Craziest Shit You Ever Done Seen

[Keith Whitener]

I saw a guy today with the word "mom" tattooed onto his forehead. He was going for a bike ride with a woman who may or may not have been his mother. What am I talking about. Of course it was his mother. Would any woman other than his mother be seen with him after this? In fact, I now suspect that there's something wrong with the mother for going out with her son at all.

What's the craziest shit you ever done seen?

[Lil G]

I saw a guy getting the absolute shit kicked out of him one night near Georgetown University. He was drunk and lying on a street corner and this guy was yelling at him and repeatedly kicking him.

Craziest shit I ever done been a part of was getting arrested for gambling in a huge poker raid. ALE, Sheriff, State Patrol, all kinds of mofos came in and arrested about 80 people, confiscating $72,000+ and gaming tables. Quite surreal.

[Famous Police Dog]

I keep forgetting to tell Arch this story.

One time me an my friend were in downtown Chicago near the Union Station, when a lunatic in a suit started screaming shit. He had a bag with him and when he approached the Chicago River he reach into the bag and started throwing cell phones into the river. After the couple he dumped the bag out, walked past us, and called my friend a cocksucker.

I was still in high school so cell phones were still a luxury than a necessity, I believe.

[TimBuktu]

I was at a McDonald's in Chicago and a homeless man came in and started asking everyone, one by one, for change. Everyone politely said no and he'd move on to the next table. No one wanted to deal with it, heads were kept down... Until he approached a man with two stumps for arms, who promptly stood up and started screaming and flailing his stumps around... "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE".

I finished my #1 and left.

[Scammy Davis Boogah Jr.]

Ha ha, you ate #1...

Jesus Christ, y'all should move to Oakland. That stuff all happens on any trip lasting more than 2 minutes on AC Transit.

I've been farted on by the homeless, had my life threatened for my 'White man's thoughts', and once sat behind a man who just rocked back and forth mumbling, "Can't save the family" and then finally said, 'Uh-oh' and shit his pants.

[J.B.]

Saw a guy have a heartattack once in NYC. Very simple and very scary.

[MrDys]

I was trapped on a subway during the 96 Olympics due to a bomb threat. Atlanta summer heat + packed subway = people passing out and lots of panicking.

[smartbunny]

I saw a squirrel fall (jump?) out of a tree in Washington Square park, bounce off a guy's head who was walking under the tree, then land in front of the guy, stunned. Then bolted. The guy looked at me and said, "DID you SEE that??"

[drieux]

One hungover morning while at the Burger King at Fisherman's Wharf here in San Francisco, while standing in line to order another guy came up to the counter, slammed his glass on the counter and pointed at the lady taking orders and shouted, "THIS IS FOR YOU!! CLEAN IT UP!!!!"

The cup was full of pee.

Turns out, he tried to use the bathroom and when he was told he needed to show his receipt to get into the locked restroom, that small bit of protocol was enough to send him into a rage that inspired him to fill his own cup with piss while sitting at his booth and thusly take it back to the minimum-wage employees to show them how much they had wronged him.

[Berliner]

One hungover morning while at the Burger King at Fisherman's Wharf here in San Francisco, while standing in line to order another guy came up to the counter, slammed his glass on the counter and pointed at the lady taking orders and shouted, "THIS IS FOR YOU!! CLEAN IT UP!!!!"

The cup was full of pee.

Turns out, he tried to use the bathroom and when he was told he needed to show his receipt to get into the locked restroom, that small bit of protocol was enough to send him into a rage that inspired him to fill his own cup with piss while sitting at his booth and thusly take it back to the minimum-wage employees to show them how much they had wronged him.

And then did they kick Meen out?

[ArtsyMcShitshimself]

and then did they kick meen out?

boom!

[Jack]

Two days ago I saw something that made me lose, renew and lose my faith in humanity.

A woman and her kid are running down subway stairs to get on the train. They were running like crazy. The kid runs down and is grabbing the door to hold it open. Mom is five stair steps away from the platform and trips. She just flies into the air. Looks like slow motion in my mind. But it all happens so quickly nobody can do anything but gasp.

Between her and me is a kid in a stroller who is peering over the edge at the shenanigans. And I can't exactly see if she's okay when she slams face first into the subway platform, so I think, "Hey, this kid is staring at some hurt person with blood all over the place..."

But she eventually gets up, brushes herself off and is fine. No blood. No nothing.

As she brushes off the kid in the stroller sticks his chubby arms in the air and simply goes "Hooooo-ray!"

And then whoever is taking care of the kid pushes his arms down and says "Shhhh, be quiet..."

