Post Your Best Tweets

[@JameySuede]

With so many funny people around and no way of ever seeing all the streams, I thought i would be nice to set up a thread for people to post their best tweets??

I look forward to being entertained.

[@JameySuede]

Too Narcissistic?????

[beccaBeccaBECCA]

You know no one is going to go first, right? Post your own, threadstarter!

[Umlaut]

Here's one I wrote while stoned last night:

In honor of the classic Skip-It commercials, I will be getting a tattoo of a counter on one of my testicles. (The very best thing of all...)

[crlygrl]

I think Twitter is me at my least-funny.

[aenemaTron]

You know no one is going to go first, right? Post your own, threadstarter!

Also, no one likes your avatar.

eh, here's this:

RT @TMZ Rich Cronin from '90s boy band LFO died after a long fight with leukemia... // guess Chinese food did make him sick. Extremely so.

[beccaBeccaBECCA]

Would I be an asshole for posting like... 20 tweets? I have little to no naturally occurring e-tact.

Can we also brag about who follows us on Twitter or would that be untoward? Please advise.

[mike_b]

I mostly use twitter for having one-sided conversations w/ celebrities. (Some of whom post here.) I'm trying to post interesting stuff.

[James Smann]

I decided to use tweets that others deemed good enough to RT as my criteria:

One reason I always look forward to morning showers: seeing my naked body. #UntrueTweet

#inadequatemovies There's Nothing Interesting At All About Mary

Guys! Vodka and orange juice tastes good!

Billy on #Parenthood, Alec on #30Rock. Did NBC change its name to the #NationalBaldwinCorporation?

[nick]

Can we also brag about who follows us on Twitter or would that be untoward? Please advise.

The only famous follower I have is Peter Serafinowicz, who started following me out of nowhere, even before I started following him. It was a couple of minutes after I posted this:

"I don't care what anybody says, Dr. Who is the best medical procedural on TV. And I normally don't care for the Japanese."


I'm also proud of this unplanned Twitter back and forth with my friend Lance:

http://midnightsociety.org/2010/07/2...ety-comic-con/

[allansteiner]

A few favorites:

Food. ... Food? ... Food! ... (food) #AndRepeat

On the way home from work today I remembered that the movie 'From Justin to Kelly' exists, then I laughed for like 8 minutes.

Oh god, I should not have given up pooping for lent... 2 days left.

Is it so wrong of me to think that this serial killer had pretty good taste in women... and children?

You should totally follow me! (@allansteiner)

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

The only famous follower I have is Peter Serafinowicz, who started following me out of nowhere, even before I started following him. It was a couple of minutes after I posted this:

"I don't care what anybody says, Dr. Who is the best medical procedural on TV. And I normally don't care for the Japanese."


I'm also proud of this unplanned Twitter back and forth with my friend Lance:

http://midnightsociety.org/2010/07/2...ety-comic-con/

I love that joke. Serafinowicz was right to follow you.

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Here is the one I'm most proud of that NO ONE RE-TWEETED SAD FACE:

Jerry Seinfeld drunkenly wanders into a dark alley in an unfamiliar neighborhood. This is the moment airline food finally gets its revenge.

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Here are some more I'm somewhat less proud of:

Does anyone remember what I was doing on October 21, 1997? There's some cops here and I can't answer any of their questions.

What's got two thumbs and a hideously burned body? The three armed alien I set on fire last night!

You shouldn't poke fun. Fun has PTSD from being molested by its Uncle Gary when it was 6.

Just once I wish a stranger would hand me some microfilm or some blueprints instead of the usual vials of crack.

A fun thing to do is whenever people are rattling off some science-y stuff on a Star Trek show is to say "That's how I make love!"

I've never been more insulted than when my doctor told me I was "neurologically unremarkable." How DARE he.

Now here's a jimmy joke about your mama that you might not like: I heard she really enjoys the work of Jimmy Smits.

Trying to enter @RealCarrotTop 's prop contest, having a hard time fashioning dignity out of papier mache

I have a friend who is so socially awkward that he really believes The Office is a documentary.

I kind of miss McDonald's clueless-about-black-culture ads aimed at black people. Why don't you cry about the loss of those, Glenn Beck?

Writing an interracial romantic comedy called "Polly Wants A Cracker"

[Big McLargehuge]

Toddlers be trippin'.

[Babs]

@BabsGray says:

Location Manager's Guild party at the Henry Fonda next week...Main topic will again be on the difficulties of locating a girlfriend.

I CANT LISTEN TO THE MUSIC ALL THE TIME, DOOBIE BROTHERS, LEAVE ME THE F ALONE.

I wonder how how many Republicans who voted for prop 8 have tried to suck their own dick... #AllOfThem

I want to make a shirt with some fat black guys on it that says "THESE BROTHERS DON'T RUN"

"Hey, who parted?" - One of Moses' followers at the Red Sea.

