I knew you just wanted to be friends and not lovers when you called me dude AND bro IN THE SAME FUCKING TEXT.
"I am not a party animal!" -- The Elephant Man at Spring Break
Every soul's got a price and mine's two slices of pizza.
"I cried a river and drowned the whole world. This is my story." -- a girl
Suffering from high self-esteem? Become a stand-up comedian!
I don't mean to brag but I've performed comedy in some of the finest pizza parlors and bowling alleys this world has to offer...
I like my coffins like I like my men: with me inside them.
I SHALL BECOME A BAT.