There's also a story about me (when I was a teen) going out to get the Sunday Daily News for my dad on Saturday night and being greeted by a bloody faced transvestite at the newsstand and the guys behind the counter asking him to please not bleed on the newspapers or else he had to buy them. But that's the whole story. The end.

[DROCK]

I was once in this shitty metal band. It was 1989 and I was taking vocal lessons from the local "Heavy Metal Vocal Coach"! He was one of those guys with a super high range, and he was a pretty decent teacher. His big thing was breath control, and watching how you stand when you go for the "high notes". The reason for this, he explained, is because when you are pushing that hard from your diaphragm it is very easy to, involuntarily, relax muscles elsewhere on your Body. In other words: Be careful or you WILL shit your pants!
One weekend my teacher took me to see one of his students in this douchebag Glam Band.
Apparently, this guy had a five octave range and was my teacher's prized pupil. The band was playing in this shitty Chinese restaraunt and they came out on stage in full spandex. They even had a fog machine and lights!! The band started into their song when trouble started. My teacher leaned over to me and said "This is the song where he hits this wicked high note. Watch this!" .
Only moments later does he lean over to me: "Uh oh. Something's not right. He's not standing straight enough." then he pokes my shoulder and says "this could be really bad." .
It was just then that the band hit this crescendo and "Dynamic Male Vocalist" goes for this shrieking high note. For a moment things looked alright: the band was tight, the note was high.
Then the singer did something weird: he rocked back on his haunches and started to walk off the stage like a sand-crab. He looked VERY uncomfortable! The band just kinda...wound down, and stopped playing.
Then the drummer threw up. All of the sudden the club was filled with the smell of a dirty
baby diaper.
My teacher told me to hang out while he went backstage to check on things and came out
minutes later laughing his ass off. Apparently, the guy filled his spandex pants to the point
where it was just coming out everywhere and all over the stage. He didn't bring a change of clothes either.

[hound]

you took the title of this thread literally

[CaptainBreakfast]

Impressive, I like.

[charles star]

About two years ago I was out for a late night stroll with my wife through the Parade Grounds just South of Prospect Park in Brooklyn. It was pretty empty except for a guy on a park bench. As we got closer we saw that the guy was not alone. There was a woman on her knees giving him head.

And a six year old sitting next to him on the bench.

[Harry Bongers]

A few years ago I lived with two other guys one of whom was a guy I kind of knew from high school, and he seemed normal enough. One weekend he tells us that his mom and her boyfriend will be visiting us and staying the weekend. No problem. They show up Friday evening, wasted. They both had Tim Horton's Road Mugs full of rye. The boyfriend, Dale, is wearing tight black jeans, a white t-shirt, a leather vest and a pair of those 3/4 boots with the heel and a zipper up the side. Dale sits down and starts talking to my other roomate and I. He's telling us how he's into art and offers to draw a portrait of me in his unique medium. He gets some paper and sticks his fingers into the ash tray and draws my face in cigarette ashes. Then he somehow he ended up telling us this story:

"I was at a bar awhile back and I look up and I see this woman I used to go with, and her daughter. She's all grown up now. So the mother goes to the bathroom and I walk over to the girl and I tap her on the shoulder and I go 'Hey, I used to wipe your ass. HA! She don't know what to make of me.' The mom comes back and we get to talking and next thing I know we're back at her place. We start getting it on and she's giving me a blowjob so I reach over for the bottle of rye on the nightstand and pour some on my crotch to make it interesting for her. So she's going and I light a smoke and drop the fucking match right on my crotch. Whole fucking thing ignites. Her hair is singed and I'm beating at my crotch with a pillow. I got third degree burns on my pecker and her eye brows are burnt."

So, like most people I'm sure, Pete and I immediately call bullshit. Dale stands up and goes "Oh yeah, tell that to my cock" and proceeds to whip out his third degree burned weiner.

Later that night Dale and my roomates mom got kicked out of a bar when she fell off a bar stool while flashing her tits. Then they came back to our place and got into a screaming match over the last beer.