Joey Lawrence is coming out with a new tell-all book about his struggles with fame at a young age. It's titled "Whoah!...Is Me".

2 Live Crew, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar #moviemashups

[beccaBeccaBECCA]

A fun thing to do is whenever people are rattling off some science-y stuff on a Star Trek show is to say "That's how I make love!"

I've never been more insulted than when my doctor told me I was "neurologically unremarkable." How DARE he.

Those two are very funny!

While I compile my tweets, I'll brag about who follows me: PFT, Mike Sacks (And Here's the Kicker), Ted Travelstead, Scott Jacobson (Daily Show), Curtis Gwinn (Human Giant, Onion)... and some other comedy writers and comics.

What happened was... I found some sex tapes in bulk at an estate sale this one time, so I'm gently blackmailing a lot of people.

[RoyalDutchOfDukes]

Those two are very funny!

While I compile my tweets, I'll brag about who follows me: PFT, Mike Sacks (And Here's the Kicker), Ted Travelstead, Scott Jacobson (Daily Show), Curtis Gwinn (Human Giant, Onion)... and some other comedy writers and comics.

What happened was... I found some sex tapes in bulk at an estate sale this one time, so I'm gently blackmailing a lot of people.

Thank you! I find the idea of gently blackmailing someone equally funny.

[Vercetti]

Some of my tweets that have been retweeted:

He smiled at his Juggalette & said "C'mon, the first Faygo is on me," as they walked to theFreshasscomedy tent. #lastlinesofbadromancenovels 6:19 PM Sep 13th

Writing my own remake of 'Eat, Pray, Love' called 'Shit, Die, Fuck'. Gonna be awesome! 3:25 PM Aug 17th

The fight scene in They Live reminds me of when I used to work retail. 12:11 PM Jul 22nd

The ads for 2012 are a lot funnier if you imagine that it's about the apocalyptic adventures of Lloyd Dobbler. 12:28 PM Mar 7th

I miss my old job. Not sure why. You'd think those laser-guided missiles would be more accurate. 11:45 AM Apr 23rd

The BP oil spill animal pics are heartbreaking. I try to pretend they're just at Woodstock '94 but it doesn't work. 7:12 AM Jun 11th

My pick for the World Cup? Two girls. #worldcup 2:23 PM Jun 11th

The Mel Gibson tapes being released episodically one at a time makes me think of them as a darker 'Trapped in the Closet'. 3:53 PM Jul 14th

When people say "take it to the next level" I first assume they're talking about Scientology. Then I assume they're probably a douche. 12:19 PM Aug 12th

If THE EXPENDABLES were really about expendable people they would have cast FRANK Stallone. 2:28 PM Jul 23rd

Follow Friday: @foxnews @sarahpalinUSA @seanhannity @glennbeck @melgibson @adolphhitler @John_Kreese @johnmayer #awfulfollowfriday 8:24 PM Jul 23rd

[KeithTalent]

I'm not going to put my "best" tweets, I'm going to put ones that I seemed alone in enjoying as much as I did. Won't that be fun for you to read?

Ugh, A Music Thing #ennuimovies

After I said this:

In ten years the "sexy librarian" stereotype will be a hipster girl with short hair and sleeve tattoos. #futurecliches

I tried to start the tag #futurecliches but it didn't work. It is the greatest disappointment of my life.

Listen I wasn't cloned, memory-implanted and hyper-aged to my current state yesterday, although that is entirely plausible. #futurecliches

In 2060 it's a hack observation that real women are irrational, while fuckbots are too coldly logical. And neither are funny. #futurecliches

I'm no bigot, I just believe marriage should be between two carbon-based organisms. Some of my best friends are sulfur-based. #futurecliches

These kids with their holobrains and mood-organs have no respect for those who choose to remain corporeal. #futurecliches

Europans are polite enough but everybody knows they look down on anyone without gills. #futurecliches

I could beat you with three tentacles tied behind my carapace. #futurecliches

If you see the teeth of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal do not think the Beast is smiling at you. #futurecliches

Also there was a #scificelebs tag and I said Shia Hulud. I just absolutely kill me.

I don't think anyone who was #predictingkanyetweets expected "I'M REALLY INTO THE BAROQUE PERIOD"

WHAT Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT ANDREA POZZO #predictingkanyetweets

Steve Agee said something about seeing a hot pregnant girl and I replied "She got knocked up, but she'll get down again."

Isn't it the worst when you're texting "anal" and the phone thinks you typed "cock."

Maybe later I'll put some of my hysterical fake quotes from Prairie Home Companion and travel slogans for the state of Florida!

This is the worst thread of all time, isn't it.

Oh, you know, just living la vida loca.