right time.

I know it sounds simplistic but sometimes you just have to stop thinking about things. For a person with depression actual situations can become addictive. It can be nice, and distracting, to think about a super complex, heart breaking, unattainable relationship instead of trying to get out there and meet someone who is ready to be with you.

The overall shit: It sounds like you have extreme ups and downs. One stand up set you think your doing great. The next set you hate comedy and are looking at MBA programs. One moment you feel like the charmingest person in the world. The next no one loves you because you didn't get an Evite to a bowling party.

The thing I've had to do is find a middle emotional ground and really develop it. Depression tends to color things in black and white but a lot of life is gray. Getting my order wrong at Outback Steak House shouldn't send me spiraling down a dark fucking hole. That is a gray situation. I should shrug and move on not carve my name in the fucking table. (They said there is no rules!!!!)

It took a lot of work. I think I've gotten better at it but I had the help of a therapist. If you continue to feel like this you really should get someone to talk to. I'm partially talking out my ass. So getting someone with training would be the best thing.


*I think I stole this from a Patton Oswalt interview.

[Colemancoxstandup]

Very nice. I don't have allot of time. Still using the library's computer, but I fell like it reading that helped. Gracias.

[SeanX3]

I have found the technique of writing down specific thoughts from that Feeling Good book super helpful. I think it's in the chapter on procrastination and the idea is that you write down whatever specific self-defeating thought you have, physically write it down, so you can look at it rationally. Of course, they're never rational or reasonable, and it's much easier to see that, and self-soothe some common sense into yourself, once you see it written down. I've written down some really ridiculous shit in the past few weeks, stuff I've carried in my head for years. It's been very, very helpful, despite how simplistic/self-helpy it sounds.

[Kon Darp]

I just started reading that book, thanks for the recommendation. I'm only a few chapters in, but already it's bothering me. He keeps trying to talk like how a depressed person thinks, and it comes out like a cartoon of a sad person.

I'm going to stick with it because I'm quitting weed for a while and have some time on my hands, but I'd be interested in other books people have found helpful.

[SeanX3]

http://www.suicideforum.com/bdc/index.html

This morning I scored 3/100 for depression, i.e. no depression. When I first took that test I scored 51, quite bad.

Still have all my worries and irritations, and I've been sick for three weeks, but those, apparently, are separate from depression. My daughter's back in school, had some work success last week, took it easy this weekend, it's the last day of winter, etc. — too many variables to consider but it's nice to be in a good space. I credit that book with helping me a good deal.

[Sarah]

56/100. Ha.

[davidd]

My score was in the seventies, but I always get pretty bad scores on these type of things. I did think it was funny that the test differentiated between "Feeling sad or down in the dumps" and "feeling unhappy or blue"

[SeanX3]

Jesus, I felt pretty fucking lousy in the 50s. Sending you unhelpful positive internet sentiments.

[slothborn]

.

[Bryan_]

61. At least I passed.

[davidd]

Jesus, I felt pretty fucking lousy in the 50s. Sending you unhelpful positive internet sentiments.

Ha thanks- Yeah, I have a pretty consistent depression that hasn't really responded to therapy or anti-depressants or other drugs. (except adderall, but that's a whole other story) I've learned to live with it mostly, so I'm ok. It just means I feel like Eddie Pepitone all the time.

[jkwall]

53. I'm a fun guy.

[suavepebble]

I scored a 41. 39 of the 41 have to do with having a dumb fucking job that takes up my entire life when I'm supposed to be a fucking genius who is heralded and shit.

If anyone wants to offer me a cool job as a heralded genius please don't hesitate to email me. Thanks guys.