[Joker]

A few years ago I lived with two other guys one of whom was a guy I kind of knew from high school, and he seemed normal enough. One weekend he tells us that his mom and her boyfriend will be visiting us and staying the weekend. No problem. They show up Friday evening, wasted. They both had Tim Horton's Road Mugs full of rye. The boyfriend, Dale, is wearing tight black jeans, a white t-shirt, a leather vest and a pair of those 3/4 boots with the heel and a zipper up the side. Dale sits down and starts talking to my other roomate and I. He's telling us how he's into art and offers to draw a portrait of me in his unique medium. He gets some paper and sticks his fingers into the ash tray and draws my face in cigarette ashes. Then he somehow he ended up telling us this story:

"I was at a bar awhile back and I look up and I see this woman I used to go with, and her daughter. She's all grown up now. So the mother goes to the bathroom and I walk over to the girl and I tap her on the shoulder and I go 'Hey, I used to wipe your ass. HA! She don't know what to make of me.' The mom comes back and we get to talking and next thing I know we're back at her place. We start getting it on and she's giving me a blowjob so I reach over for the bottle of rye on the nightstand and pour some on my crotch to make it interesting for her. So she's going and I light a smoke and drop the fucking match right on my crotch. Whole fucking thing ignites. Her hair is singed and I'm beating at my crotch with a pillow. I got third degree burns on my pecker and her eye brows are burnt."

So, like most people I'm sure, Pete and I immediately call bullshit. Dale stands up and goes "Oh yeah, tell that to my cock" and proceeds to whip out his third degree burned weiner.

Later that night Dale and my roomates mom got kicked out of a bar when she fell off a bar stool while flashing her tits. Then they came back to our place and got into a screaming match over the last beer.



I think fire cock wins

[smartbunny]

That is the most white trash story ever.

[Harry Bongers]

That is the most white trash story ever.

It's definitely up there. This is one is close though. I

In highschool we knew this guy named Casey who lived with his mom, Rose. Everyone in town knew Rose because she could often be found stumbling down the street, or sitting outside the beer store waiting for it to open. Rose surprisingly had no problem with Caset bringing people over for parties.

So a bunch of us would go there to drink before school dances or bush parties or whatever. One night there's about 15 or so of us there sitting around drinking. Rose comes downstairs with her girlfriend (oh yeah, she was a bull dyke BTW.) Her girlfriend's nickname is Guh, short for Marg. They met in jail and Guh just recently got out. So Rose and Guh start slow dancing to the oldies station and stumbling around in front of a bunch of horrified 16 year olds. Then Rose decides she wants a beer so she asks my friend Michelle for one, but Michelle doesn't have any. Rose goes bananas.

She starts throwing chairs into the wall, smashing lamps and screaming. So we all scatter and run upstairs when we hear someone yell "She's got a gun!"

We run outside and are hiding behind bushes and parked cars when Rose comes out on the front lawn with a broom and starts beating Casey with it.

I left at this point and went to a bush party. Rose ended up going back to jail because she stabbed Casey in the head because she thought he took five dollars from her purse. The last time I saw him he was on a float in the Gay Pride Parade.

[Siggers]

Walking into my grandmothers room not knocking and seeing her vagina....I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[disl]

this thread is supposed to be the craziest shit you've seen, not the creepiest. let's try to stay on topic, everyone.

[darrylduffy]

i really had to rack my brain for the craziest thing i ever saw, but after a few days i think i pinpointed it.

one time i was watching an episode of 'boy meets world,' and by the time it ended i realized that they hadn't shown a commercial break the entire time. it was nuts.

[uber-h]

This may not be my number one craziest thing, but it's a pretty good one that I can think of offhand.

I work a a library, and one of the regulars is a guy we call Squeaky. He has an abnormally high-pitched voice that makes him sound like Mickey Mouse. He is always wearing a jumpsuit, and a pair of cataract sunglasses on top of his head. He basically looks like someone that the police would be interested to know what is in his basement. One time he walks over to a patron looking at magazines, and as he is wont to do, starts talking to him like he knows him even though I'm sure he didn't.

"I got rear-ended. Some teenager hit my car. I wish I had cirrhosis instead. Or liver cancer. I definitely wish I had broken my leg instead."

Of course the guy he was talking to was totally bewildered. I knew Squeaky wasn't playing with a full deck, but this took him to a whole new level of craziness.

[littlegirltree]

The one time I was in LA I saw a guy charge up the sidewalk to a sapling maple tree and rapidly punch it like it was a speed bag.

