I knew you just wanted to be friends and not lovers when you called me dude AND bro IN THE SAME FUCKING TEXT.
"I am not a party animal!" -- The Elephant Man at Spring Break
Every soul's got a price and mine's two slices of pizza.
"I cried a river and drowned the whole world. This is my story." -- a girl
Suffering from high self-esteem? Become a stand-up comedian!
I don't mean to brag but I've performed comedy in some of the finest pizza parlors and bowling alleys this world has to offer...
I like my coffins like I like my men: with me inside them.
I SHALL BECOME A BAT.
I'm now making an effort to be the new breakout twitter funnyman with gems like:
"Is facebook's I.P.O. an opportunity for me to remind you that Rusty Bedsprings was written by I.P.Daily?"
"Does this desk drawer full of empty soda cans make me look fat?"
""...everytime I wake up back in the jungle" -colourful frog"
and those are just from the last hour! (work freeze here at work, surfin the web)
get more @floordje
Last edited by Ghost Dad; May 18, 2012 at 2:59 PM.
If you're not following me on Twitter (https://twitter.com/WhiteMale), then you're missing gems like these:
Kinda feel like rubbing one out, guys.
Remember when there was just one set of footprints in the sand? That's when I sat down to tweet this. Hang back, bro.
Wouldn't it be ironic if someone did an impression of Frank Caliendo?
Just got the following text from the last woman I dated: "Ugh. I want to push u down a flight of stairs." We have not spoken since April!
Text I received last night from the last woman I slept with: "The screams and cries of the neighbors' children reminded me of you."
Text from last woman I slept with: "Buy me a skateboard." She is 32.
Last woman I dated: "Why are you trying to look into my soul?! There's nothing in there."
Last woman I dated: "Fuck fun." (Said while watching a child play with a ball.)
Text I just received from the last woman I dated: "Have u ever shaved a girls pussy?" (I have not.)
Marriage looks like it kinda sucks, if I'm reading these bus stop ads for the Whitney Cummings sitcom correctly.
1st the Holocaust, now this Whitney Cummings sitcom. Mankind's got a lot of explaining to do.
How many morons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, their assistants do it while they write that new Whitney Cummings sitcom.
History's greatest monsters: Hitler, Stalin, Larkin, Jeff Dahmer, Vlad the Impaler & the guy who greenlit the Whitney Cummings sitcom.
Christ died for our sins but even he can't find forgiveness in his heart for the makers of that Whitney Cummings sitcom.
Sartre was probably thinking of the makers of the Whitney Cummings sitcom when he said "hell is other people."
Miss, I can see your panties through your sweatpants...and I like what I see!
Sometimes I think all my problems would be solved with a simple fauxhawk...
I bet hell's waiting room has a framed poster of Bob Marley on one of its walls.
Suicidal comedian in the Catskills: "Take my life, please!"
Joseph Stalin REALLY knew how to paint the town red!
Thinking about eating @ McDonald's because I hate my body AND the next woman who sleeps with me.
I'm here to peel 2 things, panties & oranges. & I'm all out of oranges.
Probably going to stop watching "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" any minute now.
Listening to "Surfa Rosa" in bed, pantsless. About to tear into a bag of apple crisps. My life begins today!
Thing I've actually said after sex: "Oooh, a glass of milk would be great!"
The sadder a woman looks, the more I want to fuck her.
"If it feels good, do it." -- person who's never been raped
"The family that spays together stays together!" -- tagline for movie about family of veterinarians
Briefly considered throwing my phone into the Los Angeles River; tweeted this instead.
Homeless dude just nodded @ me. He knows what's up.
Eat of my slider.
I saw what you did Best Buy.
Target has Sunkist on tap @ Food Avenue. Your move, Wal-Mart.
One thing that's missing from my life is more hardcore pussy-play.
Just 4 more followers and I'll achieve enlightenment!!!
I won't be satisfied until everyone is unsatisfied.
Neighbors are fucking or fighting, not sure which. Either way I am going to jerk off.
1st we get the money, then we get the power, then we get the women, then we settle down & raise a family.
Big Wang's cheesy bread is "served with MOM'S pasta sauce for dunkin'." SNACK A DOODLE DOO!!!
The next time I cum inside a woman, I'm gonna scream "SNACK A DOODLE DOO!!!"
I guess the best thing about tweeting is all the primo gash I get from doing it all day.
The average white person is more worried about a black male than blackmail.
I toppled a corrupt government with a series of scathing op-ed pieces. I'm a bad daddy!!!
I would go without sex for the rest of my life if someone would just cancel "The Office" right now.
A vampire's beer of choice? Bloodweiser!!! I VANT TO MAKE YOU LOL!
COME on. What do I gotta do to get more real followers? This is quality, people.
The tagline for Texas Chainsaw 3D is "It Happened Before, It's Happening Again." Sorry, every other movie, they beat you to it.
I tremble for my country when I reflect that the Jolie-Pitt kids will eventually have twitter accounts.