[James Morris]

I was once in this shitty metal band. It was 1989 and I was taking vocal lessons from the local "Heavy Metal Vocal Coach"! He was one of those guys with a super high range, and he was a pretty decent teacher. His big thing was breath control, and watching how you stand when you go for the "high notes". The reason for this, he explained, is because when you are pushing that hard from your diaphragm it is very easy to, involuntarily, relax muscles elsewhere on your Body. In other words: Be careful or you WILL shit your pants!
One weekend my teacher took me to see one of his students in this douchebag Glam Band.
Apparently, this guy had a five octave range and was my teacher's prized pupil. The band was playing in this shitty Chinese restaraunt and they came out on stage in full spandex. They even had a fog machine and lights!! The band started into their song when trouble started. My teacher leaned over to me and said "This is the song where he hits this wicked high note. Watch this!" .
Only moments later does he lean over to me: "Uh oh. Something's not right. He's not standing straight enough." then he pokes my shoulder and says "this could be really bad." .
It was just then that the band hit this crescendo and "Dynamic Male Vocalist" goes for this shrieking high note. For a moment things looked alright: the band was tight, the note was high.
Then the singer did something weird: he rocked back on his haunches and started to walk off the stage like a sand-crab. He looked VERY uncomfortable! The band just kinda...wound down, and stopped playing.
Then the drummer threw up. All of the sudden the club was filled with the smell of a dirty
baby diaper.
My teacher told me to hang out while he went backstage to check on things and came out
minutes later laughing his ass off. Apparently, the guy filled his spandex pants to the point
where it was just coming out everywhere and all over the stage. He didn't bring a change of clothes either.

Oh my fucking god that's the funniest thing, if only because your teacher actually had the foresight to predict it. Maybe it's a similar situation to when Fergie pissed her pants.

[Meen Bellpeppers]

Oh my fucking god that's the funniest thing, if only because your teacher actually had the foresight to predict it. Maybe it's a similar situation to when Fergie pissed her pants.

I like that this made me imagine Fergie having some sort of mentor, or even sensei who had tried to train her not to piss her pants.

[Itslikeimsayin]

When I was about 13, my mom and I were visiting San Francisco and were walking through Union Square. We'd been walking all over the city and wanted to sit down for a few minutes. Every bench in the park seemed occupied until we spotted one empty one. We sat down and before long, realized why no one was sitting on this particular bench. We heard someone moaning and turned around to see a black homeless guy laying on the grass with his pants down, playing with his dick.

Another thing that comes to mind happened when I was playing golf at Skylinks in Long Beach about 15 years ago. I was standing on the tee waiting for the group in front of us to hit and clear the fairway. One guy was about to hit and another guy in the group was sitting in their cart. Suddenly the guy in the cart slouched over and pandemonium ensued. The other guys in the group pulled him out of the cart and started trying to revive him. I ran and told a cop who I saw parked along a street about what was happening, and within minutes an ambulance arrived and took the guy away. Last thing we heard was that he never responded and had died right there in the fairway.

Almost 20 years ago I was at a Taco Bell that was filled with tons of high school age kids. A few of them started jawing at each other and eventually a big fight broke out inside the Taco Bell. It was pretty insane. The cops then arrived and calmed everyone down, that is, until one of the cops grabbed one of the kids and attempted to pin him up against a large window in the front of the Taco Bell. Problem was, he manhandled the kid a little too strongly and ended up throwing the kid right through the window. When the glass broke, everyone went nuts and it was about as close to a riot situation you'll ever see in suburban Orange County, CA.

[Scammy Davis Boogah Jr.]

When I was about 13, my mom and I were visiting San Francisco and were walking through Union Square. We sat down and before long, realized why no one was sitting on this particular bench. We heard someone moaning and turned around to see a black homeless guy laying on the grass with his pants down, playing with his dick.

Meen is not black.:p:p:p

[man124]

I like that this made me imagine Fergie having some sort of mentor, or even sensei who had tried to train her not to piss her pants.

I now have this image of Mr. Miyagi training her how piss on que. "Piss on, piss off."

[suavepebble]

I now have this image of Mr. Miyagi training her how piss on que. "Piss on, piss off."

This disrespectful Mr. Miyagi meandering is bullshit to me and I hope you both realize that Mr. Miyagi would never be involved in piss-related training of any sort unless it had to do with balance.

[Berliner]

Meen is not black.:p:p:p

Well, this happened when ILIS was 13, so it had to have been Meen's father

[ArtsyMcShitshimself]

Well, this happened when ILIS was 13, so it had to have been Meen's father

... who would often self-describe as "black where it counts."

[tockxie]

As she brushes off the kid in the stroller sticks his chubby arms in the air and simply goes "Hooooo-ray!"

Haha, that is the perfect thing to say in that situation.

[uncomfortable]

I was biking over to the nearest movie theater while rather stoned one day and while on the sidewalk at a four-way stop, I turn my head to the right and notice that, standing next to me is a man in a bear costume advertising the opening of an H&R Block in the same pavillion where the theater was. Clearly all the money they had was blown on the bear costume, because he wasn't holding up one of those fancy professional arrow-signs, he had just a piece of construction paper with "H&R Block ---->" scrawled on it in permanent marker.

There's barely enough time to process that image in my brain when I hear this avalanche of car horns and notice that one car turning left at the intersection did not bother using their turn signal and gets into a car crash - and from behind me I hear the guy in the bear suit not only screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," but he's intentionally doing it in a low, gutteral bear growly voice. Bear guy then drops the sign and puts his paws to his big fake bear head in clear display of suspense and shock while running to see if the guy in the car is okay.

I then went and got tacos for lunch.

[Keith Whitener]

That must have been extra crazy since you were high!

[cakes]

Actually, Keith who is not Ben, some of the craziest things I've seen have happened with you around.

But I remember once when I was little, my mother took me to work for that day where people take daughters to work and it counts as legitimate excuse to not attend class. The woman sharing the office with my mom would blow up balloons and then throw them at her head because through some magical process of static electricity and poofy hair, the balloons would pass my mother's head and then stick to the wall behind her. This would elicit continual laughter from the woman.

Anyway, that was like creepy foreshadowing because a few hours later, a man was hit in the parking lot by a balloon truck. Supposedly, one of the balloons got in front of the driver just before this man made the unfortunate walk across the road. He was okay in the end, but rendered unconscious for awhile as I watched from a window, as any morbid fifth grader would.

[TimBuktu]

I saw a guy at a free outdoor concert this weekend head-butting everyone within headbutt-shot.

Later, he chucked a guys bike into some bushes.

Even later, he was escorted out by security. He spit continuously.

[KevinLee]

Almost 20 years ago I was at a Taco Bell that was filled with tons of high school age kids. A few of them started jawing at each other and eventually a big fight broke out inside the Taco Bell. It was pretty insane. The cops then arrived and calmed everyone down, that is, until one of the cops grabbed one of the kids and attempted to pin him up against a large window in the front of the Taco Bell. Problem was, he manhandled the kid a little too strongly and ended up throwing the kid right through the window. When the glass broke, everyone went nuts and it was about as close to a riot situation you'll ever see in suburban Orange County, CA.


That last part sounded pretty gnarly, bro. Like some modern day Outsiders shit. Well, stay a pony golden boy.

[suavepebble]

When I was twenty my roommates and I had a bit of a weekend drinking problem while attending what would become the first of several colleges for all of us. This is not only the craziest thing I have ever seen, it is also probably the most incredible thing I have ever remotely been a part of.

It went down like this: My buddy and I heard about this slutty party blah blah we went. It was a nightmare immediately for reasons that aren't important because I can't remember them, but I do remember there was one keg and we were no joke when it came to drinking back then. Okay, longstoryshort, we pretended we were the official keg pumpers so we could chug as many as we wanted due to the line that snaked all the way outside of the goddamned whatever it was we were in. We drank probably nineteen beers each as fast as we could and then decided that we messed up big time doing that and then we decided to walk home.

We get lost. Then puking began and we brilliantly decided that if we split up, we would find our way home faster. Okay, so I find the apartment and fall onto the couch and ask our third roommate if the other dude made it back yet. Nope.

Three hours later the door flies open. This guy makes no eye contact and doesn't try to shut the door behind him. Falls on the couch.

Here it is... this is what I've been building up, I'm sorry you had to read all of that, but this is going to be worth it, I promise.

There is blood all over his shirt and all over his face. We assume he got his ass kicked, but he looks fine, save for this strange look of desperation in his eye.

He looks straight ahead at the tv.

"Dude... what the fuck happened?"

"what?"

"What the fuck happened, man... you have blood all over you."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh zehhhhhhhh fuck it MANNNN"

I had seen this guy on beer number 28 not three weeks prior and he was nowhere near this bad. This was a whole new league of drunk.


"No, what the fuck happened to you?"

"Ah god, fshjhhhhh" and then he spat at us like someone on Cops would, which was not a part of his repertoire at all, not even drunk.


"I got lost!"

"You got in a fight?"

"I...." his eyes welled up with fear.

"I ate an animal"



True story. In the moment, absolutely drunk, I believed this. Because I truly believed that he ate a small rodent to stay alive while he was wandering around, I laughed beyond crying and into that realm where you very seriously wonder if you are going to die if you don't do something to stop convulsing.



Later on, of course, it came out that he drunkenly did something else that was just as heinous and mindblowingly fucked up and the animal thing was the only cover he could think of in that state of mind.


Don't ask.

[Harry Bongers]

These aren't necessarily the craziest but seeing these events transpire within seconds of each other was a little nuts. I was walking down the street when I hear someone yell "fucking stop!!!" I look over and a car is driving past and a man is being beaten by a woman as he's driving. They stopped at the light and she was raining haymakers on him and screaming. Then in the other direction a guy is on his bike going full-tilt, like courier speed, with no hands. Why was he riding with no hands? Well, he needed them to eat a giant bunch of grapes. He was dangling the bunch above his head and plucking them off like the king of Rome or something.

Then I was walking through an outdoor market and two little girs were waiting beside some racks of dresses. I was browsing and hear this conversation:

Girl 1: Let's play store.

Girl 2: Okay.

Girl 1: I'll be the store person and you be the customer.

Girl 2 pretends to walk into the store.

Girl 2: Hello there.

Girl 1: I'm sorry Miss, we're closed.

[Fentmore]

That Girl 1/2 exchange was hilarious.

[Meen Bellpeppers]

Then I was walking through an outdoor market and two little girs were waiting beside some racks of dresses. I was browsing and hear this conversation:

Girl 1: Let's play store.

Girl 2: Okay.

Girl 1: I'll be the store person and you be the customer.

Girl 2 pretends to walk into the store.

Girl 2: Hello there.

Girl 1: I'm sorry Miss, we're closed.

This isn't related to the thread topic at all, but this story just reminded me of it. It is one of my favorite jokes ever that my 5 year old cousin told at a party.

One time these girls who were making necklaces at a party and this other girl came up to them and said "where did you get those necklaces?" and the other girl says "we didn't buy them we made them."

[Harry Bongers]

This isn't related to the thread topic at all, but this story just reminded me of it. It is one of my favorite jokes ever that my 5 year old cousin told at a party.

One time these girls who were making necklaces at a party and this other girl came up to them and said "where did you get those necklaces?" and the other girl says "we didn't buy them we made them."

I don't get it.

[Famous Police Dog]

It's a play on words.

[Meen Bellpeppers]

I don't get it.

There is nothing to get. It doesn't make sense because it was made up by a 5 year old. Although I suppose she did at least recognize the importance of a "twist". I hate you.

[Harry Bongers]

There is nothing to get. It doesn't make sense because it was made up by a 5 year old. Although I suppose she did at least recognize the importance of a "twist". I hate you.

Tell your 5 year old cousin to keep her day job. (Unless her day job is joke writer then she should quit)

[Meen Bellpeppers]

Tell your 5 year old cousin to keep her day job. (Unless her day job is joke writer then she should quit)

You motherfucker.

[crlygrl]

This is the first time I clicked on this thread.

I gotta say, I LIKES IT!!!!!!!

(motherfucker)

[TimBuktu]

Meen's cousin sounds like an idiot. Learn how to tell a joke, child.

[ArtsyMcShitshimself]

Tell your 5 year old cousin to keep her day job. (Unless her day job is joke writer then she should quit)

Meen's cousin perfectly captures the essence of the minimum wage-earning asshole who gets a little authority and abuses it.

Bitch.

:(

[Berliner]

I see the bad joke telling apple doesn't fall far from the bad joke telling tree. The bad joke telling tree is you.

[crlygrl]

I have an audio tape of me playing store with my father. I think I'm three. I told him he had to be "the lady with all the foods and the money and I will be the man who takes the money"

He obliged. My daddy is a nice man to be the lady with the foods.

Also, I recently saw this, and it is one of the craziest things I've ever seen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU3YFZlXaag

[Scammy Davis Boogah Jr.]

Don't derail this thread.

This is supposed to be about how much we hate Meen's unfunny cousin, Hacky P. Bellpeppers.

(The 'P' is for 'Poor joke structure')

[Rob Delaney]

My first job out of college was playing Sir Lancelot in the nat'l tour of "Camelot". We played EVERYWHERE in the U.S.; huge cities, sleepy hamlets and everything in between. Since "Camelot" is a musical, there were a bunch of gay men on the tour. One time we were driving through a very small town in West Virginia. The streets were so narrow that our buses could barely fit down them and had to drive slowly. We stopped at a stop light opposite a two-story house with a porch on the second floor. Very quickly, a man stepped out onto the porch and glared at the bus. He then took a T-shirt and stretched it over a chair on the porch. The T-shirt was black and said "FAGGOT" in big white letters. It wasn't painted on by hand or anything, it was a professionally made silk-screened shirt.
Meaning he went to the store and said "Can you put Faggot on it?" While continuing to glare at the bus, he then <i>produced a machete</i> and began to hack violently at his unfortunate homemade gay effigy. Everyone in the bus was horrified. It was obviously a show done for us, and with the high number of gay men on the bus, it was very unsettling. Was it just a weird coincidence? Or had a hillbilly sherriff radioed ahead to let him know that a bus full of Sodomites was about to roll through and could use a formal welcome?
Also, we weren't allowed to poop in our bus's toilet. AND, our orchestra's conducter was a leather queen and he had a horn on his head. A small horn, like a goat or unicorn. Did you know that people are sometimes born with horns? Usually they get them removed, but this guy did not.

[Gene George]

My first job out of college... <snip> ...but this guy did not.

That was like a speedball of crazy shit. Holy crap.

[the kid]

When I was nine my family took a trip to Belize. Being that there was no TV at the resort, I began to take long walks along the beach to amuse myself early in the morning. One morning I was enjoying my walk when all of a sudden something hit my foot with quite a bit of force. I looked down to see what it was and to my surprise there was a dead fish laying by my feet. I immediately start flipping a shit until another fish falls to ground in front of me. I screamed and ran back along the beach. No one in my family could offer any possible explanation (probably assumed I was making things up). My only possible idea is that a pelican-like bird dropped two fish from its beak-pouch.

[rdemint]

I'm late reading this thread, but I didn't see this answered: what is a bush party?

[Horking My Lunch]

Fairly recently, I was driving on the freeway, when I noticed a van without it's front left tire (literally no tire at all) COMING UP BEHIND ME AT FULL FUCKING SPEED. Ungodly amounts of sparks were flying every which way.

Not too crazy, but just crazy enough. I'm sure I've seen some more crazy goings-on, but this is the most recent "what in the fuck" moment that really sticks out.

[Scratch Lightning]

The lady behind be at the post office this morning was clipping her nails, which went flying in all directions. Not crazy, but pretty gross.

Also, this thread reminds me of 2 funny "kids say the darnedest things". Both take place in a public restroom, strangely enough.

The first is when I was taking a dump at the Central Park Zoo, and a parent brought their little kid into the stall next to mine to do the same, and when the kid finished he yelled out, "I MADE IT!" I do that now too.

The other was when my girlfriend was washing her hands in a restaurant bathroom, and two little girls came racing in to pee, and right afterward one of them said "it fees SO good when the pee-pee comes out. It makes you feel fresh, like you could run around the world". That line also gets used from time to time.


Oh, and one time I got on the subway and two trannies were prancing up and down the car in full drag doing pole dances.

[Scammy Davis Boogah Jr.]

One time I was walking through a park in The Bronx and an obviously mentally handicapped kid was running around shouting. Her mother then screamed, "Destiny, stop acting like an idiot!!".

Naming your retarded kid 'Destiny' could go in the Dick Move thread as well.

[yumitree]

The lady behind be at the post office this morning was clipping her nails, which went flying in all directions. Not crazy, but pretty gross.

dick move.

[Harry Bongers]

I'm late reading this thread, but I didn't see this answered: what is a bush party?

In my experience a bush party is a small town phenomenon where people gather at a predetermined place in the woods, generally around some sort of fire, and drink beer until either the cops come or Trevor Reinbolt freaks out on acid and starts punching people.

[Harry Bongers]

Is there crazy shit going on on this site? Can anyone else see all these weird threads and shit?

[Itslikeimsayin]

Is there crazy shit going on on this site? Can anyone else see all these weird threads and shit?

Yes.

[Harry Bongers]

Yes.

good.

[Alex King]

The other day I was standing outside with a co-worker on a break when a guy comes walking down the sidewalk talking to his hand as if it were a phone. I'm talkin' thumb-and-pinky. He stops, looks behind him and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm on the phone." and proceeded to talk to his hand.

[DonTGD]

In 1988 or so an absolutely crazy, psychotic rock and roller told me a rambling story about how he was in charge of hazing "the son of the vice president" when he was in a Fraternity at Yale and how funny that was to him. You know how a mentally disturbed person starts laughing to themselves- this guy was doing that.

In 2008, yes, 20 years later I remember the incident, realized he was talking about George W Bush, research this online and find out they were both in the same fraternity at Yale, only the rocker was 2 years older than GWB. So it all checks out.

[wrinkle_in_my_pants]

I lived in Miami for five years:


I once was riding the city bus and as I was looking out the window, drifting into space, I saw a homeless man with his pants to his knees, on the street corner, in broad day light, fucking the shit out of a HOT DOG BUN. I hate to admit it, to myself mainly, but I'm pretty sure what I witnessed, was him actually cumming.


Also, in Miami, as I was walking to school, I lived downtown, near Overtown, (not a very nice neighborhood), I saw another homeless man sitting on the sidewalk. As I was closely approaching, he saw me, jumped up quickly and ran around the corner. I of course, grab my mace, and walked briskly passed the corner of the building he had just turned. As soon as I passed the corner, we both were staring at each other in the eyes, we were about 10 feet away from each other, he had his pants down, ass facing me, and he took the nastiest, spray of a shit I've ever seen in my life. It fucking sprayed out of his ass and I heard it splatter all over the concrete. It was almost as if, when he saw me, he had the intention of letting me see him "shit spray". (God, I hadn't thought about this in years, thanks thread starter.)


Another time, not as graphic as the last two. I was walking to school one day, again, in Miami and an African-American homeless woman, whom I'd had several conversations with in the past, had somehow gotten a hold of a wedding dress and a blond, ratty wig and was walking down the middle of the street aimlessly. It was quite a site.


Good times were had in Miami. The homeless situation has gotten incredibly worse though, and this was five years ago, or so. I will think of more, but these few have been lasered into my brain....

[Scratch Lightning]

One time I was on a field trip in 4th grade, and for some reason the school used a public bus to get wherever we were going. Some tweaked-out lunatic in a leather jacket gets on halfway through the ride, and he's got a rubber toy skeleton. So he starts talking to no one in particular about how he's going to paint the skeleton with glow-in-the-dark paint and sell it to some guy he knows.

Then he pulls out a roach, lights it, and takes a couple of puffs. Then he hangs the skeleton from the hand-rail over my head and puts the roach in its mouth, and sits back down. Someone else got on the bus at that point and asked if the seat next to him was taken. The guy freaks out and yells that his dead mother is sitting there, and that he killed her.

Then he pulls out a small knife and sinks it into the headrest behind one of my terrified classmates.

What I remember most vividly is looking at my teacher and the aides, and they were all just laughing uncomfortably. Even at 12 years old, I realized that was a pretty fucked-up situation for a bus full of 4th graders to be in.

[the kid]

Even at 12 years old, I realized that was a pretty fucked-up situation for a bus full of 4th graders to be in.

You were 12 in 4th grade?

[suavepebble]

Back in highschool, a bunch of terrible kids decided that it would be funny to rip their pubes out on the sly and then gently place them on the heads of the smartest and/or most uptight girls in the school. At its height, the soon-to-be-valedvictorian "Gretchen" (think Angela from the office) had hundreds of wispy weirdthings wafting off of her pristine head while terrible, jealous people gave each other secret fives.

I, of course, watched this unfold over several weeks and told no one. Great life, great. No wait, I am recanting this disgusting story in a gleeful way at the age of 30. Things are really starting to look up for me.

[TacoSmith]

Back in highschool, a bunch of terrible kids decided that it would be funny to rip their pubes out on the sly and then gently place them on the heads of the smartest and/or most uptight girls in the school. At its height, the soon-to-be-valedvictorian "Gretchen" (think Angela from the office) had hundreds of wispy weirdthings wafting off of her pristine head while terrible, jealous people gave each other secret fives.

I, of course, watched this unfold over several weeks and told no one. Great life, great. No wait, I am recanting this disgusting story in a gleeful way at the age of 30. Things are really starting to look up for me.

Who are the real losers of this story? The girls that had pubes on top of their heads and never knew or the guys that RIPPED THEIR PUBES OUT. I guess it was just an ass pennies type of situation where they felt superior since they knew she had their pubes on her head.

[MrDys]

Pubes come out pretty easily, dude. Try it sometime.

[Shane]

I saw some guys blatantly stealing women's clothes from Macy's yesterday

[Alex King]

I saw a lady at the grocery store the other day wearing a Gallagher tour shirt...and it was from a recent tour. 2005, maybe?

[smartbunny]

Standing outside the Trocadero for the cKy show some years ago with 90% of the Jackass crew in attendance, I saw a lady walking down the street with THE BIGGEST SAGGIEST BOOBS you have ever seen. She was very short, and her boobs were down to her stomach, no joke, and just MASSIVE. My friends and I thought it was one of the Jackass guys in a lady suit. No way it could be real. It was.

[DiscoInferiorityComplex]

In 4th grade, our teacher was telling us all about the evils of drugs. He'd go over each drug and explain why it was so bad, and why we should all stay clear of it. When he got to heroin, he said that his beloved elderly next door neighbor was terminally ill, that she was taking heroin as a last resort, and that it really seemed to be helping her to an incredible degree. "So, you'll never hear me say a bad word about that stuff."

[dorothy mantooth]

Naming your retarded kid 'Destiny' could go in the Dick Move thread as well.

An excellent point.


And, if by "Craziest" you mean "Awesomest"...

When I lived in NY, my friend and I saw a dude in a pink Power Ranger's costume doing the robot to "Killing Me Softly."